An open apology.

[judecorp]

So it's nearly 4:00pm and I am running out of things to amuse myself with. I read this big fat file that Coworker Sarah gave me, and I have been all over the internet looking for resources for children and families, and I have rearranged some stuff in my office, and I have made my calendar for the next two weeks. The rest of this week I'll be in CORE training, though, so while it will probably be hella boring, at least I have something concrete to do. (And it's required.)

There seems to be something going around, and it's not the flu. It seems like so many people that I know are going through rough times right now, and I am not immune. There are definitely specific things I can pinpoint that are stressing me out (the cat problem, the new job, etc.) but there is also a general feeling of discontentment or oversensitivity that is brewing just underneath the surface of everything that isn't easily traced back to some situation or event. I wonder if it's the change in seasons that is getting everyone (or me) down. I wonder if the funk will lift any time soon.

I know I have a difficult time in the autumn and winter, but it's not something that usually affects me until November (because October is always so packed with fun things to do!) or until it starts getting really cold and gloomy. If I had some sort of health insurance (hoo-rah for waiting periods), I would consider some kind of therapy, but really, all I want is someone objective I can hash things out with. Jennifer is a tremendous source of strength and comfort to me, but she is so tightly wrapped up in everything I do and feel that she can't really give me entirely unbiased feedback. (And, well, she's been really down and stressed out, too.)

I'm big enough and confident enough in myself to admit when I've screwed up and when things aren't right. So let this be an open apology to anyone who wants it for any overreaction or oversensitivity on my part in the last few weeks. I realize that it's there, I just haven't been able to figure out where it comes from or how to kick its ass. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm open to them.

There have been so many instances lately in LJ when people have said things like, "And I shouldn't complain because I have all of these good things..." blah blah blah. Well, I have a lot of good things, and my life is pretty effing good, but I'm still having a hard time right now, and haven't been feeling quite right. And that's okay. Because, well, that's just how it is. I think I need to just take some time away from a lot of external variables (read: other people) while I sort the internal crap out.

(p.s. Happy birthday yesterday to volumeat11, and today to mrmoe! And happy return-to-work yesterday to wasted_breath! And happy bridal shower last weekend to the lovely mermil! And happy SIMON & GARFUNKEL tomorrow to ME!)

Comments

[mermil.livejournal.com]

aww. thanks, baby gril.
And sort out what you need to sort out. Whenever I read your posts I always think that you are four billion times more social than I am, and that must get kind of exhausting, even if there aren't tensions floating around. Sometimes it's good to pause and think for a little bit.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I don't /feel/ excessively social, but then again, it's hard to judge your own life. Although maybe I am... after all, my schedule yesterday went something like this:

9-5 - work
5:30 - bike ride with Daina
7:30-10 - dinner with Bucky
10-11 - Law & Order with Peas and Sarah

Okay, maybe that IS overly social. But boy is it fun!

*hughug*

[laurajones.livejournal.com]

I'm feeling you on this one. Don't know that I have anything constructive or useful to say, but just that I'm there, too, and it sucks. Maybe there're, like, 30 full moons in a row...

laborlove

Re: *hughug*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, what is going on? EVERYONE is unhappy.

WORLDWIDE CIRCUS TIME!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_epiphany_girl_/]

I think I need to just take some time away from a lot of external variables (read: other people) while I sort the internal crap out.

Yay for cocoon phases. I'm so deep in one right now it's amazing I can get to work.

It's well worth it. You'll come out the other side. :) *hug*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I sure hope so! I would hate to be in a sticky icky cocoon forever!

[hope-persists.livejournal.com]

Hey doll. I can really relate. I always get down in the winter as well, but it also usually isn't until Nov or Dec. There have been some really cold temps here lately, but I don't know if that would do it. I'm not sure either, my mood has been pretty up and down and I'm not so happy about it. Good luck with your internal work. We are all rooting for you. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, the temps did get colder more quickly here, but then last weekend was so gorgeous and it's been pretty warm all week. *sigh* I wish I had an answer to all of life's mysteries.

So this past weekend we had company from Boston, and Jen told her we had considered relocating to Northampton. She was /so/ excited! (So you have votes in your favor.)

I hate doing internal work because I love going out! Aie!

[ae-osu.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean when you say that sometimes you have so many good things in your life, but you're still struggling with issues that cause you to feel as though they're closing in on you. I think that you can still appreciate your good fortune, but feel the effects of the rain as well. I am an extremely emotional person, sometimes I feel like crying for the weirdest reasons... While sometimes I can amuse myself for hours of enjoyment. I think that fall to winter transition can be hard on those of us that hate change. It symbolizes that dying off part and even though we know that the fresh rebirth is only months away, we're still experiencing what's happening right now. In a way I think it could be a time of growing in our lives, but that means change- and for those that like the security of consistancy we seek the shelter of a safe harbor. Hang in there Jude. It always seems as though you're listening and helping others... I hope that in turn people won't be so quick to show you what you've got to be happy for, but help you through it. I've read enough of your journal to know that you're eyes are wide open, both feet on the ground- hell, you probably see it more clearly than anyone. So- hang in there and know that you have a lot of people who look up to you and will help you through if you need. You can count on me as one of those people. *HUGS*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Amy. I appreciate what you say and your insight, even though I've only met you once. Which reminds me, I need to meet you again sometime. I think there is beer-owing out there. :)

hmmm...

[volumeat11.livejournal.com]

No apology needed. You're still pretty freakin' cool, no matter what mood your in or not in. I love you either way.

And thanks for the happy birthday!

So...how about that Powerball...and I STILL haven't written back, I know. As mentioned before, occasionally, I am a yammie.

More coffee now.

Re: hmmm...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Mmmmm, PowerBall. We need to buy tickets together again! (But this time, umm, we need to WIN.)

The three of us should all chip in and get one of those season tickets. HAR!