judecorp | Then close your eyes, I'll be on my way.

So we leave tomorrow morning for (hopefully) sunny San Francisco, and the whole ordeal is leaving me with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have been excited about this trip since right around the holidays, and now it's finally here - 8 months in the making - and I feel so hollow. I'm sure that once we're actually on the plane I won't be able to help it, and trip excitement will get to me. But right now... ugh.

Many of you know that the whole reason behind this trip was for my Jennifer to present her thesis and finish the requirements for her Master's degree at the school she attended there. The road to this thesis presentation has been paved with confusion, chaos and strife for a long time. In fact, this thesis ghoul was haunting her when we got back in touch in 2001, and it never really stopped rattling its chains.

Unfortunately, lots of seen and unforeseen circumstances have led up to the project not being complete. And, being as that was the reason for the trip, I find myself at a loss. I know it's not /my/ project, but I have been sweating along in this process from the beginning of our time together, and have been the main stand-by, sounding board, and errand-runner for this endeavor for some time. On top of that, I have been trying to be the supportive partner, and for the last week I just haven't felt like I've been doing a good job. I mean, I definitely know I've been putting out the effort, I just haven't been achieving results.

So I'm nervous about this trip because I'm worried there will be a lot of downcast feelings. And I'm worried that I won't be able to fix them. And I'm worried that we won't have as much fun because there will still be this albatross hanging on my beloved's neck. And I keep beating myself up about ways I could have been "the supportive partner" differently.

Mostly, though, I'm worried about what Jennifer is feeling, and what she is going through, and whether I will be able to help soothe her at all. I only know what I would be feeling in such a situation, and we're usually pretty similar. Jennifer, I ache for you.

I have a list of trip-prep things to do today, so I guess I'd better get cracking. My Jennifer, we'll always have the ocean. It's where we came from, you know, and sometimes, I just want to go back.