A storm is brewing above me, in my head

[judecorp]

Procrastination has always been a friend of mine. In truth, procrastinaction (and its close cousin, laziness) is the reason I have two Master's degrees, rather than one Doctorate. It would not be terribly difficult for me to obtain a PhD, I don't think. In fact, most people tend to say it would likely be handed to me easily. I slide through school like a knife through butter on a warm day. The simple fact of the situation is that I am too lazy to earn a Doctorate, too slack to complete a dissertation.

I try to sound self-assured and smugly state, "I know my limits." Do I? Or have I imposed these limits on myself? Am I covering something bigger, something deeper? Doubtful. I know in my mind that I could complete a dissertation as surely as I know that I don't want to. There's something largely academic about such endeavors, too academic for my tastes. Plus, I cannot possibly afford to ever attend school again. Surely I could become funded and have my scholarly pasttime covered, but could I survive outside of school? I have joined forces with a wonderful person who carries considerable debt. My years of making do on $600 a month are long since over. Have I become materialistic? I think, instead, I've grown loftier goals of partnership, family, personal legacy. And so it goes.

Another evening in front of the computer, another screenful of job postings, another zap of another resume. Phone calls have trickled to nothing as the number of listings has tightened. I imagine a bottleneck of lofty academic graduates, mortar boards in one hand and cover letters in the other. Can I compete with their youthful optimism, their career track, their rosy cheeks?

Cynicism they shall call me as I stand on the precipice of employment. Hire me, ye rascals of administration. Hear my cries of forward thinking. For soon I shall have a marriage license and shiny, hardwood floors. Certainly that counts for something.

Comments

[vorpalbla.livejournal.com]

"The simple fact of the situation is that I am too lazy to earn a Doctorate, too slack to complete a dissertation."

Know what you're talking about...I've joked that if I ever tried to work on a PhD, I'd end up putting off my thesis for an all-nighter.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Amen to that. When I got my M.Ed. I did this big independent study-type project that ended up being a book of about 100 pages. I got to the point in my procrastination that I actually had to start saying things like, "Okay, if I just do 18 pages a day, I'll get done on time."

Ugh. Never again.

[calledmara.livejournal.com]

Double MAs 4EvA!!!!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Girls with two Master's degrees are extra saucy!

[oxlahun.livejournal.com]

Yes. Stay away from PhD programs. If you're not 137% committed, you'll die a miserable flaming death. I, too, am trying to get over my chronic procrastination. Turns out going to school again isn't necessarily the cure for that. But I figure I'll beat it eventually. Or at least fake it long enough.

On the other hand, if you got it, you could say things like "Trust me; I'm a doctor." And you must admit, Dr Jude sounds pretty cool. You could have your own social work television show and be rich and famous.

As for job hunting, well, you've got experience, and all those doe-eyed recent grads have is a funny square hat and some volunteer time. In the end, old age and treachery will always win out over youth and vigor. :)

[jadefu.livejournal.com]

Of course, if you don't get this degree, I'll just have to kill you. How's that for loving motivation? :) *smooch*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

"They call me Dr. Jude. Good morning, how are you, I'm Dr. Jude. I'm interested in things. I'm not a real doctor but I am a real Jude, I am an actual Jude. I live like a Jude, and I like to play the drums. I think I'm getting good but I can handle criticism. I'll show you what I know and you can tell me if you think I'm getting better on the drums."

[oxlahun.livejournal.com]

I'll leave the front unlocked 'cause I can't hear the doorbell. When I get into it I can't tell if you are watching me twirling the stick. When I give the signal, my friend Rabbi fish will play the solo.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I love foldedfish!

[biophile6.livejournal.com]

There is of course a lower limit to who can get the degree. If you cant understand, you cant do it. But of course, the top 5-10% of everyone is capable of it, and frankly thats a lot of people. If you're in this group (and I know you are) the only thing that *does* matter is discipline.

Can you live poorly? Will you be able to support yourself psychologically? Do you bounce back after countless repeated assaults on your competence by bullshit professors who have to protect their own turf? Do you have problems with alcohol, or a social support system?

I couldnt beleive how many intangiobles there were. The emotional burden was unbeleivable, it had nothing to do with my intellect, in fact in many ways I became much much more of an idiot. My general life force is degraded as a result.

Good luck deciding.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh, I've already decided. Otherwise I would have gone to Law School by now. :)

I just don't think I can, in good conscience, take that sort of plunge again. I don't want to be one of those people who goes to school after school, program after program, searching for something they will never find. I know that's what it will be for me.

I'm an idealist. I like the idea that somewhere out there is a job perfect for me, and if I just work long enough and hard enough, I will find it and keep it and it will be great.

I just have to get there first. :)

[smurfbrother.livejournal.com]

I guess I had a very different grad school experience than the folks who portray phd programs as these soul-wrenching, esteem-destroying experiences. Generally, I found it pretty entertaining. However, I think it is true that the dissertation, even when going well, is often remarkably unpleasant. A few female friends have, in seriousness, likened writing one to giving birth.

But that's not what's important. The important thing is that not only can you compete, you can Compete. You have impeccable academic credentials, the same ones as all these new grads, so big deal. You have the one quality that can't be taught in school - experience. Ask anyone who hires what's important, and it's experience.

You've helped homeless people take tentative steps toward more successful lives. You've looked after the well-being of far too many at-risk or in crisis kids down in tha streets of Klumbis.

So yeah, job hunting sucks, but you've got what people want. It's too bad there're far too few people who can hire you, but you're way employable.

Word.

[oxlahun.livejournal.com]

Yeah. What he said.

I still stand by my assertion that you shouldn't attempt a PhD unless you're committed to getting it. But if (or when) you are committed—if you have motive and desire—I have no doubt that you could do it. Then it'd be my turn to get out the tar and pennies.

Experiences vary by department, even within the same field. I picked a well-respected college that's now working hard to maintain its reputation as faculty retire and more schools compete for grants, etc., so my own sense of the intellectual drain may not be typical (especially in a different field). Also, Drexel's on quarters instead of semesters, so everything feels more hectic than most people experience.

I had always considered a PhD a long-term career goal: I'd go do some time working in the industry, then eventually get the degree and settle into a faculty job somewhere. When I had the opportunity to teach, as I was figuring out that I was tired of being a one-man department, I enjoyed it so much I needed, emotionally, to do whatever was necessary to make a career of it. So that's what I'm doing. I have a reason to be here, and an ultimate goal, and I enjoy the challenge so much I don't even really need the death threats from jadefu to keep going. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I have no doubt that I /could/ complete a PhD program, I just have a lot of doubts that I /want/ to. Some people are cut out for such endeavors and some aren't. Personally, I find academia fairly boring, and can't understand how people like you or my smurfbrother want to make a career out of it. I would feel like I wasn't /doing/ anything.

But I guess that's what makes me a crazy social worker. ;)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

So yeah, job hunting sucks, but you've got what people want. It's too bad there're far too few people who can hire you, but you're way employable.

Hey, thanks. This means a lot to me.

[fukumen.livejournal.com]

Being that I'm pretty much going down the same road as you, my thoughts on this are pretty fresh too.

As I wrap up this MA, only to scramble towards an MSW, there was definitely a turning point of 'to PhD or not to Phd.' Specifically, it was last year. I went to a few open houses. I won't bore you with the details, but it was pretty clear when I'd left that I wasn't going to be pursuing a PhD.

At first, I went through the (probably typical) gamut of self-loathing. I have nothing in common with all these kids fresh out of their BAs ready to spend the next 6 years of their life in a library- and forget about where money is going to come from when you've got a 12-hour or so daily committment to this monster. Let alone being the upper %0.000000001 that all these colleges proudly announced as their threshold. I went from, 'I'm stupid' to 'I'm just lazy' to 'I've fucked up my life.' None of these were terribly encouraging.

But then again, in the last year now, I've been asking all my colleagues who are continuing on from the MA into the doctoral program 'why?' Want to know the most common answers?

1) "I don't know what I want to do yet."
2) "I'm staying away from real life a little longer."

If there are two things that don't apply to me more than that, I've never heard them. I'm not ready to devote my life to academia. I'm devoting it to the real world. I like the world and the people in it. I have plenty of respect for researchers and professors and people who publish regularly in peer-reviewed journals. They're the only reason the body of human scientific knowledge expands and increases with any degree of integrity and advancement of human aims.
I'm just not one of them. With all due respect to my education, which I value most highly, I've learned more pertinent things to the direct practice of my field on the streets or on any job I've ever held. I simply have a different path. Different, but not lesser. And I'm quite sure there's a place for it somewhere.

Maybe you can draw some confidence from feeling the same way, because I think you and I are pretty similar in that respect.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you for writing this out. Your thought processes echo mine in some respects and enhance and build on them in others. I feel your fury at people who find that school is an easy alternative to 'doing something' or functioning in the 'real world.' I can't help but feel a little satisfaction that you're embarking on an MSW track. I think you will be amazing, my dear!

Personally, I can't justify returning to school just because I haven't found the right job. It just seems like the wrong reason to put myself and my loved ones in precarious financial circumstances, when there's still a vast array of Real World experience out there that I haven't tapped into.

Best of luck to both of us.