Vulnerability
Feb. 5th, 2004 12:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpI was reading ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
grrlpower's journal this morning, and she was waxing about relationships (as she is wont to do). I really wish I had more opportunities to talk with Andrea in person rather than online, because I don't feel like I express my thoughts correctly online and end up sounding like a rambling mess. One of the things I like about Andrea is that she spends a lot of energy on introspection and self-analysis, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart. In plainer language, "The girl makes me think."
We were typing back and forth about the difference between wanting a certain person and wanting /any/ person, and in my head that's a difference between wanting because you need, and needing because you want. Andrea (and her friends) stated that she had a problem with the idea of "need," and the resulting vulnerability. I realized while I was responding to her that my perceptions of need and vulnerability have changed considerably over the past several years.
There were so many downfalls in my previous serious relationship that it is impossible to say that one reason (or even one handful of reasons) was the mortal wound of the partnership. In truth, time and memory have hazed my perceptions of the relationship and the events so much that I'm not even sure if my self of three or four years ago would even agree with my self now about these reasons. I was so clouded with anger and self-deprecation and frustration and the phenomenon of being overwhelmed that my mindset was definitely skewed, but yet at the same time my current removal from the situation skews as well. Regardless, I'd say it is pretty fair to say that the fact that I did not allow myself to need my former partner even for a minute certainly did not help the (already doomed) relationship.
I've always prided myself on my independence and self-reliance. One of the reasons I think I was able to emerge from my childhood home fairly unscathed is that I was not emotionally dependent on my family members, who could be inconsistent at best and abusive at worst. I know I was in no emotional position as an adolescent to be vulnerable, and so I was not - I even kept my closest friendships at arm's length. I dated often, and shallowly - quick starts and stops, frequent breakups, a general devil-may-care attitude. There was always someone else. The attention was more important than the giver.
I met my ex-husband during this period, and it shows. I wasn't really ready to invest so much energy into a partner. I was just starting to learn how to give so much to a friend. Before my ex-husband, I loved three people: my best friend in early high school, my best friend in late high school, and my college roommate. With Jodie (the college roommate), I felt those first twinges of need - that first realization that I would do nearly anything to resolve a conflict because the total picture was worth significantly more than any incident or experience. It never struck me, though, that this was a relationship-building tool because, well, she was my college roommate, not my life partner, right? (Little did I know that Jodie was my Lesbian Training Ground, though we were never involved romantically.)
I had no reason to need A. because everything else was in place. We were dating long-distance and saw each other rarely. Visits were vacations, not life-builders. I didn't need him because I had everything I needed (namely myself) with me all the time. Distance allowed our relationship to become more serious when it shouldn't have, and when distance was gone and the relationship soured, it was external pressure that kept it standing. I am not proud of this, but I am honest.
It was so easy for both of us to walk away from each other and start over again because there was no vulnerability - the ultimate pull. I liked it that way because let's face it: vulnerability is uncomfortable and lessens our control. We all like control. I am no exception, a self-diagnosed Control Freak (and proud of it!) who learned to ease my angst not by controlling food, or calories, or cuts, but emotions.
I look around today and things have changed. I Am Vulnerable. And yes, that still frightens me to the core of my Control Freaky heart, but I have learned to cope with this fear because the benefits outweigh the discomforts in much the same way that I deal with the annoyances of my job because the thought of living without a paycheck is unacceptable.
Wow, I just compared my partner to a paycheck. Move along. You didn't see that. No, really. Look, a bear!!
Yes, I could live without Jennifer. If she did not wake up with me tomorrow morning I would still know how to get up, take a shower, and go to work. I would still remember my friends' phone numbers, I would still eat at restaurants I can't always afford, I would still plan to move away from Ohio, and I would still smile at my coworkers. I would settle into my own routines of yore, of this I have no doubt. My life would not resemble the songs of those chroniclers of codependence, Chicago. I don't wanna love nobody else. I don't wanna find somebody new. I don't wanna live without your love. I just wanna live my life with yoooooooooou.
Yes, I could live without Jennifer. But I don't /want/ to. I know that I have made some changes in myself since we got involved, and I know there have been some adjustments to my personality (especially since we got serious), but I don't feel like I've "lost myself" or "become her" or that I'm in some way losing my independence or self-reliance. Her presence in my life has forced me to go out of my comfort zone in places, and I have adjusted accordingly. Her presence in my life has created new time commitments, and I have adjusted accordingly. Her presence in my life has opened me up to vulnerability... and I have adjusted accordingly.
Vulnerability has taught me, yet again, that I am willing to gloss over individual incidents for the larger picture. It has taught me that tears today don't mean suitcases tomorrow, or even that tears today don't mean sadness tomorrow. It has taught me that maybe the effortless walk-away isn't the healthiest of mental states, even though it may be more painless. It means that sometimes I freak out about stuff, and the Emotional Control Freak in me HATES it, and in an hour or so it remembers that opening the spectrum means I get to freak out on the /good/ side, too. And that's pretty amazing.
I learned vulnerability from Jodie, and I've never lost it. And that's a damned good thing, because in a few years I want to embark on the ultimate of vulnerabilities: parenting.
So I guess it's good that I'm accepting it now.
grrlpower's journal this morning, and she was waxing about relationships (as she is wont to do). I really wish I had more opportunities to talk with Andrea in person rather than online, because I don't feel like I express my thoughts correctly online and end up sounding like a rambling mess. One of the things I like about Andrea is that she spends a lot of energy on introspection and self-analysis, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart. In plainer language, "The girl makes me think."We were typing back and forth about the difference between wanting a certain person and wanting /any/ person, and in my head that's a difference between wanting because you need, and needing because you want. Andrea (and her friends) stated that she had a problem with the idea of "need," and the resulting vulnerability. I realized while I was responding to her that my perceptions of need and vulnerability have changed considerably over the past several years.
There were so many downfalls in my previous serious relationship that it is impossible to say that one reason (or even one handful of reasons) was the mortal wound of the partnership. In truth, time and memory have hazed my perceptions of the relationship and the events so much that I'm not even sure if my self of three or four years ago would even agree with my self now about these reasons. I was so clouded with anger and self-deprecation and frustration and the phenomenon of being overwhelmed that my mindset was definitely skewed, but yet at the same time my current removal from the situation skews as well. Regardless, I'd say it is pretty fair to say that the fact that I did not allow myself to need my former partner even for a minute certainly did not help the (already doomed) relationship.
I've always prided myself on my independence and self-reliance. One of the reasons I think I was able to emerge from my childhood home fairly unscathed is that I was not emotionally dependent on my family members, who could be inconsistent at best and abusive at worst. I know I was in no emotional position as an adolescent to be vulnerable, and so I was not - I even kept my closest friendships at arm's length. I dated often, and shallowly - quick starts and stops, frequent breakups, a general devil-may-care attitude. There was always someone else. The attention was more important than the giver.
I met my ex-husband during this period, and it shows. I wasn't really ready to invest so much energy into a partner. I was just starting to learn how to give so much to a friend. Before my ex-husband, I loved three people: my best friend in early high school, my best friend in late high school, and my college roommate. With Jodie (the college roommate), I felt those first twinges of need - that first realization that I would do nearly anything to resolve a conflict because the total picture was worth significantly more than any incident or experience. It never struck me, though, that this was a relationship-building tool because, well, she was my college roommate, not my life partner, right? (Little did I know that Jodie was my Lesbian Training Ground, though we were never involved romantically.)
I had no reason to need A. because everything else was in place. We were dating long-distance and saw each other rarely. Visits were vacations, not life-builders. I didn't need him because I had everything I needed (namely myself) with me all the time. Distance allowed our relationship to become more serious when it shouldn't have, and when distance was gone and the relationship soured, it was external pressure that kept it standing. I am not proud of this, but I am honest.
It was so easy for both of us to walk away from each other and start over again because there was no vulnerability - the ultimate pull. I liked it that way because let's face it: vulnerability is uncomfortable and lessens our control. We all like control. I am no exception, a self-diagnosed Control Freak (and proud of it!) who learned to ease my angst not by controlling food, or calories, or cuts, but emotions.
I look around today and things have changed. I Am Vulnerable. And yes, that still frightens me to the core of my Control Freaky heart, but I have learned to cope with this fear because the benefits outweigh the discomforts in much the same way that I deal with the annoyances of my job because the thought of living without a paycheck is unacceptable.
Wow, I just compared my partner to a paycheck. Move along. You didn't see that. No, really. Look, a bear!!
Yes, I could live without Jennifer. If she did not wake up with me tomorrow morning I would still know how to get up, take a shower, and go to work. I would still remember my friends' phone numbers, I would still eat at restaurants I can't always afford, I would still plan to move away from Ohio, and I would still smile at my coworkers. I would settle into my own routines of yore, of this I have no doubt. My life would not resemble the songs of those chroniclers of codependence, Chicago. I don't wanna love nobody else. I don't wanna find somebody new. I don't wanna live without your love. I just wanna live my life with yoooooooooou.
Yes, I could live without Jennifer. But I don't /want/ to. I know that I have made some changes in myself since we got involved, and I know there have been some adjustments to my personality (especially since we got serious), but I don't feel like I've "lost myself" or "become her" or that I'm in some way losing my independence or self-reliance. Her presence in my life has forced me to go out of my comfort zone in places, and I have adjusted accordingly. Her presence in my life has created new time commitments, and I have adjusted accordingly. Her presence in my life has opened me up to vulnerability... and I have adjusted accordingly.
Vulnerability has taught me, yet again, that I am willing to gloss over individual incidents for the larger picture. It has taught me that tears today don't mean suitcases tomorrow, or even that tears today don't mean sadness tomorrow. It has taught me that maybe the effortless walk-away isn't the healthiest of mental states, even though it may be more painless. It means that sometimes I freak out about stuff, and the Emotional Control Freak in me HATES it, and in an hour or so it remembers that opening the spectrum means I get to freak out on the /good/ side, too. And that's pretty amazing.
I learned vulnerability from Jodie, and I've never lost it. And that's a damned good thing, because in a few years I want to embark on the ultimate of vulnerabilities: parenting.
So I guess it's good that I'm accepting it now.
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no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 06:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 06:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 06:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 06:31 pm (UTC)WOMEN GOOD, MEN BAD
no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 06:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 10:10 pm (UTC)I know that you and I have gone around about this more than once. For me, it's not a problem that you want to "do your part" or "do nice things for your partner," it's that it's always been presented like you want to do these things /for women/. It's as if you want to do these things not because they're nice, courteous things, but because they're things that should be done because the recipient is a woman.
That, I have a problem with. :) But you know that.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 10:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 06:34 pm (UTC)...wow. I've been wondering if that was not the exact thing that happened to me.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 06:54 pm (UTC)You spend the whole weekend devoting all of your time together. You go out to eat a lot and see pretty sights, and blow off your other obligations because this is an infrequent occurance.
A weekend in a live-in relationship often looks like this:
You spend the weekend running errands and doing chores that you can't do during the week. You try to catch coffee with your friend and to see that movie you've wanted to see. You try to squeeze some alone-time in with your smoochie, and sleep in while you're at it. You mean to have sex in the morning, but you have to get to the post office before it closes.
It's /so/ different. LDR weekends are usually stress-free because they're very vacation... and I don't know about you, but my weekends bring their own stresses now because I'm trying to play "catch up." When two people live in the same house, all of that "separate time" feeling goes right out the window. It's a huge change.
I'm not saying it can't be done, I'm just saying it's REALLY hard. And with LDRs, you can have been dating for a year, but only spent about 3 weeks total together. So you have the pressure of "we've been dating a year, so we should be moving forward" coupled with the reality of having limited time/experience with each other.
I guess what all this rambling means is that there is no shame in your situation, you haven't done anything wrong, and circumstance ran away with you guys. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but it means that peace with the situation will come in the future.
And it means I love you.
Re:
Date: 2004-02-05 08:24 pm (UTC)<3 right back atcha.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 10:02 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2004-02-06 05:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-08 12:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 07:07 pm (UTC)Word.
I like your style.
Screw psychotherapy.
If you played Euchre you could come and win prizes tonight. Afton was just saying to me lastnight that he'd like to show off his super-stealth moves to you.
...that and he wondered if Jen'd give him a treat.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 08:20 pm (UTC)What I'm wondering is, though, if AFTON is wondering these things, why is GREYSON's butt delivering the message?
Re:
Date: 2004-02-05 09:30 pm (UTC)Greysen, however....that girl will show her bum off to whoever'll look!
It's like....well....boobs. Mine are free...Sarah's are shy. Heh. Bad example.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-08 01:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 07:31 pm (UTC)b) I think my major fear of the idea of 'need' is related to 'what happens if I lose it'. I needed Tara, she was my entire life here. I did that willingly, and then it was gone. And I was devastated -- hell, the repercussions are still welling up years later. I know that I don't TRULY need anyone else (as you said, you could wake up, shower, get to work without Jennifer there), but I am afraid to lull myself into thinking that I do, ya know? Because I think once I tell myself I need something, I devote too much energy into keeping it and become run by the fear I'll lose it.
Hmmm, that seems very Bowling for Columbine - the idea that America is run on fear, the fear of losing what we want.. maybe I AM becomin Amurrican!!
no subject
Date: 2004-02-08 01:02 am (UTC)b) Don't worry, I'll never think of you as American, no matter how much you buy in to The Fear.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 07:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 08:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 08:35 pm (UTC)So ...like....don't go anywhere, okay? Because I need you so I can stay as happy as I do.....and look forward to the future....and to giggle over stuff.....
Oh...and I may have fees but I am not taxed....yet.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-05 10:00 pm (UTC)(Kidding, of course.)
Which reminds me, I need to transfer my money over.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-06 04:26 am (UTC)But good.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-08 12:57 am (UTC)