judecorp | Admission: I was scared.

I don't get scared very often, truth be told. Not to toot my own horn or brag or anything - it's nothing like that - it's just more like a general nonchalance that works for me. It's my job to put out fires (not literally, of course) and to deal with people during crises, so yesterday's situation should have been business-as-usual in terms of getting things done.

But I was blindsided, and so I was scared. When my cell phone buzzed at around 2:30PM, I checked, noted it was Jennifer's cell, and put it back into my pocket. I was in the middle of a very busy set of Open Hours, and meant to check the message when it was done. I went directly into Case Review and my phone buzzed again - this time an unidentified Columbus phone number. I let it go. I expected that that one was something unimportant. I was wrong.

By the time I got back to 8th Avenue (my office) and checked the cell phone messages (and consequently my office messages - there were some there, too), I got very jumpy. I was already feeling pressured because both of my case management-type coworkers were out of the office all day yesterday at a conference (and on a Monday after a holiday weekend, even) and it was 5pm and there had been no CMs in the building. I was about to bail on the shelter when there had been no CM services for several days. That threw me a little bit because I have a terrible superhero complex and have to fix everything.

I tried to call my supervisor to get permission to leave and she had left for the day. I sat around for 5 minutes not knowing what to do (and I'm supposed to help people in crisis!), and eventually called the Executive Director of Faith Mission, told him the situation, and left. I was pretty calm by then, though - I mean, I was on my way to the ER, I had called to make sure she was still there, and things were good at work. And then I got to the ER.

I waited for someone at the receptionist desk and explained that my girlfriend had been brought to the ER with a coworker, and that I wanted to know where she was. The volunteer went somewhere, came back, and told me she was in x-ray and I could wait out in the reception area for a while. He could not give me a time. I said that I knew someone was waiting with her in the ER proper, and could I please go there? He asked who I was. I said I was her girlfriend, and that I was also her ride home so it was important that she a) know I'm here, and b) be able to find me. I had to sit in reception and wait.

I resigned myself to sitting with the 8 million people waiting for triage nurses and stewed in my own cognitive juices. I knew that if I'd been able to say anything other than "she is my girlfriend" that I would have been escorted back there to wait. I know that when I was married, my spouse never had those problems. Ironically enough, while I was watching the news to pass the time, a story came across about the Supreme Court deciding about the legality of sodomy laws. Greeeeat.

Eventually Jennifer was released from x-ray, and the nice volunteer man brought me back there. Heh - now I don't have to meet her boss at the company holiday party. She was definitely upset and shaken up, but when I went over to her side and held her hand, she stopped crying and I have to say that that particular instant was one of the most profound of my meagre existance. At that point, I was this weird mesh of girlfriend and social worker. (Coworker Shannon says that some people are simply "social worker people," and I know I'm one of those.) I tried to say the right, reassuring things and things seemed to go pretty well. The radiologist said they needed more x-rays, and they wheeled her away and left me in the curtain area all by my lonesome.

At this point, I was beside myself. I had a minute alone to think and fret and worry, and the one person I would call before all other people in such a situation was the one who was just wheeled away. I tried to call Jodie, and then my brother, and caught Ryan. My brother called back and it felt better just to talk about the situation out loud with someone. Then she came back, and we waited for the results together and talked about some things and everything felt right again.

After we got her prescription and got home, it hit me just how scared I really was, on so many levels. The big obvious scare was, "What if something serious had happened to her? What would I do?" That was immediately followed by, "What if something serious had happened to her and I was kept from visiting or making her wishes known?" which was immediately followed by, "Oh my gods, I haven't done my medical proxy stuff since I moved out of New York!" I was floored by my emotions, too ~ I was overcome with need: need for her to be with me, and need for her to console me when I was scared ~ very humbling.

I think we were both a little on edge about the whole thing, but I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather go through it all with - someone who can share her tears with me and then turn around and offer me her strength. Even heroes have the right to bleed.

I know that I told

prudentlike and

prettyvacantone and

whod81 that I would be at the Manda/Epoxies show tonight at High Five, but Jennifer's asked me to stay home and that's what I intend to do. I hope it's a great show.

To recap:
1. Tell your medical wishes to your loved ones.
2. Make sure you have documentation.
3. Keep your auto insurance current.
4. Let everyone know you love them.
5. I love you.

Current Mood: thankful

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

murnkay.livejournal.com

*bighug*

From:

Global female domination.

Admission: I was scared.

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags