Snowy days and Mondays always get me down.
Jan. 6th, 2003 11:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpEven though I set the alarm last night like I usually do on Sunday nights, my brain didn't feel like it was Sunday night. And even when Daedalus woke me up around 4:30am to have some Delicious Canned FoodTM, I still felt like it was Saturday night instead of Sunday. I was looking forward to waking up at my own pace, and rolling into a warm girl for hours. The outside air was somewhat blustery, the sky dark - perfect for curling. But it wasn't Sunday morning, it was Monday morning, and no matter how hard I wished, the alarm still came on and she still had to leave.
I'm paranoid. Not about the usual things like germs or conspiracies or little green men, but about relationships. My relationships, specifically. I take every single piece of my current relationship, and think about my old relationships. I wonder which "phase" of the relationship I'm in, compared, on a time line, to my last serious relationship. This is a recipe for disaster, of course, since my last relationship ended, so whatever phase is just a step leading to demise. But yeah, I'm paranoid. Thank you, drive through.
The last two and a half days have left me feeling somewhat whiny and needy. I'm not really sure why, although part of me hopes that maybe this will be one of the two or three times a year that I'll bleed - and though I usually detest blaming things like this on hormones (or female-ness, but perhaps that's because I don't always like to remind myself of my female-ness), I'd like that to be the answer, since it is temporary and explainable. What I'd hate is for the mood, instead, to be an entry into the "mopey" phase of the relationship. (And before you tell me this is preposterous, that every relationship is different, etc... yes, I know this, rationally I do, but well, you know.)
There was a point in my last relationship where I seemed to get really weird and clingy, and it corresponded to the time in the relationship where we started doing any sort of forward thinking past "when is the next time you're coming to visit?" or something like that. At this mopey point, it seemed like I was down whenever the conversation or the turn of events didn't go my way. Something like, "Oh, you have to work? I wanted to go out." And then I would be mopey because I missed so-and-so, or because of one of a whole host of reasons my whiny self would come up with.
This is ridiculous, I know.
But then I think that maybe it's the weather - the grey, listless, snowy weather we've had all weekend. The sun has just peeked through the clouds and without thinking, I've smiled. I can still see the damn flakes falling out the window, though. Bleh. It's times like this when I wish for just one more day, one more hour... as if maybe if I'd smelled her skin for just a little while longer, I'd be ready to face the day.
Thing is, I can go through the motions without incident. I know that I will plod through the work day with a smile, and be productive, and get lots done and all of that. Just like I knew that I could go to Bernie's with a smile even though I really wasn't feeling much like leaving the house. But if that was, indeed, their last show, and I skipped out, I would have been mad at myself. So I went. And I had an okay time, but I just wasn't feeling it, even though I kissed Brandie's Mom. Before Bernie's, Jennifer and I sat on my sofa and watched K-Pax (which was kind of cute) and I was much more comfortable doing that. But I don't want to be a house hermit, and I don't want to be the girl who doesn't hang out with anyone but her girlfriend. I like seeing people... and I was happy to be near
Sean since it's been so long, and to see ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
galadahlia and May for the first time since The Queers. And to take pictures of my favorite band.
So yeah. Maybe it's blood coming. Or maybe it's snow and grey weather. Or maybe, and I do hope this isn't the case, I'm reliving a relationship pattern that I really don't want. It feels different, though (or maybe I want it to be different so I've convinced myself that it is? See, paranoid), more a need than a want, but who knows? This has never been my strong suit.
I hate having to clean off my car. I hate having to kick snow off my shoes. I need to move to the tropics.
I'm paranoid. Not about the usual things like germs or conspiracies or little green men, but about relationships. My relationships, specifically. I take every single piece of my current relationship, and think about my old relationships. I wonder which "phase" of the relationship I'm in, compared, on a time line, to my last serious relationship. This is a recipe for disaster, of course, since my last relationship ended, so whatever phase is just a step leading to demise. But yeah, I'm paranoid. Thank you, drive through.
The last two and a half days have left me feeling somewhat whiny and needy. I'm not really sure why, although part of me hopes that maybe this will be one of the two or three times a year that I'll bleed - and though I usually detest blaming things like this on hormones (or female-ness, but perhaps that's because I don't always like to remind myself of my female-ness), I'd like that to be the answer, since it is temporary and explainable. What I'd hate is for the mood, instead, to be an entry into the "mopey" phase of the relationship. (And before you tell me this is preposterous, that every relationship is different, etc... yes, I know this, rationally I do, but well, you know.)
There was a point in my last relationship where I seemed to get really weird and clingy, and it corresponded to the time in the relationship where we started doing any sort of forward thinking past "when is the next time you're coming to visit?" or something like that. At this mopey point, it seemed like I was down whenever the conversation or the turn of events didn't go my way. Something like, "Oh, you have to work? I wanted to go out." And then I would be mopey because I missed so-and-so, or because of one of a whole host of reasons my whiny self would come up with.
This is ridiculous, I know.
But then I think that maybe it's the weather - the grey, listless, snowy weather we've had all weekend. The sun has just peeked through the clouds and without thinking, I've smiled. I can still see the damn flakes falling out the window, though. Bleh. It's times like this when I wish for just one more day, one more hour... as if maybe if I'd smelled her skin for just a little while longer, I'd be ready to face the day.
Thing is, I can go through the motions without incident. I know that I will plod through the work day with a smile, and be productive, and get lots done and all of that. Just like I knew that I could go to Bernie's with a smile even though I really wasn't feeling much like leaving the house. But if that was, indeed, their last show, and I skipped out, I would have been mad at myself. So I went. And I had an okay time, but I just wasn't feeling it, even though I kissed Brandie's Mom. Before Bernie's, Jennifer and I sat on my sofa and watched K-Pax (which was kind of cute) and I was much more comfortable doing that. But I don't want to be a house hermit, and I don't want to be the girl who doesn't hang out with anyone but her girlfriend. I like seeing people... and I was happy to be near
Sean since it's been so long, and to see galadahlia and May for the first time since The Queers. And to take pictures of my favorite band.So yeah. Maybe it's blood coming. Or maybe it's snow and grey weather. Or maybe, and I do hope this isn't the case, I'm reliving a relationship pattern that I really don't want. It feels different, though (or maybe I want it to be different so I've convinced myself that it is? See, paranoid), more a need than a want, but who knows? This has never been my strong suit.
I hate having to clean off my car. I hate having to kick snow off my shoes. I need to move to the tropics.
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no subject
Date: 2003-01-06 08:20 am (UTC)no subject
heh
Date: 2003-01-06 08:47 am (UTC)Re: heh
Date: 2003-01-06 08:54 am (UTC)Yuck.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-06 09:58 am (UTC)ah well. on a different note i had a dream the other day that i caught you in my bed and my gay cousin james gandolfini tried to convince me to go for it. heh.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-06 03:14 pm (UTC)But perhaps in our brain-sharing, we have to like /some/ different things. Otherwise whenever we got together, people would sing "I think I'm a clone now" or something. We've always disagreed about the weather. I figure that /someone/ has to enjoy this hellish weather, and it might as well be you!
Your gay cousin James Gandolfini, hunh... you have the weirdest dreams! Did he give us $200 in mafia money? :)
no subject
Date: 2003-01-06 10:31 am (UTC)There are days I read your journal and I have to make sure it isn't mine.
I have been a New Englander for my entire life, and this year, I despise snow. I don't even get that giddy "ooh look at the pretty snow" thing anymore. I just grump around.
I want to move south. Fuck snow.
Pack up the Girl and come with me? :)
We should talk soon, hm?
LOVE!
Yes, we should talk.
Date: 2003-01-06 01:39 pm (UTC)You're more than welcome to come with. We can /both/ look for social work jobs.
I hate snow.
Re: Yes, we should talk.
Date: 2003-01-06 02:20 pm (UTC)You should move to Sacramento. *nods again* =) We're on granite bedrock here. I have never heard tale of an earthquake in Sac. I've lived near here most of my life.
less-than-three, many times. I hope your funks go 'way.
*HUGS*
The Evil Twin
Re: Yes, we should talk.
Date: 2003-01-06 02:23 pm (UTC)You! I less-than-three you!
Re: Yes, we should talk.
Date: 2003-01-06 02:41 pm (UTC)*HUGS*
Re: Yes, we should talk.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-06 12:56 pm (UTC)*snaps fingers*
Date: 2003-01-06 01:47 pm (UTC)Re: *snaps fingers*
Date: 2003-01-06 01:59 pm (UTC)"Rectify" has always sounded vaguely dirty to me.
Re: *snaps fingers*
Date: 2003-01-06 03:29 pm (UTC)Perhaps tomorrow night, though I'm not sure what we'd do. Want to come over and watch Donnie Darko or Real Genius or one of the other movies I have in my house?
(I get out of work at 6:30.)
no subject
Date: 2003-01-06 02:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-06 02:28 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-01-06 02:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-06 03:25 pm (UTC)It's nice to have a bit of an extended weekend by not going in on Mondays until 12:30pm... but I'm sure listless by 8pm or so. I just want to be HOME!
At least Mondays are /really/ busy, so it moves along fairly quickly.