I am Jack's Espresso Brain
Apr. 23rd, 2003 12:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpTonight I sent email to someone who no longer speaks to me.
It was a simple, noncommittal email. I've learned, in the time we've stopped speaking, that baring my soul and leaving pockets of vulnerability only seem to invite more hurt in. I've learned, too, that even noncommittal emails can bring consequences, and each time I send one I invariably end up regretting it. And a few months pass, and something else happens, and I send another.
I sent one on her birthday, and it was summarily ignored. Ignore is easier than dismissive reply. What is it about her that keeps me coming back for more? What is it about /me/?
Tonight I was surfing the web, reading a random site, something I don't do all that often. The connection to her was immediate and powerful. As if we had never stopped speaking, my neurons flashed: She needs to see this. Without thinking it through, I emailed the link. No message, really. Just, 'I thought you might want to see this.' And now, mere minutes later, I wonder what I hope the result will be.
I know that I'm hoping for a lack of a smackdown. I'm not sure I'm hoping for renewed friendship - I'm much too guarded to hold hopes that high, to build myself up for something that will never happen. I'm an 'aim low, and be pleasantly surprised' sort of person. Tonight, I'm aiming very low. Like, lack of verbal aggression low. I'd settle for being ignored.
If I had a chance, in a safe space, where I would be listened to without judgment, without suspicion, I would say things. I would say, "I haven't forgotten how it feels to love you." I would say, "You've never been more than a stone's throw away from my day to day." I would say, "I never intended to hurt you." Actually, I wouldn't say that last bit, because it sounds so cliche and so trite and so meaningless, whether true or not. I would say, "Remember those nights when we would just... understand each other? Without words or actions, without thoughts? Remember those nights when your tears brought my tears, when your rage brought my conviction, when your challenge brought my strength?" And then, in a smaller voice, "Remember the feeling of your hip bone in the palm of my hand?"
There was something very intense, very special, and very unique between us. There is no person, no situation, no relationship that can change these facts, this history. Friendship doesn't quite encapsulate those things, but I've never really understood how she could take an 'all or nothing' stance on our interaction. I've accepted it, but it sits about as well as acid reflux. Perhaps it hurt her too much to be friends and not lovers, not girlfriends. Perhaps it hurts less not to be friends. I don't understand it, but it's not for me to understand, I guess.
It's after midnight. This is me thinking of you, Princess. No matter how you choose to respond, take /something/ positive out of that.
It was a simple, noncommittal email. I've learned, in the time we've stopped speaking, that baring my soul and leaving pockets of vulnerability only seem to invite more hurt in. I've learned, too, that even noncommittal emails can bring consequences, and each time I send one I invariably end up regretting it. And a few months pass, and something else happens, and I send another.
I sent one on her birthday, and it was summarily ignored. Ignore is easier than dismissive reply. What is it about her that keeps me coming back for more? What is it about /me/?
Tonight I was surfing the web, reading a random site, something I don't do all that often. The connection to her was immediate and powerful. As if we had never stopped speaking, my neurons flashed: She needs to see this. Without thinking it through, I emailed the link. No message, really. Just, 'I thought you might want to see this.' And now, mere minutes later, I wonder what I hope the result will be.
I know that I'm hoping for a lack of a smackdown. I'm not sure I'm hoping for renewed friendship - I'm much too guarded to hold hopes that high, to build myself up for something that will never happen. I'm an 'aim low, and be pleasantly surprised' sort of person. Tonight, I'm aiming very low. Like, lack of verbal aggression low. I'd settle for being ignored.
If I had a chance, in a safe space, where I would be listened to without judgment, without suspicion, I would say things. I would say, "I haven't forgotten how it feels to love you." I would say, "You've never been more than a stone's throw away from my day to day." I would say, "I never intended to hurt you." Actually, I wouldn't say that last bit, because it sounds so cliche and so trite and so meaningless, whether true or not. I would say, "Remember those nights when we would just... understand each other? Without words or actions, without thoughts? Remember those nights when your tears brought my tears, when your rage brought my conviction, when your challenge brought my strength?" And then, in a smaller voice, "Remember the feeling of your hip bone in the palm of my hand?"
There was something very intense, very special, and very unique between us. There is no person, no situation, no relationship that can change these facts, this history. Friendship doesn't quite encapsulate those things, but I've never really understood how she could take an 'all or nothing' stance on our interaction. I've accepted it, but it sits about as well as acid reflux. Perhaps it hurt her too much to be friends and not lovers, not girlfriends. Perhaps it hurts less not to be friends. I don't understand it, but it's not for me to understand, I guess.
It's after midnight. This is me thinking of you, Princess. No matter how you choose to respond, take /something/ positive out of that.
