That world outside was hungry
Jan. 24th, 2003 05:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpI wish I knew why I was so down right now. It seems like a lot of people are, but group down-ness isn't really any sort of acceptable excuse or explanation. Sure, the weather is insanely cold and my apartment doesn't really heat up and I'm dreading my gas bill, and sure I just got a $170 bill from my doctor's office because I have to pay for all the lab fees for my check up in November (even though some of the tests were tests I didn't even /want/, like why did I have to be tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia?), but I just don't know. I'm just feeling really overwhelmed, on one hand, and terribly underwhelmed on the other.
Something is in the air, and it's making things crazy at work. This week, I haven't had time to make phone calls or complete paperwork or anything. I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels, running from place to place to place and achieving nothing. And I don't even have the liberty of checking my personal email during lunch to kind of perk me up. I just sit there, with my sandwich, trying to catch up on calls and paperwork. It's Friday at 5:15pm, and I haven't done a lick of planning for the Pittsburgh trip, so that right now the idea just makes me want to throw up.
If I were to leave, I'd leave tomorrow at 8, which would mean getting up at 7. And I haven't contacted![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lorimelton about accomodations, and I haven't contacted laughingsal about riding with, and I haven't looked to see which events I want to go to, and even if I /do/ pick them, I don't really know how to get anywhere in Pittsburgh except for Lori and Ralph's house, and that would mean I would need to do whatever she wants to do, and the whole thing just seems so big and unbelievable right now. I probably won't be going, because even with this deadline, I still can't get up the energy to call Lori or to mapquest directions to all these places, or go get gas for my car.
My Jennifer called me at work and asked one little question about the weekend and I just fell apart. I spent two days running like an idiot trying to put things in the works for this client of mine, only to have someone come and in 15 minutes crash the whole thing down. I seem to have every single client with mental illness at my shelter. And one of my coworkers hasn't been in the past couple of days - she works two jobs full time and I think she puts this one on hold for the other one. It's gotten to the point where I don't really refer people to her because nothing happens.
Coworker E "stepped out" for an hour and a half today. And usually spends at least another hour playing solitaire. I want to know how these people can not show up, or take these insane breaks, while I'm scrambling and struggling just to float. How is that possible? What am I doing wrong that I don't even have 15 minutes to eat lunch without doing paperwork or entering things into ServicePoint or making phone calls?
Last night, it hit me (again) that I don't make enough money to really further my life. I can live the way I live right now, true. I can afford my apartment and my bills, and I've been fortunate enough to be able to pay for Jen and I to go out a good amount. But I don't make enough to buy a house, and I don't make enough to raise a child, and I don't even really make enough to pay this stupid bill from the medical lab. I'm so glad I've been sending $60/month to the insurance company for them NOT to pay anything.
Ignore everything I've written. I just want to go to sleep.
Headlines were tragic
But it didn't seem to matter
It was easier then to turn the other way
From the ruins of rage
Something is in the air, and it's making things crazy at work. This week, I haven't had time to make phone calls or complete paperwork or anything. I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels, running from place to place to place and achieving nothing. And I don't even have the liberty of checking my personal email during lunch to kind of perk me up. I just sit there, with my sandwich, trying to catch up on calls and paperwork. It's Friday at 5:15pm, and I haven't done a lick of planning for the Pittsburgh trip, so that right now the idea just makes me want to throw up.
If I were to leave, I'd leave tomorrow at 8, which would mean getting up at 7. And I haven't contacted
lorimelton about accomodations, and I haven't contacted laughingsal about riding with, and I haven't looked to see which events I want to go to, and even if I /do/ pick them, I don't really know how to get anywhere in Pittsburgh except for Lori and Ralph's house, and that would mean I would need to do whatever she wants to do, and the whole thing just seems so big and unbelievable right now. I probably won't be going, because even with this deadline, I still can't get up the energy to call Lori or to mapquest directions to all these places, or go get gas for my car.My Jennifer called me at work and asked one little question about the weekend and I just fell apart. I spent two days running like an idiot trying to put things in the works for this client of mine, only to have someone come and in 15 minutes crash the whole thing down. I seem to have every single client with mental illness at my shelter. And one of my coworkers hasn't been in the past couple of days - she works two jobs full time and I think she puts this one on hold for the other one. It's gotten to the point where I don't really refer people to her because nothing happens.
Coworker E "stepped out" for an hour and a half today. And usually spends at least another hour playing solitaire. I want to know how these people can not show up, or take these insane breaks, while I'm scrambling and struggling just to float. How is that possible? What am I doing wrong that I don't even have 15 minutes to eat lunch without doing paperwork or entering things into ServicePoint or making phone calls?
Last night, it hit me (again) that I don't make enough money to really further my life. I can live the way I live right now, true. I can afford my apartment and my bills, and I've been fortunate enough to be able to pay for Jen and I to go out a good amount. But I don't make enough to buy a house, and I don't make enough to raise a child, and I don't even really make enough to pay this stupid bill from the medical lab. I'm so glad I've been sending $60/month to the insurance company for them NOT to pay anything.
Ignore everything I've written. I just want to go to sleep.
Headlines were tragic
But it didn't seem to matter
It was easier then to turn the other way
From the ruins of rage
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-01-24 02:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-24 02:42 pm (UTC)An anime cartoon, of course, because it's, like, about sex.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-24 02:37 pm (UTC)Sounds like you answered your own question to me. :)
Oh, remember last week when I told you about what I thought was a shorter route to Pgh? I was wrong--it is shorter to go up from Washington after all.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-24 02:44 pm (UTC)And this post really just is the tip of my angst today. Normally I solve this by going for a long walk and talking to myself out loud. But I have no interest in freezing to death tonight, you know?
I feel like a boob even complaining, when so many other people have much bigger troubles than me.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-24 02:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-24 02:54 pm (UTC)*mwah*
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Date: 2003-01-24 02:47 pm (UTC)Going home now, though. Love you.
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Date: 2003-01-24 02:44 pm (UTC)p.s. call me anyway if you want to get together. I'm good for low key evenings and bitching about life.
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Date: 2003-01-24 02:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-24 02:50 pm (UTC)worms.
in my head.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-25 02:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-24 03:19 pm (UTC)First of all, no worries. If you want to come out, we'll make it work, if it doesn't work out, I'll come visit you after student teaching.
This grey cold stuff makes everyone want to hibernate, and you have a stressful job on top of it. So, don't kick yourself if you don't come. Listen to yourself and take care of yourself. If your instinct is to stay inside and watch videos, then do that. But, if you find yourself wanting to come, don't stop because we haven't done a lot of planning. I am pretty spontaneous, and can handle it :)
If you do come out, we can make things work, because we have cell phones! So, I can drop you somewhere and meet up later, with the phone as a fail-safe.
However, they are calling for snow on Sunday :( So, that could get you stuck here until Monday, depending on how much we actually get. They're saying "light snow" but who knows.
Gad, I'm not much help, am I? ;-) Big hugs to you, whatever you do this weekend!
Oh -- and I'd call you, but I can't get into my email just now to find your number.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-25 02:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-24 03:34 pm (UTC)The weather is cold, the skies are grey and life is kicking you in the ass a little. You need to give yourself a break.
I wonder the same things at times about my job (why /I/ always seem to be running around like a maniac when people can have "appointment free Fridays to do paperwork" WTF? no less talk about affording a house, a child, or anything to "upgrade" my life.
Then, when I feel like I've hit the bottom?
I think about and remember the people that love me (and who remind me constantly).
Despite all the bitching, I remember /why/ I do the work I do.
I write in my LJ and get lots of love and kisses.
I offer you lots of love and kisses.
And my sympathetic, yet therapist-like, ear if you need it.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-25 02:36 pm (UTC)I know that my life is pretty damned good. It's the weather. The weather is kicking my ass.
However, The Girl was kind enough to wait 45 minutes in the car wash line with me, and now that my car is all shiny and blingbling clean, I'm happy again.
No more crusty car! :)
no subject
Date: 2003-01-26 10:27 am (UTC)That's why I'm not even bothering to wash my car until April.
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Date: 2003-01-26 10:53 am (UTC)Yes.
Wanna come over and watch moooovies?
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Date: 2003-01-26 11:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-24 09:56 pm (UTC)I don't really know how to get anywhere in Pittsburgh...
Well, you could always drop by DG, download the grid maps, and....
*ducks*
Hope you're feeling better!
hugs,
Sunny
no subject
Date: 2003-01-25 02:35 pm (UTC)