I refuse to believe God created me to be tortured.

[judecorp]

When I was a kid, my father was a master at emotional abuse. He was so skilled at it, it seemed as though he was trained as to the most effective methods. In actuality, it was likely a coincidence, and he was a frustrated parent who just let his emotions run away with him.

My father got us to feel so terribly about ourselves by making us berate ourselves. When he, like every other parent in history, would ask, "Why did you do that?" (or the alternate, "Why /didn't/ you do that?"), "I don't know" or "I forgot" were not acceptible, but there were a number of acceptible answers:

because I'm stupid
because I'm lazy
because I can't do anything right
because I'm no good
because I'm bad

For years and years and years, all of the formative years of my psyche and my identity, these little digs at myself rolled off my tongue freely. Not saying them was a one-way ticket to getting whacked, and so it became a whole lot easier to just say the words. I didn't know how quickly and powerfully I would come to believe them, or how easily it would be to slip into the script when I was frustrated about something in my own life.

It's been several years since I've even had a glimmer of one of these thoughts when I've screwed up, gotten someone upset, or become frustrated with myself. I'm very proud of those several years, and there are no words for how whole I feel without them. There is one residual effect, though - I have zero tolerance for people that I'm close to berating themselves. I can't /stand/ it.

If I ever came to A. with a concern about our relationship, he would begin berating himself, and I would go ballistic. He would say he was selfish or bad or stupid, and I would be adamant about the fact that I hadn't said that, that I didn't think that, that it wasn't true. If it continued, I would have to leave the situation. The problem is that even though I know that I didn't say those things, I wonder if the person is saying them because they think that's what I want or need to hear. That would make me the abuser. And anyone who knows me know that my Number Two Fear (after Failure, of course) is Being An Abuser.

I just can't do it. I can't listen to people berate themselves, especially when I'm somehow involved in the situation. It... freaks me out, for lack of a better term.

Okay, story time's over. Night.

Comments

sew my broken heart back together again

[cappucinogrrl.livejournal.com]

Hey Jude.

I played "Survivor" for Jen. She loved it. And, she had heard of Fifteen! Eep! My favorite part is "I found a punk rock kid who had a needle and some leather string...I sewed my broken heart up back together again."

-Em

(I hope our conversation didn't..freak you out.)

Re: sew my broken heart back together again

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Naw, dude, you're clear. I was just thinking about some stuff.

That's really awesome that you shared the song with Jen. I like how these things spread, things that cling to our souls like music and books. Ryan gave to me, I gave to you, you gave to Jen, yay.

I really like the way he exclaims at the end, I've got a family now!

I made a wish and I said it again and again.

[cappucinogrrl.livejournal.com]

Oiu. After you posted this, I listened to it on repeat, about fifty times. My brother, in the next room, got sooo irritated. Ah, well.

I also like the part where he says "I refuse to believe God created me to be..." And all that follows. And the part where he covers "Voices Carry". And the part "America is the place where the kids have twisted minds bent on self-destruction. America is the place is where the kids have their wills broken into and broken in two. America is the place where the kids got broken hearts."

I guess I just like all the parts.

Re: I made a wish and I said it again and again.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I guess I just like all the parts.

While I was nodding along to your post, I was thinking the same exact thing.

I sent this MP3 to my brother and he didn't like "Survivor" so much. I think it's my favorite of the bunch, though. I also like "Punk Song." Do you have that one?

The only thing that matters if you're in a band: can you successfully divert the next generation from mysogyny and male domination?

The only thing that matters if you're in a band: can you successfully divert the next generation from homophobia and heterosexism?

etc. etc.

They broke my heart.

Re: I made a wish and I said it again and again.

[cappucinogrrl.livejournal.com]

I'm downloading it right now.

One of their songs was on this antiviolent or fight for your rights type of mix cd that Jen has. That's how she heard of them. I'll ask her what song and what cd.

I have some of their stuff, but "Survivor" is definitely my favorite.

And the adults say "hush, keep it down now, voices carry!"

I sewed my broken heart back together again.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

We're so cool, you know.

[kat-chan.livejournal.com]

I know that this is probably not the easiest of questions to answer, but I have often wondered whether an emotionally abusive parent is worse, or if an emotionally detached one is. My dad is very much the emotionally detached type, and sometimes I wonder if he would care one way or the other if I just up and died. At least with the emotionally abusive parent, you know that they feel SOMETHING where you are concerned. It may not be positive, but they recognize that you exist, and they feel something related to that. *shrugs* I'm not sure which is the better. :(

[oneedge.livejournal.com]

My father was the emotionally detached type - not abusive but very manipulative and passive-aggressive. I am not sure which would have been better for me, either. From what I have seen, they both seem to come with their own sets of "baggage" that must be dealt with later on in life.

[kat-chan.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my dad was the passive-aggressive sort, too. And then he is also obsessive-compulsive, and if people aren't ready to do things when he's ready to do them, then the aggressive side comes out, and uses alot of verbal abuse about being "lazy" and "stupid". He also seems to have a bit of an inferiority complex; he acts like he needs be the unquestioned paragon of the family.

It was rather emotionally trying for a kid growing up in this family. Throw in being a queer kid on top of that, and it's been awful in alot of ways. :(

On the other hand, I wasn't really physically abused, so I'm not sure that it was as bad as it could have been. *shrugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Questions like "What's worse?" in cases like this, I think, are inappropriate and don't really matter. When it comes to a person (of any age) hurting, there is no quantifying. There is no "more hurt" or "less hurt." (This is my opinion, of course.) Whether there is an emotionally detatched parent or an emotionally (or physically, or sexually) abusive parent, there is hurt involved, and I am certainly not going to say that what one person experienced was "worse" than another, because that implies that someone's hurt is less valid, less appropriate. And that is simply not true. I will never disqualify someone's emotional pain. Besides, when you're a child, I don't know if you even know why you're hurting half of the time.

I know that I felt like my father didn't love me, and I'm sure that someone with an emotionally detatched parent feels similarly. And I know that, for me, there was nothing worse than getting hurt really badly, whether physically or emotionally, and then having that being followed almost immediately with, "I love you."

[kat-chan.livejournal.com]

Oh, I wasn't trying to imply that there was, indeed, a "worse" case. That was why I was saying I wasn't sure which was worse; because in my mind, there can't be a worse. But I've been in fora in the past where, when I try to relate to emotionally abused people with my suffering for withheld emotion (and last night my dad was upset because I was crying when we arguing over my unemployment, and when I told him I couldn't help crying, because I get really emotional, his reply was "learn how to not be then!"), I've often been told that my situation couldn't be as bad, because I wasn't being given all these scarring negative messages. *shrugs*

And trust me, I've been sexually abused by a brother, physically abused by my peers...I know abuse and the scars it brings, too. I know that no source of pain is greater than another. Especially to a 10-year old kid who's very confused by their thoughts and emotions.

I'm sorry if it sounded like I was trying to say one persons experiences are worse than anothers. :(

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I didn't mean that you were trying to quantify pain or anything, I was just saying that for me, especially when trying to empathize with clients, it's more important just to acknowledge that people are hurting without asking them to justify their pain by implying that "it could have been worse."

[kat-chan.livejournal.com]

No, no, I totally agree with you. I think that was what I was trying to express originally, but just did so in a really bad way. :(

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I think you're fine. :)

[kat-chan.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I wish that I felt that way most of the time. :(

[jeffholton.livejournal.com]

You've mentioned this at least once before in your journal, which leads me to the obvious conclusion that it's an important issue to you.

I am glad you're sharing this. People need to hear it. Your subject line and "current music" pretty much sum it up best of all, too. You are a survivor, and other victims need to hear your words so they too can become survivors.

I'm in a slightly different camp. I did not grow up in an abusive home (although I suppose I have to admit that it was nonetheless mildly dysfunctional). Ten years ago I was more of the casual, skeptic observer thinking to myself, "What abuse? Grow up and get over it!"

Now I know better. Your words remind me that some of my friends still suffer from scars and aches caused by very deep hurts. You remind me to be sensitive.

Thank you.

No haiku will suffice.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

(You know, this is twisted, but I had to really resist the urge to say, "Not in my journal." *grin*)

Abuse is an important issue to me on so many levels. It's important to me because it is something that I spent a significant portion of my life dealing with, and while it is something that I don't think about much anymore, I can see its effects in a lot of the things I do or think or say. I can see its effects in how I react to certain things, like loud noises or sudden movements. I can see its effects in my relationships.

But it's also important to me because I spend significant portions of my time working with children, youth, and families who have been touched by (or are being touched by) domestic violence and abuse presently, and so I am confronted with not only how it has affected me, but also how it affects other people in other circumstances.

I really do worry, though (perhaps more than I should), about putting someone else in a situation like I was in. I wonder if that, too, will fade with time, but I don't think so. This is one thing I don't find terribly bad to be hypervigilant about. :)

Even though I can
be serious, a haiku
can pass between friends.

Re:

[jeffholton.livejournal.com]

not in my journal.

Ok, but--since you started it--being seriously facetious (??!?), then,

would ninety situps
be a horrid example
of stomach ab use?

You're still my hero. Go on being hypervigilant. You're working hard to end the cycle with yourself, and that is majorly laudable. You deserve a medal.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Not in my journal.

Your haiku about
sit-ups made me giggle lots.
I'm glad you're my friend.

Medal? Naw. I just want to live a good life.