I really need to kiss someone. SOON.
Aug. 5th, 2002 12:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpI have another job interview now. A woman from Faith Mission called this morning saying that my resume had gotten stuck to the back of someone else's and she just saw it. I'm not all that sure about the job - I'll really need to hear more about it because it's case management with the homeless and I'm not so sure how I feel about how well I can serve that population, but she did say she could come up with the salary I wanted. (It's sad that I'm doing cartwheels about $30,000/year.)
I was awakened early this morning by the phone call from Faith Mission, and decided to stay awake and watch one of my Netflix movies that I'd been hanging onto for a while, Black and White.
It got me thinking, not about race, but about manipulation. I started to wonder about the things I do, the things that other people do. Everything that everyone does has some sort of motivation behind it. I mean, we wouldn't do something if we weren't motivated in some way to do it. Sometimes the motivation is good, sometimes not so good. Everything that we are motivated to do, though, has consequences.
It's interesting to me that everything that I do is linked to other people in both directions. My decisions are influenced by things other people have done/said to me, and in turn, my decisions influence what other people will do/say. It makes me feel oddly powerful in a way that I don't know that I like. I tend to worry that things I do will influence people in ways I didn't intend, and I get overly paranoid about it. Mel tells me that I analyze things too much. She's certainly not the first person to tell me that.
For example, last week a friend of mine came to me really upset about something. In the time spent processing the event, my opinions became apparent. As my friend continued processing what was upsetting her, it seemed like some of her opinions were running parallel with mine, and I got to wondering, "Did something that I say influence her? Did I change the way she felt about her situation?" Maybe I'm paranoid, I just don't want to really influence anyone's feelings.
And it happens in the other direction, too. In my everyday existance, I'm really happy being alone, being single, being unattached. I'm enjoying my freedom, but more than that, I can completely rationally see that this is best for me, that I need this, that this is the right thing to do. But all I need is to get a phone call from Jennifer and I so easily slip into the old dynamic of being her girlfriend, it's frightening. But what's /more/ frightening is how comfortable it is and how easy it is to do it. Within five minutes of the phone call, I start thinking about things all over again: How could we make this work? Am I /sure/ we made the right choices? etc. It's almost as if just the sound of her voice, the proximity of our thought processes to each other's, can tip my rationality upside down. But then we hang up the phone, and I go right back to realizing that we did, indeed, make the right choices even though they're difficult.
The point was manipulation. Aren't these little influences subtle manipulations? Are all manipulations bad? I mean, the root definition of manipulation, really, is to influence, to work with the hands. I used to talk about manipulating energy to make magick, to manipulate energy to create change. Isn't that what we're all doing in our interactions, in our relationships - manipulating energy between people?
I think I need a new word for manipulation with malicious intent so I don't get all hung up on manipulating people. Of /course/ I manipulate people. I'm a therapist, for crying out loud - it's my job to help people change, to help people help themselves. I am a professional manipulator, in a positive way. As opposed to, say, fucking with people.
Yes. I am a manipulator. Not a people-fucker-wither. Yeah.
I was awakened early this morning by the phone call from Faith Mission, and decided to stay awake and watch one of my Netflix movies that I'd been hanging onto for a while, Black and White.
It got me thinking, not about race, but about manipulation. I started to wonder about the things I do, the things that other people do. Everything that everyone does has some sort of motivation behind it. I mean, we wouldn't do something if we weren't motivated in some way to do it. Sometimes the motivation is good, sometimes not so good. Everything that we are motivated to do, though, has consequences.
It's interesting to me that everything that I do is linked to other people in both directions. My decisions are influenced by things other people have done/said to me, and in turn, my decisions influence what other people will do/say. It makes me feel oddly powerful in a way that I don't know that I like. I tend to worry that things I do will influence people in ways I didn't intend, and I get overly paranoid about it. Mel tells me that I analyze things too much. She's certainly not the first person to tell me that.
For example, last week a friend of mine came to me really upset about something. In the time spent processing the event, my opinions became apparent. As my friend continued processing what was upsetting her, it seemed like some of her opinions were running parallel with mine, and I got to wondering, "Did something that I say influence her? Did I change the way she felt about her situation?" Maybe I'm paranoid, I just don't want to really influence anyone's feelings.
And it happens in the other direction, too. In my everyday existance, I'm really happy being alone, being single, being unattached. I'm enjoying my freedom, but more than that, I can completely rationally see that this is best for me, that I need this, that this is the right thing to do. But all I need is to get a phone call from Jennifer and I so easily slip into the old dynamic of being her girlfriend, it's frightening. But what's /more/ frightening is how comfortable it is and how easy it is to do it. Within five minutes of the phone call, I start thinking about things all over again: How could we make this work? Am I /sure/ we made the right choices? etc. It's almost as if just the sound of her voice, the proximity of our thought processes to each other's, can tip my rationality upside down. But then we hang up the phone, and I go right back to realizing that we did, indeed, make the right choices even though they're difficult.
The point was manipulation. Aren't these little influences subtle manipulations? Are all manipulations bad? I mean, the root definition of manipulation, really, is to influence, to work with the hands. I used to talk about manipulating energy to make magick, to manipulate energy to create change. Isn't that what we're all doing in our interactions, in our relationships - manipulating energy between people?
I think I need a new word for manipulation with malicious intent so I don't get all hung up on manipulating people. Of /course/ I manipulate people. I'm a therapist, for crying out loud - it's my job to help people change, to help people help themselves. I am a professional manipulator, in a positive way. As opposed to, say, fucking with people.
Yes. I am a manipulator. Not a people-fucker-wither. Yeah.
