Then close your eyes, I'll be on my way.
Aug. 5th, 2003 11:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpSo we leave tomorrow morning for (hopefully) sunny San Francisco, and the whole ordeal is leaving me with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have been excited about this trip since right around the holidays, and now it's finally here - 8 months in the making - and I feel so hollow. I'm sure that once we're actually on the plane I won't be able to help it, and trip excitement will get to me. But right now... ugh.
Many of you know that the whole reason behind this trip was for my Jennifer to present her thesis and finish the requirements for her Master's degree at the school she attended there. The road to this thesis presentation has been paved with confusion, chaos and strife for a long time. In fact, this thesis ghoul was haunting her when we got back in touch in 2001, and it never really stopped rattling its chains.
Unfortunately, lots of seen and unforeseen circumstances have led up to the project not being complete. And, being as that was the reason for the trip, I find myself at a loss. I know it's not /my/ project, but I have been sweating along in this process from the beginning of our time together, and have been the main stand-by, sounding board, and errand-runner for this endeavor for some time. On top of that, I have been trying to be the supportive partner, and for the last week I just haven't felt like I've been doing a good job. I mean, I definitely know I've been putting out the effort, I just haven't been achieving results.
So I'm nervous about this trip because I'm worried there will be a lot of downcast feelings. And I'm worried that I won't be able to fix them. And I'm worried that we won't have as much fun because there will still be this albatross hanging on my beloved's neck. And I keep beating myself up about ways I could have been "the supportive partner" differently.
Mostly, though, I'm worried about what Jennifer is feeling, and what she is going through, and whether I will be able to help soothe her at all. I only know what I would be feeling in such a situation, and we're usually pretty similar. Jennifer, I ache for you.
I have a list of trip-prep things to do today, so I guess I'd better get cracking. My Jennifer, we'll always have the ocean. It's where we came from, you know, and sometimes, I just want to go back.
Many of you know that the whole reason behind this trip was for my Jennifer to present her thesis and finish the requirements for her Master's degree at the school she attended there. The road to this thesis presentation has been paved with confusion, chaos and strife for a long time. In fact, this thesis ghoul was haunting her when we got back in touch in 2001, and it never really stopped rattling its chains.
Unfortunately, lots of seen and unforeseen circumstances have led up to the project not being complete. And, being as that was the reason for the trip, I find myself at a loss. I know it's not /my/ project, but I have been sweating along in this process from the beginning of our time together, and have been the main stand-by, sounding board, and errand-runner for this endeavor for some time. On top of that, I have been trying to be the supportive partner, and for the last week I just haven't felt like I've been doing a good job. I mean, I definitely know I've been putting out the effort, I just haven't been achieving results.
So I'm nervous about this trip because I'm worried there will be a lot of downcast feelings. And I'm worried that I won't be able to fix them. And I'm worried that we won't have as much fun because there will still be this albatross hanging on my beloved's neck. And I keep beating myself up about ways I could have been "the supportive partner" differently.
Mostly, though, I'm worried about what Jennifer is feeling, and what she is going through, and whether I will be able to help soothe her at all. I only know what I would be feeling in such a situation, and we're usually pretty similar. Jennifer, I ache for you.
I have a list of trip-prep things to do today, so I guess I'd better get cracking. My Jennifer, we'll always have the ocean. It's where we came from, you know, and sometimes, I just want to go back.
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 08:07 am (UTC)And...when I call a little later, I will ask that I can still meet with the Department chair to discuss this with her as well...the worst thing they can do is tell me no....at which point I can argue, citing all the bull shit, or I can look into transferring my credit...
OSU does transfer graduate credit from outside institutions...I read it in their graduate handbook....I don't know if it would work in my situation, but it is a possibility....
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Date: 2003-08-05 08:08 am (UTC)Thats what you did. . . You did the best you could do.
You shouldn't punish yourself. . .
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Date: 2003-08-05 08:13 am (UTC)If this is master's degree, why does she have to get it done at a certain time? In theory, couldn't she submit it whenever she finishes and then just wait to get her degree in the mail?
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Date: 2003-08-05 08:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 08:14 am (UTC)I just want to do everything.
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Date: 2003-08-05 08:15 am (UTC)P.S. I'm gonna miss ya!
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Date: 2003-08-05 08:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 08:16 am (UTC)They may extend her, she is asking them to. But the reason we were going /now/ is that she was told in the winter that it had to be done now. So I don't know.
And she would have to present it in person. So she'd have to get back out there.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 08:18 am (UTC)In an hour or so, I'll probably feel much more positive. I mean, I'M GOING TO SAN FRANCISCO! I have always wanted to go to California! And I get to see my Luke! And meet
Yes, I just need to get out of this funk and clean the cat litter boxes. The cat puke in the bathroom this morning didn't help, you see. :)
I love you!
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Date: 2003-08-05 08:19 am (UTC)Oh hell, we can talk about this, or not talk about this, later.
I love you.
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Date: 2003-08-05 08:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 08:29 am (UTC)I can understand you feeling bad because Jen is probably feeling at least a little crushed by frustration and disappointment. But sometimes there's only so much you can do. It sounds like you have made everything in Jen's life outside the thesis run as smoothly as possible; you've taken care of chores, you've made her surroundings as comfortable and comforting as possible, and you've loved her.
This is Jen's thesis, not yours. You have done what you can to give her the best space possible in which to work on it. The rest is up to her. She is the one who has to sit down and finish it as she sees best.
I guess it comes down to you believing that if she needs your help, she'll ask you for it. Will she? If that's the case, as long as you are there for her when she wants to bang her head on the wall, you are being the best, most supportive Jude you can be.
If it's not the case, then again, you're doing all you can do; it's not as if peppering her with questions about what she might want would help her get her thesis done. Either way, you are giving her mad basset love, and it sounds like she knows it and truly appreciates it.
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Date: 2003-08-05 08:29 am (UTC)I love you too!!!
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Date: 2003-08-05 08:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 08:55 am (UTC)Gross!
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Date: 2003-08-05 09:03 am (UTC)"Sun" is not normally a word that one associates with San Francisco.
One goes to SF to get out of the California heat.
Especially in August and September.
Bring a sweater.
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Date: 2003-08-05 09:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 09:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 09:32 am (UTC)Jeff, don't be so negative! The past two times we've been in the city, it's been gorgeous.
Jude, don't worry about that, even when it's foggy, it's great. But Jeff *is* right about the sweater. It's best to bring layers when coming to the Bay Area... San Francisco is usually 10-20 degrees cooler than Livermore, and it's only about 50 miles away...
Still figuring out the menu... :)
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Date: 2003-08-05 10:29 am (UTC)Having said that, I'm going back to mine. :)
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Date: 2003-08-05 11:17 am (UTC)I wasn't being negative! I *LOVE* foggy San Francisco!! :)
I just meant that "sunny San Francisco" seems like an oxymoron, or, at least, it should be one.
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Date: 2003-08-05 11:41 am (UTC)However most of the time you just have to learn to be ok with what you did do.
And I don't think there is always more, I don't think you can push yourself beyond a point, there is always a point when the race is over and you can't go faster or further.
Most of the time the reason for that is time.
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Date: 2003-08-05 12:52 pm (UTC)I had already planned to bring long clothing. I was told by a friend that only tourists wear shorts there anyway. (Heh, I'm so fashion conscious.) And I'm a fanatical overpacker.
So thanks for the tips! :)
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Date: 2003-08-05 12:53 pm (UTC)HAHAHAHA!!! That's a good one! :)
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Date: 2003-08-05 12:54 pm (UTC)Thanks for the weather info! I'm looking forward to some beautiful weather, so it better be GREAT!
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Date: 2003-08-05 12:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 12:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 12:55 pm (UTC)And that's what I'm doing, baby. Letting it goooooo.
SMOOCH
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Date: 2003-08-05 12:56 pm (UTC)Maine
Date: 2003-08-05 12:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 12:59 pm (UTC)People tend to be much more accepting here. I doubt you will feel 'out-of-place' at all.
Re: Maine
Date: 2003-08-05 01:47 pm (UTC)Your soul will warm up.
So will your feet.
It's one of the hardest things in the world to do!
Date: 2003-08-05 01:54 pm (UTC)Re: It's one of the hardest things in the world to do!
Date: 2003-08-05 04:36 pm (UTC)Re: Maine
Date: 2003-08-05 04:37 pm (UTC)My brother's fiancee got me Hello Kitty slippers for Christmas last year.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 04:38 pm (UTC)But I know her. :)
Re: Maine
Date: 2003-08-05 04:52 pm (UTC)Re: Maine
Date: 2003-08-05 04:59 pm (UTC)Re: Maine
Date: 2003-08-05 05:07 pm (UTC)I do not own one.
But, to be fair, I don't think I want one.
TMI
Date: 2003-08-05 05:17 pm (UTC)Oh, who am I kidding? I have one with a big bunny on it.
Re: TMI
Date: 2003-08-05 05:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-05 06:25 pm (UTC)Anyway,
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Date: 2003-08-05 09:14 pm (UTC)Sometimes people really baffle me. Didn't these people have caregivers who taught them that this sort of thing was ridiculous??!?
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Date: 2003-08-06 08:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-11 08:13 pm (UTC)