National Coming Out Day
Oct. 11th, 2003 10:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorp(I used to date a boy whose birthday was on Coming Out Day. Jodie and I told him we would kiss for his birthday. We never did.)
It's National Coming Out Day, and this year I want to come out of the closet. I want to come out and say that relationships are hard for me. I want to come out and say that when I type in my journal, I tend to focus on the sunshine and fluffy bunnies, but in reality, I am having a difficult time. Watching my relationship with Jennifer progress has been a joy and a wonder, but it's also been a struggle.
About a month ago, I asked her to spend the rest of her life with me, or, well, as long as she can stand me. She accepted, and we went shopping and chose rings and basically got very giddy with anticipation. We were flooded with love and well-wishes and even a handmade card. Now, while the anticipation has subsided, the giddy remains. But so does the struggle.
(You'll have to excuse my distraction - said beloved just paused to kiss my ear, and well, yeah.)
My relationship is a struggle for me because I am emotionally distant. I hoarde my negative emotions and I don't want to share them with others. Sometimes, they decide not to play nice, and they explode out of me. It happens when I'm stressed. It happens when I'm tired. It happens when my blood sugar is low. This past week, it's happened every night. How many nights can I lash out in frustration, and watch her collapse, beside herself with concern for me? How many nights can I find some random thing to focus on, and use said thing to berate and destroy myself for the next hour? I banged my head against the wall last night. I've never done that before.
It's National Coming Out Day, and I'm coming out swinging. Society may be against us, and my government may be against us, and, hell, my own fucked up emotional state may be against us, but I'm for us, one hundred and seventeen percent. And maybe it's because I'm stubborn as hell, and maybe it's because I'm codependent, but maybe, just maybe it's because when the two of us combine into something bigger, it's an amazing and beautiful thing. Every day with her is a new creation, drawing on both the positives and the negatives of the day before. Yes, I banged my head against the wall last night, a prisoner of my own insecurities. But I rolled over this morning, kissed her cool, perfect shoulder, and welcomed another new day.
Happy National Coming Out Day, everyone. My relationship is difficult, and I am struggling with it. It's challenging. It's hard. It /hurts/. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I am a lesbian.
p.s. Default icon for the week courtesy of![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
strangedreams.
It's National Coming Out Day, and this year I want to come out of the closet. I want to come out and say that relationships are hard for me. I want to come out and say that when I type in my journal, I tend to focus on the sunshine and fluffy bunnies, but in reality, I am having a difficult time. Watching my relationship with Jennifer progress has been a joy and a wonder, but it's also been a struggle.
About a month ago, I asked her to spend the rest of her life with me, or, well, as long as she can stand me. She accepted, and we went shopping and chose rings and basically got very giddy with anticipation. We were flooded with love and well-wishes and even a handmade card. Now, while the anticipation has subsided, the giddy remains. But so does the struggle.
(You'll have to excuse my distraction - said beloved just paused to kiss my ear, and well, yeah.)
My relationship is a struggle for me because I am emotionally distant. I hoarde my negative emotions and I don't want to share them with others. Sometimes, they decide not to play nice, and they explode out of me. It happens when I'm stressed. It happens when I'm tired. It happens when my blood sugar is low. This past week, it's happened every night. How many nights can I lash out in frustration, and watch her collapse, beside herself with concern for me? How many nights can I find some random thing to focus on, and use said thing to berate and destroy myself for the next hour? I banged my head against the wall last night. I've never done that before.
It's National Coming Out Day, and I'm coming out swinging. Society may be against us, and my government may be against us, and, hell, my own fucked up emotional state may be against us, but I'm for us, one hundred and seventeen percent. And maybe it's because I'm stubborn as hell, and maybe it's because I'm codependent, but maybe, just maybe it's because when the two of us combine into something bigger, it's an amazing and beautiful thing. Every day with her is a new creation, drawing on both the positives and the negatives of the day before. Yes, I banged my head against the wall last night, a prisoner of my own insecurities. But I rolled over this morning, kissed her cool, perfect shoulder, and welcomed another new day.
Happy National Coming Out Day, everyone. My relationship is difficult, and I am struggling with it. It's challenging. It's hard. It /hurts/. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I am a lesbian.
p.s. Default icon for the week courtesy of
strangedreams.
