National Coming Out Day
Oct. 11th, 2003 10:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorp(I used to date a boy whose birthday was on Coming Out Day. Jodie and I told him we would kiss for his birthday. We never did.)
It's National Coming Out Day, and this year I want to come out of the closet. I want to come out and say that relationships are hard for me. I want to come out and say that when I type in my journal, I tend to focus on the sunshine and fluffy bunnies, but in reality, I am having a difficult time. Watching my relationship with Jennifer progress has been a joy and a wonder, but it's also been a struggle.
About a month ago, I asked her to spend the rest of her life with me, or, well, as long as she can stand me. She accepted, and we went shopping and chose rings and basically got very giddy with anticipation. We were flooded with love and well-wishes and even a handmade card. Now, while the anticipation has subsided, the giddy remains. But so does the struggle.
(You'll have to excuse my distraction - said beloved just paused to kiss my ear, and well, yeah.)
My relationship is a struggle for me because I am emotionally distant. I hoarde my negative emotions and I don't want to share them with others. Sometimes, they decide not to play nice, and they explode out of me. It happens when I'm stressed. It happens when I'm tired. It happens when my blood sugar is low. This past week, it's happened every night. How many nights can I lash out in frustration, and watch her collapse, beside herself with concern for me? How many nights can I find some random thing to focus on, and use said thing to berate and destroy myself for the next hour? I banged my head against the wall last night. I've never done that before.
It's National Coming Out Day, and I'm coming out swinging. Society may be against us, and my government may be against us, and, hell, my own fucked up emotional state may be against us, but I'm for us, one hundred and seventeen percent. And maybe it's because I'm stubborn as hell, and maybe it's because I'm codependent, but maybe, just maybe it's because when the two of us combine into something bigger, it's an amazing and beautiful thing. Every day with her is a new creation, drawing on both the positives and the negatives of the day before. Yes, I banged my head against the wall last night, a prisoner of my own insecurities. But I rolled over this morning, kissed her cool, perfect shoulder, and welcomed another new day.
Happy National Coming Out Day, everyone. My relationship is difficult, and I am struggling with it. It's challenging. It's hard. It /hurts/. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I am a lesbian.
p.s. Default icon for the week courtesy of![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
strangedreams.
It's National Coming Out Day, and this year I want to come out of the closet. I want to come out and say that relationships are hard for me. I want to come out and say that when I type in my journal, I tend to focus on the sunshine and fluffy bunnies, but in reality, I am having a difficult time. Watching my relationship with Jennifer progress has been a joy and a wonder, but it's also been a struggle.
About a month ago, I asked her to spend the rest of her life with me, or, well, as long as she can stand me. She accepted, and we went shopping and chose rings and basically got very giddy with anticipation. We were flooded with love and well-wishes and even a handmade card. Now, while the anticipation has subsided, the giddy remains. But so does the struggle.
(You'll have to excuse my distraction - said beloved just paused to kiss my ear, and well, yeah.)
My relationship is a struggle for me because I am emotionally distant. I hoarde my negative emotions and I don't want to share them with others. Sometimes, they decide not to play nice, and they explode out of me. It happens when I'm stressed. It happens when I'm tired. It happens when my blood sugar is low. This past week, it's happened every night. How many nights can I lash out in frustration, and watch her collapse, beside herself with concern for me? How many nights can I find some random thing to focus on, and use said thing to berate and destroy myself for the next hour? I banged my head against the wall last night. I've never done that before.
It's National Coming Out Day, and I'm coming out swinging. Society may be against us, and my government may be against us, and, hell, my own fucked up emotional state may be against us, but I'm for us, one hundred and seventeen percent. And maybe it's because I'm stubborn as hell, and maybe it's because I'm codependent, but maybe, just maybe it's because when the two of us combine into something bigger, it's an amazing and beautiful thing. Every day with her is a new creation, drawing on both the positives and the negatives of the day before. Yes, I banged my head against the wall last night, a prisoner of my own insecurities. But I rolled over this morning, kissed her cool, perfect shoulder, and welcomed another new day.
Happy National Coming Out Day, everyone. My relationship is difficult, and I am struggling with it. It's challenging. It's hard. It /hurts/. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I am a lesbian.
p.s. Default icon for the week courtesy of
strangedreams.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-10-11 07:42 am (UTC)Thanks for sharing that. Sometimes I worry that I'm the only one who is emotionally distant at times. It's hard getting over the past, but I firmly believe that it can be done with the right person. It sounds to me like Jennifer might be that very person for you. *hug* Try not to put so much pressure on yourself. It takes time to settle into a relationship. :-)
no subject
Date: 2003-10-11 09:31 am (UTC)I'm trying to relax, really I am. There's just been a whole lotta change in the past few months (apartment, job, engagement), and I'm not so great with big change.
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Date: 2003-10-11 07:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-11 09:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-11 08:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-11 09:31 am (UTC)I think of you and your new situation fairly often, so you know. You and M should meet us in Niagara Falls on the 25th.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-11 10:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-11 12:53 pm (UTC)We could have dinner, something low-key. Could be fun! (And we could totally psychoanalyze each other, ha!)
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Date: 2003-10-11 08:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-11 09:32 am (UTC)p.s. I think you and Carlos Carlos are adorable.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-11 09:51 am (UTC)you and jen are adorable too.
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Date: 2003-10-11 12:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-11 02:58 pm (UTC)What movie? When? She might tag along.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-11 04:30 pm (UTC)I can only hope that the next relationship I'm in, I am so honest and open about everything I'm feeling. It's not easy, it does hurt, but it's so worth it. Because you know that your Jennifer loves you, the real you, all of you.
And that's beautiful. Keep struggling, babe. It's beautiful to behold. I'll back you up every step of the way. *mwah*
no subject
Date: 2003-10-12 07:18 am (UTC)Sometimes, that's the first thing I forget. In the beginnings of our relationship, when we were arguing a lot and really just working ourselves up endlessly, my friend
I still have a hard time believing it's real, and genuine, when I'm beating myself up mentally. She's very good about reassuring and reminding me, though, and I am so grateful. I just hope I don't become tedious.
Thank you for your kind words. You're sweet to me.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-13 08:52 am (UTC)I know what you mean--my ex-girlfriend was the first person who really, truly loved me deeply. And it was so hard for me to accept, and I fought against it, and it was amazing that I could push away and she wouldn't leave. She'd just remind me that she loved me. It was quite a blessing.
I think eventually, once you're in the relationship long enough, you'll surrender that doubt. But maybe the first thing you need to do is give yourself as much love as Jennifer gives you. We're usually our own worst critics, so the more we can love ourselves, the more we can accept love from others. *mwah*
no subject
Date: 2003-10-11 06:15 pm (UTC)I am yours, you are mine...and I am not going anywhere.
Love.
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Date: 2003-10-12 07:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-11 10:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-12 07:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-11 07:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-12 05:27 am (UTC)