Piece me together with a needle and thread.

[judecorp]

Class was pretty amusing. I like the people in my group. There's one guy in the class, and he's in my group (not too many guys in clinical social work). He looks like Judd Nelson to me. Like, totally like Judd Nelson. So I asked him if anyone's ever said that to him before. He said no, which leads me to believe, yet again, that I live on my own planet. Which isn't a bad thing.

This girl Tiff and I got into a side conversation (oh no! crosstalk = bad!) about the Beat Generation and the Merry Pranksters bus. I have no idea how it came up, but I sure do like that girl. Yes. She rocks. We must get together. I will have to do something to make the first move and ensure that we hang out sometime.

Nikki called today, too, which was unexpected since I have been calling her for weeks. I thought her answering machine was eating my messages. Come to find out she lost my number. Silly girl. Her dad died at the end of last quarter and I'd called her on father's day to see if she was okay. She seems to be doing better, and I'm really happy about that. She's a great girl. I thought she was a telemarketer when she called. I almost didn't answer. I'm glad I did.

I'm having those 'wonder about the relationship' moments again with A. I suppose these things happen in any long term relationship. I wouldn't know, though, because I've never been in one before. I wonder if I'm selling myself short. I have these pipe dreams of moving back to NY and being manic and crazy, and I know I can never do that with him, since he and NY don't mix. It makes me wonder if I take care of the relationship or if I take care of the pipe dreams. Anyone with LTR experience, I like advice.

I am a big city girl and he is a small town boy. He wants an expanse of land away from everything, with gardens and animals and such. I want the protection of tall buildings, the safety of concrete and glass. I want crowds, and activity, and my City. I miss it. I miss it more than I ever thought I would.

A. is an amazing person - kind, sincere, sensitive, caring, heartfelt. He's the kind of stuff that cheesy romance movies are made of. When we met, it was like being trapped in a fairy tale. I would have done anything to keep it going. Which is how, I guess, I started losing myself. To keep him close to me, to keep him happy, I went along with how he wanted things, with his dreams. I made my dreams fit his dreams. I just wanted to love him. I still do.

My dreams are trying to explode. I'm not sure what to do about that.

When I was younger, I was (still am) the person that could make everyone laugh. I was gifted with wit, and a brightness that hit the core of people. When people were upset, they came to me, to cheer them up, to make them laugh. I was the clown.

Everyone knows clowns don't have problems, right?

I cried for the first time, seriously broke down and cried, when I was 17 1/2. I kept myself strong by keeping myself cold.

I see myself doing this again - pulling away from the problems, going along, molding.

I'm scared.

Comments

You're as cold as ice

[(Anonymous)]

I know you know that song, so don't take that as a comment that I think you actually /are/ that way. Sometimes I /feel/ that distant, and maybe you do too. I'm reading your words, and understanding it so well. Everyone knows that clowns don't cry. Everyone knows that the rock never crumbles.

Good thing I'm not everyone. I can't offer answers, only say that I know you, and have been and sometimes continue to be where you are. If you figure out the answer, let me know. If you figure out how to have a partner without losing yourself, let me know. I'm thinking of you. *HUGS*

Re: You're as cold as ice

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I just found out, definitively, who posted this.

It was who I thought it was.

I feel squishy about it. That's bad, isn't it?