I know it must be raining, 'cause a man ain't supposed to cry.

[judecorp]

This has been an emotional end to an emotional week. At least, I hope it's the end. Of the emotions, not the week; the week can progress to Saturday as planned, Saturday being Pride and all, and the forecast is for 70s and sunny. Perfect. No, it's the emo brokenness with which I've lived this week that can stop at any time, though now would be best, I'd say. For everyone.

On the side of TEH GOOD, I got to meet folkyboy last night. He offered to save me from my boredom with a quick jaunt to Reveah Beach, which was educational if nothing else. The temperature on the shore was easily ten degrees cooler than my apartment, and there was a nice briny breeze (when you weren't catching wafts of pot smoke). We dipped our toes in the frigid Atlantic and he graciously answered a billion personal questions, as is my usual. I took his photo on the sand in the dark, but I can't find my camera upload cable right now, so he'll have to suffer. HA!

Also on this side of yay, Jennifer and I spent the evening sharing a lovely grilled dinner with Ms. Shani and her Matty Jean, and also Ms. Dory. Dinner was delicious without being too heavy, and I got to eat a lot of grilled peppers, because I am apparently the only person in Somerville who eats such things. Yum. Peppers aside, the food was good and the company was delicious. Thanks!

It's no secret that I handle personal stress about as well as I handle tightrope walking - not that I've tried or anything, but I have a pretty vivid imagination. The funny thing is that I am totally competent at handling other people's personal stress just fine; in fact, I'd say that crisis intervention is one of my strengths as a social worker. When in doubt, I can always whip out my favorite work motto: Lack of preparation on your part does /not/ constitute an emergency on my part.

But personal stress, yes, that's something else. I am an admitted pain in the ass about my personal crises, because not only do I work myself up to the fatalistic 'everything will turn out terrible' end of the spectrum, but I am also largely unconsolable. This isn't as terrible as it sounds only because left to my own devices, I will calm down in under 20 minutes. But in that 20 minutes? Yeah, not my finest third-of-an-hour.

During the course of the week, after a billion resumes, a couple of phone and in-person interviews, and a lot of bad feelings, I've started to become more and more concerned about the job scenario. Which means that I've been worrying hard core about my least favorite thing ever: money (or lack thereof). It doesn't help that we slapped down $400 at the insurance agent this afternoon (20 percent), or that tomorrow morning we've got to trek to the RMV for title and registration and (I believe) a hefty excise tax bill. This is followed by a trip to the neighborhood garage for a state inspection. Being the prudent kids we are, we figured we should change our licenses over tomorrow as well, because really, who wants to make multiple trips to the RMV? That's when a little research showed that transfer of out-of-state licenses costs $90. Each.

For those keeping score at home, that's $400 to the insurance agent, $50 for the title, $30 for the plates, $200ish for the excise tax (probably), and $180 for licenses. That's gotta be the quickest and least fun $1000 ever. (And you're still wondering why I was so insistent on selling my car /before/ we moved?)

I don't usually talk about money in my journal, because a) I'm private as hell about money, and b) it's no one's damned business how much money we have, but I'll say this: we made a quick budget today and it looks like if we scrimp, we can get by with needing $4000/month for bills and expenses. And then I will say this: if we don't get some sort of income soon, we're going to blow through our moving savings /and/ the money I got for my car (which was not supposed to be touched).

So yeah, I'm having some stress. Enough to start sending my resume to temp agencies, even though temp assignments would definitely limit my ability to be available for phone/person interviews at any time. Enough to snap at Jennifer so often that, "I'm sorry," is becoming a permanent fixture in her vocabulary, something that breaks my heart. Enough to wonder if we made the right decision coming now, so soon, somewhat unprepared.

And then there's the more personal, less money-blah-blah side of things. I miss people. I miss Daina being able to drop by because she lives down the street. I miss Steve's motorcycle rides. I miss Pete across the street at Cafe Corner, and Coworker Sarah stopping by while walking her dog, and catching Patti and Fisher when I ducked out of a home visit early, and going to the circus with Carina and Scott and the twins. I'll never see Grendelina again. I miss having Peas and Sarah nearby, even if we didn't see them much, and I'll miss Rebecca and Kyle's impromptu parties. Saturday is Pride, and it won't be like Columbus at all - I won't know hardly anyone, because I don't volunteer and I don't work in the community and I don't know many queer people and it will be SO WEIRD, because Pride was like big Columbus Rock Stardom for me - I knew everyone. I miss Patty and Phoenix Pride and Kaleidoscope and Bucky, and I won't see Hopey or Velma or Robbie or Andrea or Tara or anyone. I've got little fish in big pond syndrome. It's quite the adjustment.

But it's so surreal because it's /not/ that I don't have friends here, because I do - good ones, long-term ones. But I feel like they don't know me /now/, they know me /then/. And I wish they knew Jude2.0, because personally, I like Jude2.0 better and besides, that was a long time ago. It's so weird to see old friends and be called 'Judie' all the time, because when I think of 'Judie' I think of a 23 year old girl who got married to the wrong person for the wrong reasons but with the best intentions. And I feel young and foolish and unsure and sad. That's no one's fault but mine.

So I've been quite melodramatic, quite hermit-like, and downright blues-y for a couple of days. Which really sucks. Because there are so many good things here, so many possibilities and opportunities, so much to do and see, so many old friends and family members, such /potential/ and I feel like I'm squandering it away with my emo-ness. And then I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on myself to jump right into things, so I beat myself up for /that/. Basically, I'm a grumpy mess.

But Friday night is the Dyke March, and Saturday is Pride, and Sunday I think I'm going to get to play with lorac if that's still on. And maybe in between I can put My Best Girl in the car and drive her to Wollaston so she can play in the ocean, because damn it, we fell in love by the ocean on the Cape and I want to fall in love again.

Comments

[hope-persists.livejournal.com]

moving is so hard sweetie. i think before you know it, you'll have a million friends, and people stopping by, and be OMG TEH ROCKSTAR again. it takes time to adjust, but i bet when people meet Jude 2.0, they will realize that they have the new fancyshmancy advanced model, and love you to bits. The right job will come through for you, too.

now i go into super-cheese-overload mode. lol I really believe that the universe puts things in our path and leads us places so that we can learn and do the next thing we are meant to. so sometimes when i have some of that insecurity happening for me that seems to be running in your veins right now, I sit down and say something along the lines of telling the universe i am willing and ready for the next challenge, and to lead me where it wants me to be. I'm sure it doesn't make a damn bit of difference to the universe to hear me say that, but it sure helps me settle down in my own head. < /cheesiness >

I know you'll be ok. I have faith in you, and I have faith in the world to bring you the good things you deserve.

[oxlahun.livejournal.com]

Jud[i]e, if you were the spiritual sort, I would remind you of the Richard Bach (IIRC) quote that God knows exactly how big your shoulders are, and will never give you anything you can't handle. Of course, Mr Bach followed that up with "I just wish He didn't trust me so much". Instead, I'll just let that hang as corroboration for the post above. :)

Also, if you'd won the lottery and come to visit me, like I suggested, not only would you be less worried about money, you'd be drunk off your ass. You really should look into this "winning the lottery" thing. It would make you feel a whole lot better. Another quote, this time from a Weird Al song: "If money can't buy happiness, I guess I'll have to rent it."

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You know, the lottery thing would be /so/ much easier if, you know, I bought lottery tickets. =P

I agree that winning the lottery would be the solution to everything! It would be perfect! And I think we totally deserve it! So why are they not knocking on my door /right/ /now/?

And yes, it definitely sounds Richard Bach-ish, probably from Illusions. That was the book where the guy found a book that he was supposed to just open up to random pages and find the truth(s) in the words, right?

And I am the spiritual sort. Though everyone seems to think I'm not. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know that in the end I (and we) will come out on top. I know this with all of my heart but yet I am human, too. And in those human moments, I succumb to stress and insecurity and concern. I think that it's easier (for me) to only show the superhero side of me but I do try to keep my journal fairly balanced and avoid the "performance art" tendencies, because in the end it's I who wants to look back on past entries and see where I've been.

I don't know that I'll ever be OMG TEH ROCKSTAR again, actually, and I really do think that's something that I not only have to get used to, but that I'm /supposed/ to get used to. I think that Rock Stardom was something that came about in a certain location at a certain time in my life, and I think that time has passed. It's like being high school homecoming king and then going off to college and starting from scratch. I think that my time in Columbus helped me through an important part of life and what could have been a really time exploded into something really powerful. But, as Jackson Browne says, "All good things gotta come to an end. The thrills have to fade 'fore they come 'round again."

Most of the time, in my most clear moments, I can sit down and speak to the Universe in the way that you describe and draw the peace that comes back. But then there are the times when I, like Veruca Salt, want it /now/.

:)

[folkyboy.livejournal.com]

i agree with most of this :) Jude, you have an awesome personality so i know you'll be getting a buttload of friends down the line. we spoke quite a bit about this on the beach in fact. :) we're the best people we know! hahaha

good things come to those who wait

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know we just discussed this, heh, I often ruminate on things for a while before I write them down. HA! Now you know my BIG SECRET! ;)

And you're right, we're the coolest and most attractive people in all of Boston!

[siercia]

You know, I think that I would say that I know Jude 2.0 better than I ever really knew the Judie of previous eras, and I like her a lot. Even if I forget and still call you Judie =)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I appreciate that.

And I think, though, that it's hard for people to know me, /really/ know me, and not out of any fault of theirs. I'm a really guarded person and I hold things in so tightly sometimes. So I get caught in this Catch-22 of being upset because people don't "know me" and yet being unable to really make that happen.

It's all me.

[hopemcg.livejournal.com]

When the girl and I moved to Columbus we spent all of our graduation money on our deposit and first month's rent. I remember we tried to go to greek festival to celebrate our move. We had $9 in our world and thought that could buy us some nice baklava or something. Anyway we go over, PAY at a meter to park and it was going to be $3 or $4 each to get in. *sniff* So we went home.

The next day I got a job at Wendy's and Megan got a job a Fuddrucker's. The pay was crap and certainly wouldn't hold up in Boston, but we managed to squeek by until Megan got her library job that paid a HUGE 7.50 an hour.

Anyway, it was really hard, but we were right where we wanted to be and managed. I think you are where you want to be. Hang on tightly and you'll find what you need. smooches to both of you

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dude, the image of you and Megan going to the Greek Festival and going home just breaks my heart. Augh - that's so heartbreaking!

And I know I've been here before, especially after college and when A. and I moved back to Maine, but I guess (for me) it's harded now that I'm older. And I'm /not/ in the same circumstances as you guys were (there's a lot more than $9, I mean) but it's so weird to go from a pretty adult situation in which one is able to pay bills with relative ease and save for emergencies, and then go back to 'can we really afford this brand of cereal right now?' I mean, it's something I expected and found exciting when I was 21, but now, only 8 years later, I guess I feel like it shouldn't be happening to me. As if this sort of thing doesn't happen to 'grown ups.'

Grown-up-ism is something I seem to struggle with a lot, probably because my father was self-employed in a failing business endeavor and worried about money 24/7. That sort of 'we won't have enough' paranoia comes straight from him (I think), and I'd love to be able to shake it. Normally I combat these feelings by being incredibly financially prepared. I have bits of money saved in all kinds of crazy places, 'just in case,' and 'to buy a house,' and 'to get a new car someday.' And so the money is there; the money is there if we don't get jobs in July or even August... but then the Financial Planner part of me goes totally ballistic because then it kicks out 'what about the fact that you're saving for a /house/?' or 'what if you spend it all now and you're never able to save again?'

Sometimes I really think I need anti-anxiety meds. ;)

[gimmeapony.livejournal.com]

jesus, i'm the same way with money. i have savings for a house and i'm terrified that i'm going to wind up spending that money if i try to go to school fulltime and then i'm never going to be able to save that much money again and i'll die living in an apartment in dorchester and UGH- not knowing exactly what i'm doing with my life is one thing but not knowing exactly what's up with my money is enough to drive me insane.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

But if YOU die in your apartment in Dorchester and I die in my apartment in Dorchester, we'll be neighbors FOREVER!

We need to have drinks sometime. After two or three drinks, I'll tell you all about my crazy money schemes. Because seriously, the amount I'd like to plan and save is totally unhealthy and nuts. And if we're tipsy, you'll get a big kick out of it. ;)

[whirledpeas.livejournal.com]

I like TEH JUDE - for who you've been and who you'll become.

I'm proud of you. Of you both. For a lot of things, but for the sake of this post...for moving, for starting another chapter. You weren't overwhelmingly happy in Columbus and I know Boston will be your home soon.

Just give it time - and keep talking about all of those feelings. A year from now you'll look back and say "Wow...that was a big move...it was a crazy adjustment...but look where I am now."

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I sure hope you're right. I'm actually pretty sure you are, because I /am/ quite happy with our move and our ability to save so much and pull it off - but at the same time, I'm not so great at dealing with the stress. I'm one of those people that really craves stability and routine (I actually think I have some borderline autism) and I get so discombobulated when everything is so "open" and "up in the air." Ugh.

When we have jobs and are trying to work a busy schedule, I will then bitch about having no time. It's a vicious cycle. Perhaps I just like to complain.

Jen and I love you and Sarah so much. We really miss you, because you were definitely our best "couple friends." Love.

[jadefu.livejournal.com]

If you need the money to temp, do it. I think it will help your sanity. And any sane employer will understand you saying "I'm currently temping to pay the bills" and not fault you for it. Just don't feel bad for considering it.

Moving is stressful. Money problems suck. But I think all of us need these tough spots to appreciate it more when things get better.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't think anyone would hold temping against me, but I worry that I would end up with a temp assignment that wouldn't be terribly flexible with my need to schedule interviews or whatever. And the trend around here is temp-to-hire, and I'm definitely not looking for that.

Bleh. I am interviewing for some less-promising jobs this week, and I have decided that I will take ANY Of them in order to bring money in, and keep looking if the job is not to my satisfaction.

[swisscheesed.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I know -- no one told us that being grown-up was so hard. And to think that as kids all we wanted to do was get where we are now.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know - isn't that crazy??!?

I suppose that the challenges age and mature, too.

[rebasayre.livejournal.com]

i love you so much. i miss you so much. you are wonderful and talented and i know you will find something somehow. we are so much alike about our money stresses and some things with our financial crunches are VERY similar right now. just really not sure what is going to happen. sometimes i feel like puking and other times i feel like it is all going to be ok. for you, i wish you could see a BIT into the future and know you will have a job so that you can enjoy a bit of this free time that you have. but, i am like you and couldn't do it all the time either. i hope that you have fun this weekend and can enjoy your time with friends, new and old. know that you are loved no matter what state you are in, physically or mentally. and if we have a party, you are invited. we'll just have to plan them ahead of time for now so you can come! i love you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Rebecca. You are such a kind soul and a good friend. We are so blessed to have you in our lives!

I know that eventually everything will sort itself out and these job woes will become a thing of the past. And I know that we will find a way to make everything work regardless of what life throws at us, and you will do the same. It's just the uncertainty that is so hard for me; it's like I want all of the details, even if they're HARD, so I can make some sort of plan. I'm a big planner.

Ugh!

[rebasayre.livejournal.com]

me too. i can't live without closure or a plan. and in most of life i can't have either. oh, and i hate the process too. i mostly like reaching the goal. that is one thing that i am trying to work on. i love you.

[vorpalbla.livejournal.com]

" I'll never see Grendelina again."

When you are next in Columbus, Grendelina would be glad to claw--I mean, hang out with you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dude, she's HUGE. When did she get so massive? That is just nuts.

Which reminds me, you need to email me your snail mail addy so I can send you Princess Grendelina's rabies tag.

Meow.

[carina-s.livejournal.com]

I miss you too!

YOU ROCK!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

No, YOU ROCK!!