And you may ask yourself, "How did I get here?"

[judecorp]

It's weird. For a long while after she moved here, I still had the feeling that she was here on an extended vacation, as if it hadn't sunken in that she had actually /moved/ here, established a residence and a job and everything. Things happened: an Ohio driver's license, Ohio plates on a car that wasn't her New Jersey car, comments about neighborhoods and favorite spots and where things are located. And those things, at the time, seemed like oddities.

Right now, at this very moment, I can't really comprehend long distance. It's almost as though I've forgotten that we ever did that. A lifetime ago. Someone else's lifetime ago. Did I ever go to a late Sunday evening art film without her beside me? Did I used to sleep alone? Did I eat dinner, in my apartment, on the sofa, something simple and solitary, like maybe macaroni and cheese, chips and salsa, or a bagel? Did I really go to the laundromat alone, with a book, or stationery perhaps?

Wasn't she always here?

Comments

[kungfoogirl.livejournal.com]

Distance is very hard.

In all honesty, it's been a very very long time since I've fallen for someone in the same city as me. And even that last time, there were lots of things that made it seem almost as if it *was* long distance.

The norm in my relationships over the last 10 years or so has been the frustration and longing that comes with caring about someone that is so far away from you. The terrible thing is that there is security and comfort in that distance as well. It's as if you've got a built-in excuse to walk away from the relationship. And it's guilt-free. Everyone knows distance is hard, and that most relationships don't survive it.

I think I'm ready to change that trend. The easy out isn't as appealing as it used to be, and longing is worse than it's ever been. It's time for me to see if I can do something about that.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Isn't it funny how there is both comfort and security, /and/ frustration and longing in all relationships, and that these feelings can be attributed to distance, or to proximity? I think once a heart becomes entwined with another, or to say it in a less romantic way, when two (or more) people try to weave their inner lives together, the chaos of emotion that results is so wicked and so terrifying and so complex that we feel the need to find external causes.

Distance. Stress. Family. Money. Work.

In /my/ life, romantic and otherwise, I'm starting to see that the chaos is inside me, and has been all along. It's just that there are so few people in my life that I'm willing to share that with, that I'd risk exposing that to. While some things in my relationship have become easier with closeness, others have become more difficult, and now there are issues that distance didn't allow for - serpents named silly things like "treading on someone else's life" and "feeling like a tag along" and "needing space" and so on and so on.

What does this babbling have to do with your comment? Probably nothing. I've been reading too much Winterson, perhaps, or poetry. Still, aside from everything else, trust me when I say this, Christina: I want the best for you. I'm glad that someone (http://selfpreserve.livejournal.com) has given you the kick in the pants to ask them to stay. I think it's an amazing thing. Distance is hard, yes, and proximity is hard, too. Is one easier than the other? Likely, yes. Do what your heart says is right. I need to stop searching for "safe" and "easy." That's hard.

Good luck to you. I think the things you're doing are good and right things. I think the things you're considering are good and right things. I wish you the world.

[donewithyou.livejournal.com]

Awwww.. that's so sweet. I remember feeling that way when Andrea first moved here. It's an amazing feeling.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It sort of boggles my mind. I guess I'm just not really used to feeling like a part of something, I mean, to /really/ feel like a part of something. I tried so hard last time to feel that way, and I worked so hard - but it was all the wrong work, because I was fooling myself and everyone else.

Aah, the things we learn! Hearts are sneaky and treacherous little beasties. :)

[donewithyou.livejournal.com]

>>Hearts are sneaky and treacherous little beasties. :)
Isn't that the truth!

[pica-nc.livejournal.com]

Distance sucks. Everyone always says that absence makes the herat grow fonder... I've experienced that absence also makes the heart grow forgetful :/

I *is* strange, looking around and seeing "her" things, commonplace against your own. Coming to your empty home, only to hear faint trails of music as you insert the key, and find it unlocked. Smells of her shampoo and soap in a warmed bathroom BEFORE you've showered. I used to be boggled when getting the mail and finding statement for my bank with someone elses name above my address; boggled in a way that it pleased me, renewed that exciting feeling that she was here, not way-over-there.

I loved tripping over her boots, finding her stray socks in ther dryer, knowing that she was just in the next room, being excited when I realized she was going to be there for our definition of forever.

The distance I experience now with my new lover is just a physical illustration of the distance I hold her to in my heart. I think the converse is true—I think when that physical distance is closed, often with it the other "distances" we hold towards the ones we love come, too.

I'm waxing philosophical here... but reading your entry was a wonderful experience and brought me back to a moment that I had let fade.

You write elloquently :) I hope your lip heals fast, for both you and her!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

On an unrelated note, you look so much like my girlfriend, it's scary. Even /she/ thought so. Wow!

The distance I experience now with my new lover is just a physical illustration of the distance I hold her to in my heart. I think the converse is true—I think when that physical distance is closed, often with it the other "distances" we hold towards the ones we love come, too.

I think you are absolutely correct on this. After my last long relationship bit the dust, I was really careful to hold everyone at arms' length. It was no surprise that all of my crush objects were long-distance.

Thanks for the compliments!