I am Jack's Espresso Brain

[judecorp]

Tonight I sent email to someone who no longer speaks to me.

It was a simple, noncommittal email. I've learned, in the time we've stopped speaking, that baring my soul and leaving pockets of vulnerability only seem to invite more hurt in. I've learned, too, that even noncommittal emails can bring consequences, and each time I send one I invariably end up regretting it. And a few months pass, and something else happens, and I send another.

I sent one on her birthday, and it was summarily ignored. Ignore is easier than dismissive reply. What is it about her that keeps me coming back for more? What is it about /me/?

Tonight I was surfing the web, reading a random site, something I don't do all that often. The connection to her was immediate and powerful. As if we had never stopped speaking, my neurons flashed: She needs to see this. Without thinking it through, I emailed the link. No message, really. Just, 'I thought you might want to see this.' And now, mere minutes later, I wonder what I hope the result will be.

I know that I'm hoping for a lack of a smackdown. I'm not sure I'm hoping for renewed friendship - I'm much too guarded to hold hopes that high, to build myself up for something that will never happen. I'm an 'aim low, and be pleasantly surprised' sort of person. Tonight, I'm aiming very low. Like, lack of verbal aggression low. I'd settle for being ignored.

If I had a chance, in a safe space, where I would be listened to without judgment, without suspicion, I would say things. I would say, "I haven't forgotten how it feels to love you." I would say, "You've never been more than a stone's throw away from my day to day." I would say, "I never intended to hurt you." Actually, I wouldn't say that last bit, because it sounds so cliche and so trite and so meaningless, whether true or not. I would say, "Remember those nights when we would just... understand each other? Without words or actions, without thoughts? Remember those nights when your tears brought my tears, when your rage brought my conviction, when your challenge brought my strength?" And then, in a smaller voice, "Remember the feeling of your hip bone in the palm of my hand?"

There was something very intense, very special, and very unique between us. There is no person, no situation, no relationship that can change these facts, this history. Friendship doesn't quite encapsulate those things, but I've never really understood how she could take an 'all or nothing' stance on our interaction. I've accepted it, but it sits about as well as acid reflux. Perhaps it hurt her too much to be friends and not lovers, not girlfriends. Perhaps it hurts less not to be friends. I don't understand it, but it's not for me to understand, I guess.

It's after midnight. This is me thinking of you, Princess. No matter how you choose to respond, take /something/ positive out of that.

Comments

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

I relate.

I constantly want to say all those things to Christine, but the consequences of actually saying them would be that she might write back, and then we'd just be back at the same old problem and we'd both get hurt again. Both of us. And whatever pleasure my saying those things might give her would not be enough to be worthwhile to her for the pain it would cause. So I do not write . . . but I hope to goddess she knows that I'm feeling those things, without my having to say it.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I wonder if everyone has someone like this, someone with whom shitty, painful things happen. And if we /all/ have one, shouldn't it be easier to deal with? Shouldn't everyone just go around forgiving everyone and trying to be friends?

Nah, I'm talking out my ass.

[prettyvacantone.livejournal.com]

I wonder if everyone has someone like this, someone with whom shitty, painful things happen.
Yes. I think we do.

I so understand the wanting to say things..wanting them to know so badly how you feel. When Brandon broke up with me, once I got done with the screaming and Fuck Yous, and once he had found someone new, all I could do was go over in my head all the things that I wanted to be able to say to him..that would never be appropriate again. I've never been one to be able to cut things off so completely (and it sounds like you aren't either), and I guess I'll never comprehend how people can just "turn their love off".

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't understand it either.

I know that sometimes it's best to not acknowledge love because it's too painful or whatnot, but I honestly don't know that you can will care and concern to disappear. I mean, something brought us together as friends, as really good friends, and I'm not sure I can just snap my fingers and forget about everything we shared.

[kungfoogirl.livejournal.com]

This is "The Ninja" part of me speaking: I hope that it turns out well. I hope very hard that it does.

-C.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

So I got a reply. A non-hostile reply. The question is: Do I let it go on a positive note, or do I write back with the possibility of getting shot down?

[michael622.livejournal.com]

I've been trying to live by the motto - I'd rather regret something I /did/, than regret something I didn't do.

On the other hand, I tend to hold grudges. Why am I so easy to put out of people's lives? Why am I so easy to forget? It makes me angry. And sometimes the anger won't let me try to make peace ... you're much more mature than I am, though. If I were you, I would try to mend fences. You're a very special person - and I don't know if I'd ever want to meet a person stupid enough to refuse the gift of your friendship.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I agree with what you say about regretting what you did rather than what you didn't do. (Except in certain cases, you know, when what you did was bad!)

You're a very special person - and I don't know if I'd ever want to meet a person stupid enough to refuse the gift of your friendship.

Thank you very much for these very nice words. However, I'm not always a great person, and there are times that choices I've made have hurt other people. In those cases, perhaps my friendship isn't a gift, in those moments. I'd like to think, though, that overall, my friendship /is/ a positive thing.

More relations

[etherial.livejournal.com]

I keep saying those things to Marc.
Wish you better luck than me.

Re: More relations

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

*crosses finger for both of us*

[chaptal.livejournal.com]

Good luck. Been there, still there sometimes.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

*sigh*

Even with the best intentions, everyone fucks up. This is me, who fucked up.

[chaptal.livejournal.com]

You didn't fuck up. You're trying to be honest. Not getting a response may mean just that. Not getting a response. But it's not your problem.

Now try telling me that...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You didn't fuck up. You're trying to be honest. Not getting a response may mean just that. Not getting a response. But it's not your problem.

[chaptal.livejournal.com]

Me and my big keyboard :)

[shadist.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to drop by and say that I enjoyed meeting you.

:)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Glad you could make it.

Re:

[shadist.livejournal.com]

Now that I have hit one I plan on making as many as I can.

Even if they do have me staying up later than usual.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Going to bed early is for wimps!

Re:

[shadist.livejournal.com]

Call me McWimpy

:)

Getting up at 5am is for suckers as well.


Yep thats me too.

Not the same watercraft, but one of similar design.

[kjtoo.livejournal.com]

This is where I might say, "I know how you feel," and it would sound corny and trite and incredibly cliché. I don't know you feel, but I know how I feel. In my boat, there's a person who I'm tempted to e-mail every day, but simply cannot. Inside, I feel that there should be some way that we can be friends, that the kind of connection we used to have could be restored, though not in a dangerous way. Wishful thinking? Perhaps. But I believe that we're both missing out on a fantastic friendship because of things I've done in the past. Is it possible to restore that friendship without the danger of it becoming something more? Maybe it is. I'd like to think so. I know, though, that I can't explore that possibility. Sometimes, that knowledge is incredibly depressing.

You may feel like you're walking on eggshells with her right now. That's probably better than the alternative, which is not to be walking at all.

Re: Not the same watercraft, but one of similar design.

[prettyvacantone.livejournal.com]

You may feel like you're walking on eggshells with her right now. That's probably better than the alternative, which is not to be walking at all.
I don't know about that. Is it really worthwhile to maintain a friendship that you can never express how you really feel because you're scared that anything you say or do will cause an enormous, outrageous fight or, worse, all ties to be cut completely? If someone doesn't appreciate and understand in a relationship, is it healthy to push it and force it? I think when things are so fragile, neither person can really get what they want out of remaining friends.

But I'm being so hypocritical right now that it hurts. I refuse to let these things die, but I think that's the source of a lot of my pain. I'd just hate to see anyone else go through that if they're still at a point where disaster can be avoided.

Re: Not the same watercraft, but one of similar design.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

But I believe that we're both missing out on a fantastic friendship because of things I've done in the past.

I agree, to a point. I think we're both missing out on an incredible possibility because of things we've both done.

And I don't know that I would feel comfortable walking on eggshells forever. I mean, eventually I will need to get the picture that either we /can/ be friends or we can't. I won't sidestep around nervously all the time, because that would be a bastardization of the closeness we /did/ share, the relationship that I miss.

[kieron.livejournal.com]

This is me, your old friend saying this: I hope you get what you are looking for. I have been there.
Her: "Why are you calling me? We aren't together anymore."
Me: "Why? Because we had something and I thought we could be friends. My mistake."

I don't want you to go through that. Today I am the person who cuts ties. It is only so much vulnerability you can offer and have it shot down before you cannot be vulnerable again to anyone.

But, a part of me applauds your effort. A part of me is envious of your moments of connection without overwhelming and overpowering fear of hurt again. A part of me wishes that I could retain that ability to gamble again.

Now this is me talking, your girlfriend: Your girlfriend really has no place talking in this discussion, I think. Other to say that whatever happens, I will be there for you. And what you feel, I also feel.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It is only so much vulnerability you can offer and have it shot down before you cannot be vulnerable again to anyone.

I disagree. I think the inability to be vulnerable again isn't an inability at all, it is a choice. I think that with determination, anything is possible. I think that bad experiences with some people do not guarantee bad experiences with others, or even bad experiences with those people in future situations. After all, you're the girl who broke my heart last May.

A part of me is envious of your moments of connection without overwhelming and overpowering fear of hurt again.

Choice again. Why should I suffer, or why should future friends suffer, because of experiences I've had in the past? The only way to guarantee that I have no successful close relationships is not to try to make them, and work at them.

[kieron.livejournal.com]

What I refer to in both instances is recurring bouts of hurt in the same relationship with the same person. If you keep getting hurt by someone you are vulnerable with, there is a tendency to stop allowing yourself to be hurt by that person in that situation. A choice to remove yourself from thsoe moments. And that experience is going to color your feelings about trusting anyone. But in each instance, each relationship you are always making choices, based on your experiences in life and your experiences with that person before and your needs.

That girl I refer to above- I gave her my trust and my love without any reservation. She chose to treat me and that trust the way she did. I chose to not allow it to happen anymore. My need for this person with whom I had a connections pushed me to try over and over to re-establish some sort of relationship - friendship or otherwise. Her needs, I assume, would not allow for that.

In may when we broke each other's heart, it was because we had so much stuff going on in our lives and it overwhelmed us and our relationship and we chose to quit or stop it.

Our needs afterwards allowed us to go beyond the issues of may and take another chance that we chose to take.

I agree with you that it is all choice. I only contend that our choices are flavored by our experience and if your experience with someone is constant pain or denial or rejection, then you may tend to start feeling unable to be vulnerable with them again. You may feel forced into that, or feel pressured one way or another, but ultimately everything you do is a choice. I chose to stop being hurt by someone who had the tools to hurt me so easily. I felt that I had no choice in the hurt so therefore I removed myself from the situation.

[millarose.livejournal.com]

Oh, stop ... there's too many fish out there to get caught up on one guppy :-)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Some guppies are indispensable parts of my life. :)

Re:

[millarose.livejournal.com]

How fortuitous! It was really nice to run into you tonite.

*hugs*
Milla

Yes!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

What a pleasant surprise! I'm glad things are going well. :)