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judecorp(Saving for posterity.)
This past Sunday, Jennifer and I were walking around Victorian Village and Harrison West looking for "for rent" signs and trying to digest lunch. After a brief stop at Missy Goodtimes's house, we continued walking. As the walk went on, the words to Dar Williams's "I Love, I Love (Traveling II)" came into my head, and I began to think too much and become moody.
I've had bad experiences in relationships, that's true. (Who hasn't?) What I was doing, though, was projecting all of those bad experiences on Jennifer. The frustration culminated on my ranting and raving for probably a solid 15-20 minutes about all of the reasons I didn't want to be someone's girlfriend. This translated into me going on and on and on about bad things a committed relationship would do to me. (I would lose my identity. I wouldn't be able to go out when I wanted. I would feel that I had to do certain things. Etc.) This was all coming to a head because I was wigging out that I hadn't had time to do any chores around the house. I'm neurotic, I know this. When my house is a mess, my life is a mess.
We immediately fell into our old patterns of dealing with tension. She got very upset and decided I was telling her that she was bad for me and that she was ruining my life. This made her rather sad. As she got more upset, I got more frustrated and wanted to run away. What ended up happening was that I sighed, got up, and walked into the kitchen.
When I got there, I realized that I was feeling really crappy, and she was feeling crappy, and that standing in the kitchen wasn't going to change anything. I then surprised myself by realizing that I was sad and hurting, and I wanted to be comforted. By her. I walked back over to her and silently moved her leg over so I could sit in front of her on the couch, and she silently obliged by holding me close to her. I think in that brief moment and small gesture, she realized that I wasn't upset with her, and that she obviously wasn't ruining my life. I could feel the tension moving out of her body, and oddly enough, out of mine as well.
We exchanged a few words, mostly my apologizing for ranting for 20 minutes and making sure she knew that I wasn't accusing her of all of those things that I was frustrated about - I was just upset. I then apologized for walking away, and she said that at first she wasn't happy with my doing that, but then realized that she just needed to give me a little bit of space. She looked down at me with moist eyes and a half-smile and said, "We're learning."
My stomach went out from under me and as my chin lifted to press my lips to hers, I knew that I had fallen in love all over again in five minutes' time. This really is nothing I've ever experienced before, and she's right: it's definitely a learning experience.
This past Sunday, Jennifer and I were walking around Victorian Village and Harrison West looking for "for rent" signs and trying to digest lunch. After a brief stop at Missy Goodtimes's house, we continued walking. As the walk went on, the words to Dar Williams's "I Love, I Love (Traveling II)" came into my head, and I began to think too much and become moody.
I heard love can fall so hard, it can bury a kingdom
I heard it makes the spring appear out of season
It's a storm in a shadowbox, a force to be reckoned with,
When it finds you and find you, it will.
And I'd not believed it til I loved, I love
The rivers sing and stars awaken above me
And the wind and the moon in fits of restless conspiring
Turn night to heaven for you.
But I am going to a far, far land
I know it sure as I've a past and a future
With my maps on the table, you see, I have lost many things
So many I won't turn back.
And were I a deadwood ship, my heart a compass
I would leave with inanimate grace, no love could touch me
But I live and I know that I'll burn as I grow
Though it might break my heart to walk away and so
As a moon may adore you and remain, high moon
The wind may crown your head with leaves, and keep blowing
So I'll stop and I'll watch you, for I love, I love
And then be on my way. And then be on my way.
I've had bad experiences in relationships, that's true. (Who hasn't?) What I was doing, though, was projecting all of those bad experiences on Jennifer. The frustration culminated on my ranting and raving for probably a solid 15-20 minutes about all of the reasons I didn't want to be someone's girlfriend. This translated into me going on and on and on about bad things a committed relationship would do to me. (I would lose my identity. I wouldn't be able to go out when I wanted. I would feel that I had to do certain things. Etc.) This was all coming to a head because I was wigging out that I hadn't had time to do any chores around the house. I'm neurotic, I know this. When my house is a mess, my life is a mess.
We immediately fell into our old patterns of dealing with tension. She got very upset and decided I was telling her that she was bad for me and that she was ruining my life. This made her rather sad. As she got more upset, I got more frustrated and wanted to run away. What ended up happening was that I sighed, got up, and walked into the kitchen.
When I got there, I realized that I was feeling really crappy, and she was feeling crappy, and that standing in the kitchen wasn't going to change anything. I then surprised myself by realizing that I was sad and hurting, and I wanted to be comforted. By her. I walked back over to her and silently moved her leg over so I could sit in front of her on the couch, and she silently obliged by holding me close to her. I think in that brief moment and small gesture, she realized that I wasn't upset with her, and that she obviously wasn't ruining my life. I could feel the tension moving out of her body, and oddly enough, out of mine as well.
We exchanged a few words, mostly my apologizing for ranting for 20 minutes and making sure she knew that I wasn't accusing her of all of those things that I was frustrated about - I was just upset. I then apologized for walking away, and she said that at first she wasn't happy with my doing that, but then realized that she just needed to give me a little bit of space. She looked down at me with moist eyes and a half-smile and said, "We're learning."
My stomach went out from under me and as my chin lifted to press my lips to hers, I knew that I had fallen in love all over again in five minutes' time. This really is nothing I've ever experienced before, and she's right: it's definitely a learning experience.
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no subject
Date: 2002-10-02 08:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-10-03 05:35 am (UTC)hehe. seriously, though...this makes me happy. i like that jennifer, yes i do.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-03 06:37 am (UTC)no subject
*hugs to you both*
no subject
Date: 2002-10-03 08:09 am (UTC)"Maybe love escapes so many of us because we have trained ourselves to fear and avoid what it requires: sacrifice, humility, compromise, pragmatism and, most of all, risk. Maybe part of finding love is learning how to stop being afraid -- of what we're missing or what we're getting into -- or, at least, to live with those fears because they are preferable to the alternative. Maybe the fairy-tale image of love we've inherited from watching too many movies and sitcoms is like the airbrushed, starving fashion model who not only confronts us with our imperfection but suggests to us that the mythic ideal is attainable. But love, I think, comes only when we are ready to yield the selfhood and a large measure of the freedom we've been trained to hold so dearly to another. I don't consider that challenge to be generational -- it's human."
-- Edward Tarkington
I dunno who Tarkington is, but he deserves a cookie.
Beautiful Quote
Date: 2002-10-03 08:33 am (UTC)-Moon
no subject
Date: 2002-10-03 08:57 am (UTC)YAY! Learning!!!
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2002-10-03 12:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-10-03 12:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-10-03 12:32 pm (UTC)Keep trying, mister!
p.s. Have you seen
Re: Beautiful Quote
Date: 2002-10-03 04:06 pm (UTC)no subject
(And my Ryan!)
Thanks, babycakes.
Date: 2002-10-04 06:17 am (UTC)-E
no subject
Date: 2002-10-04 01:22 pm (UTC)I told Ms. Jennifer last weekend that if I were her friend giving her relationship advice, I would tell her to somehow get that girl that she loves to realize that she's much more afraid to lose her than she is of the other stupid stuff.
It's weird giving advice about myself. I like your Kermit the Frog userpic. It's Jaws.
That is all.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-05 07:30 am (UTC)well , second....
having someone to kiss is tops.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-05 12:55 pm (UTC)Yes.