Actual conversation with 9th grade girl:

[judecorp]

(Like I couldn't see this one coming.)

Girl: So, do you have a boyfriend?
Me: No.
Girl: Oh. *pause* You never talk about anyone.
Me: I have an ex-husband, though. Will that work?
Girl: Oh. *pause* Umm...
Girl: So me and [classmate] were wondering...
Me: Yeah?
Girl: Um... so we were umm... umm... so umm... see, the kids in the class talk about you and umm... we were umm... they say umm...
Me: [Name], the answer you're looking for is 'yes.'
Girl: No! Umm... it's just umm... don't get mad but umm... they think you're a lesbian.
Me: Unh hunh.
Girl: So [classmate] and I was wondering...
Girl 2: No, I wasn't!
Girl: Yes you were! So, umm... are you?
Me: Yeah.
Girl: You're a lesbian?
Me: Yeah.
Girl: *elbows classmate* She said she's a lesbian!

Now I go change wiper blades on Gargamel. You'd be so proud, Jen - I've only been saying I would do it for two months now.