Her life, in a nutshell.
Apr. 18th, 2004 07:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpWhen I was younger, I was always the person to whom everyone brought their problems. I don't think I was any better than anyone else at listening or giving advice, but I guess I was just approachable. I would sit at the lunch table and it was almost like people would seek me out to dump their woes on me. Most of the time I was more than happy to listen and offer support and suggestions. I liked feeling trustworthy and helpful. And I do like helping people - heck, I wouldn't be a social worker otherwise.
I remember that a lot of the people who brought their problems to me would comment about how lucky or fortunate or weird I was, because I didn't have any problems of my own. I know that it's human nature to assume that other people's lives are better/happier/less chaotic than our own, but I found it completely baffling that said people, who I'd assumed to be my friends, would honestly believe that my life was without flaw or incident.
It wasn't until later that I realized that it was easy for them to think this way about me because I didn't have a me for me - I didn't have that person that I could dump my woes on, that I could cry to, that I could ask for advice. It wasn't that these people weren't in front of me having conversations with me, it's that all of the conversations were about them and their issues, unless usurped by banalities of daily life. Somehow, there wasn't time for any difficulty I had to offer, or there was no drive to probe into my mental state. It really got me down, having people drop their books noisily in front of me with the exasperated sigh of, "You are not going to believe how much my life sucks," over and over again without a simple, "How are you?" It was easy for people to see my life as perfect when they never asked me how it really was.
Later, as I grew slightly older and perhaps a little more forceful about my needs, I started inflicting my life and my challenges on other people. I was more demonstrative about my feelings or what I actually thought about things in my life, whether directly asked or not. Most of the time, this ended poorly. I found that the only times I got into difficult situations with family members were those times when I was unhappy with something going on and made that unhappiness known. I'd learned that if I just keep those things that bother me, scare me, or otherwise upset me to myself, I don't have incidents with anyone.
I just wish I could learn, and learn for good, that said situation is not going to change, regardless of time passed.
I remember that a lot of the people who brought their problems to me would comment about how lucky or fortunate or weird I was, because I didn't have any problems of my own. I know that it's human nature to assume that other people's lives are better/happier/less chaotic than our own, but I found it completely baffling that said people, who I'd assumed to be my friends, would honestly believe that my life was without flaw or incident.
It wasn't until later that I realized that it was easy for them to think this way about me because I didn't have a me for me - I didn't have that person that I could dump my woes on, that I could cry to, that I could ask for advice. It wasn't that these people weren't in front of me having conversations with me, it's that all of the conversations were about them and their issues, unless usurped by banalities of daily life. Somehow, there wasn't time for any difficulty I had to offer, or there was no drive to probe into my mental state. It really got me down, having people drop their books noisily in front of me with the exasperated sigh of, "You are not going to believe how much my life sucks," over and over again without a simple, "How are you?" It was easy for people to see my life as perfect when they never asked me how it really was.
Later, as I grew slightly older and perhaps a little more forceful about my needs, I started inflicting my life and my challenges on other people. I was more demonstrative about my feelings or what I actually thought about things in my life, whether directly asked or not. Most of the time, this ended poorly. I found that the only times I got into difficult situations with family members were those times when I was unhappy with something going on and made that unhappiness known. I'd learned that if I just keep those things that bother me, scare me, or otherwise upset me to myself, I don't have incidents with anyone.
I just wish I could learn, and learn for good, that said situation is not going to change, regardless of time passed.
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-18 11:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 01:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-18 11:26 pm (UTC)but seriously, i know where you're coming from and I have two ears if you need them, especially after you're a touch more local. We'll go out to dinner (mmm, crepes) and you can bitch and rant to your heart's delight.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 01:15 am (UTC)Like, I would /love/ to go eat some crepes with you, but then my head says, "Yeah, but Pru's got some tough stuff going on right now," and that's how I get stuck.
Augh.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 02:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 02:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 03:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 09:36 pm (UTC)who, me?
Date: 2004-04-20 02:30 am (UTC)Re: who, me?
Date: 2004-04-20 02:46 am (UTC)Re: who, me?
Date: 2004-04-20 04:44 am (UTC)Re: who, me?
Date: 2004-04-21 12:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 03:59 am (UTC)Of course, there's the chance that it hasn't changed because of something essential in you that needs to evolve before you get past it (I mean, look at how over a decade of dating in front of this audience I've picked men I can't actually trust. *Something* has to be working its way out there).
Very few of us have anyone in our lives who we can actually talk to (hence the selection from the song that I chose up there). You're really very lucky to have a partner who seems so well matched to you...and who can, hopefully, provide you with that tenderness.
The blank fact of it is that almost no one in the world has someone who they can unload on. I don't, actually, which is why so many of my core dumps wind up on LJ, where people might at least be interested in it for the drama factor. It's not fair of life and people to take advantage of the fact you *can* listen without providing a you for you.
At the same time, most people, from what I've seen, live without either being someone people can turn to or turning to anyone.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 09:44 pm (UTC)You're certainly right about that.
I'm almost positive that there is definitely something about my actions or my personality that leaves me lacking in the "dump-ee" capacity. I suppose it's because I tend to minimize issues until they get to be too big for me, and then I overreact and things seem so much worse than they are. And then I know this, so I don't want to tell people, because I convince myself "it's no big deal."
Basically, I'm a neurotic mess.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 02:39 pm (UTC)no subject
no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 08:21 pm (UTC)yeah it's expensive... but join that community. there are lots of apt postings there...
no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 09:37 pm (UTC)Thanks! :)