judecorp | Two little girls growing out of their training bras

(Saving for posterity.)

This past Sunday, Jennifer and I were walking around Victorian Village and Harrison West looking for "for rent" signs and trying to digest lunch. After a brief stop at Missy Goodtimes's house, we continued walking. As the walk went on, the words to Dar Williams's "I Love, I Love (Traveling II)" came into my head, and I began to think too much and become moody.

I heard love can fall so hard, it can bury a kingdom
I heard it makes the spring appear out of season
It's a storm in a shadowbox, a force to be reckoned with,
When it finds you and find you, it will.

And I'd not believed it til I loved, I love
The rivers sing and stars awaken above me
And the wind and the moon in fits of restless conspiring
Turn night to heaven for you.

But I am going to a far, far land
I know it sure as I've a past and a future
With my maps on the table, you see, I have lost many things
So many I won't turn back.

And were I a deadwood ship, my heart a compass
I would leave with inanimate grace, no love could touch me
But I live and I know that I'll burn as I grow
Though it might break my heart to walk away and so

As a moon may adore you and remain, high moon
The wind may crown your head with leaves, and keep blowing
So I'll stop and I'll watch you, for I love, I love
And then be on my way. And then be on my way.

I've had bad experiences in relationships, that's true. (Who hasn't?) What I was doing, though, was projecting all of those bad experiences on Jennifer. The frustration culminated on my ranting and raving for probably a solid 15-20 minutes about all of the reasons I didn't want to be someone's girlfriend. This translated into me going on and on and on about bad things a committed relationship would do to me. (I would lose my identity. I wouldn't be able to go out when I wanted. I would feel that I had to do certain things. Etc.) This was all coming to a head because I was wigging out that I hadn't had time to do any chores around the house. I'm neurotic, I know this. When my house is a mess, my life is a mess.

We immediately fell into our old patterns of dealing with tension. She got very upset and decided I was telling her that she was bad for me and that she was ruining my life. This made her rather sad. As she got more upset, I got more frustrated and wanted to run away. What ended up happening was that I sighed, got up, and walked into the kitchen.

When I got there, I realized that I was feeling really crappy, and she was feeling crappy, and that standing in the kitchen wasn't going to change anything. I then surprised myself by realizing that I was sad and hurting, and I wanted to be comforted. By her. I walked back over to her and silently moved her leg over so I could sit in front of her on the couch, and she silently obliged by holding me close to her. I think in that brief moment and small gesture, she realized that I wasn't upset with her, and that she obviously wasn't ruining my life. I could feel the tension moving out of her body, and oddly enough, out of mine as well.

We exchanged a few words, mostly my apologizing for ranting for 20 minutes and making sure she knew that I wasn't accusing her of all of those things that I was frustrated about - I was just upset. I then apologized for walking away, and she said that at first she wasn't happy with my doing that, but then realized that she just needed to give me a little bit of space. She looked down at me with moist eyes and a half-smile and said, "We're learning."

My stomach went out from under me and as my chin lifted to press my lips to hers, I knew that I had fallen in love all over again in five minutes' time. This really is nothing I've ever experienced before, and she's right: it's definitely a learning experience.