Brain Dump

[judecorp]

It's been a long time since I actually sat down and decompressed everything that's in my head. I mean, that's not what I started this journal for but it's certainly what it turned into for a while after A. and I broke up. It seems like most of my journal entries from that time are a metacognitive mess of analyses of fault, blame, and process. And then all of those times were way behind me and my journal got a lot more mundane, I suppose. Maybe it's time to start using the journal again for real or something.

It's not like I went into this move blindly. I mean, I weighed out the perceived costs and benefits over and over until even *I* was tired of hearing about them. I talked to people, different people. Jen and I talked about it over and over and over. I remember saying that I knew it would be tough, but in the end it would be better for us. And that could still be true, but I'm not so sure.

Actually, I'm sure that with enough time, things would become comfortable here. But does 'better' mean 'comfortable'? I was comfortable before we moved, so just achieving that level of comfort in a new place seems a little like one-step-forward, one-step-back. Or maybe that's just because I'm currently not very happy here. Let's weigh some of the pros and cons, shall we?

Pros:
The political climate - it's quite refreshing to see so many liberal candidates on ballots, and even MORE refreshing when there are, say, Dem and Green candidates and no Reppies. That's a nice change from Ohio the Red State of Doom and the whole Taft Administration of Asshats. Then again, we have our very own Asshat in Charge here (Mittens Romney)... but we can get legally married here. That's cool.

The smell of the ocean - It's lovely. Really. I love driving down the road and seeing an expanse of water. I love that you can smell the salt in the air all the time, and even moreso when it's damp or humid out. I love being able to drive to many beaches in a short time. I love hearing the seagulls and knowing that water is close by.

Closeness to family - It's great to be an hour away from my father and grandparents. My grandparents won't be around forever, and it's nice to be able to celebrate birthdays and special occasions with them. It's nice to be able to see them for a couple of hours without having to spend a weekend or a week - to be able to drive down, spend a little time, and come back home.

Old friends - It's nice to be around old friends. There's some sort of comfort in that, I think. I know that Jen really appreciates having friends she knows are hers, because she used to worry that some people were only my friends and she felt like a tag-along.

Cons:
Cost of living - It's high. Really high. Right now we're scraping just to get by every month, which doesn't leave much room for having fun, going out, taking a weekend away, etc. We won't make any progress on our debt here, at least not in the direction we'd like. Things are so expensive that the idea of owning a home is almost entirely out of the question, and the idea of starting a family seems so risky because it's unlikely that we could afford child care or afford for one of us not to work. Our rent has doubled, our utility payments have doubled (and we haven't even gotten to needing to put the heat on yet), and our car insurance has doubled. Our income, however, has remained the same. This is not working.

Lack of social plans - It's hard to coordinate plans with people here. Everyone lives in a different part of town and has an established schedule. Plans are do-able, but it's a challenge. Jen is working evenings and weekends, which limits the amount of time we can spend together /and/ with other people, and then by the time we work in their schedules, it's a stressful mess. And I don't feel like there's anyone I can call last minute and say, "Hey, I'm bored, what are you doing?" I had a lot of those people in Cbus and I liked the casual relationship of it. I liked being able to kind of "go down the list" and just get in touch with people and con them into hanging out. Since we had more disposable income, it was a lot easier (and less guilt-inducing) to call someone and say, "Come out to dinner with us," whereas now we're always debating whether we can even afford to go out to dinner, and where we can afford, and whether or not I'll be a wreck the whole time.

Achieving my goals - I'm ready. I want a family. And I've wanted it for so long now that every day that we have to wait gives me stress. I am not where I thought I would be at this age. At all. And here, it looks like another good 5-7 years before we can even start any of this stuff. 5-7 years? That's like torture... especially when I know that if we hadn't come here we would currently be homeowners and have the budget for at least a part-time stay home parent. It's just so frustrating to know that I had my hands on the future and now the carpet's been pulled out from under me and the reach is waaaaaaaaaaaay too long.

There's so much more to this but I don't have the time or the energy right now. The whole situation just bums me out so much, and then I mope around the house, and that upsets Jen, and then I feel bad about upsetting Jen, etc. It doesn't help that today is the last day of The Big E, and I wanted to go soooooo badly, but now Jen has a "work meeting" at 6:00pm (Sunday is supposed to be her guaranteed day off with me) and there's no way we could go, have a good time, and get back in time for her to get ready for this meeting. Besides, it would probably be too much freaking money anyway.

And I doubt we'll be going to King Richard's Faire this year, either. It all seems so unfair.

Comments

[rebasayre.livejournal.com]

whoa. i'm glad you are getting this stuff out. it sits heavy on my chest for you, i can't imagine how you feel.

we sure love you here and hope that not TOO long from now, you can look back on this situation, fully confident of what you were to learn from it, and reassured that you have arrived in a better place (in all ways).

[whirledpeas.livejournal.com]

I agree with what Reba said.

You'll make the right decision, Jude - it'll just take time for yall to figure that out. We can poke and cajoll you to come back to Cbus, but in reality we just miss you and are nuts with all of that missing.

But we want the best stuff for YOU, too.

[happy2beso.livejournal.com]

Could you get an apartment that is smaller and cheaper and then start with the baby thing? I think lots of people end up having babies before they *think* they are ready, but when they are hetero it sometimes just happens. You guys have to plan more, but if one of you just happened to get pregnant, you'd deal with it, right? So maybe you could also plan to get prego and then deal with it?

I'm sorry this is all so confusing and emotionally draining for both of you. Sounds like it can't be easy on your relationship either.

[mostlyhere.livejournal.com]

Ya know, Jen and I went through a lot of feeling the same way when I moved here. In truth we are still wondering if Boston was the right choice for us. You know how I feel about Ohio, but from here it all looks so doable sometimes that I wish I could be happy there. You pro/con list was a great idea. For us the choice to stay here has so far been more political/cultural than economic. It's tough...

[biophile6.livejournal.com]

I also love the political climate.

One encouraging note from a dinner last night with my friend Sean (http://www.seanboggs.com), who has been as active as I in the Dean and Dem campaigns. He states: In Ohio Rep registration is up 50%, but Dem registration is up 250%!! Similar in Penn, that gap is closing!

Its hard to know how much of each election is newbies, but you can do that math :) My guess: back of envelope says the polls are wrong, wayyy wrong there. If it was close to 50-50 last time, and 50% turned out, and each cycle gets another 10% new registrants, then we have an end product of 2.5% new voters each time registering, so that would be around Rep=28.75%, Dem=31.25%. If its as high as 20% newbies, then the math just gets sweet!! (33R-38D, incredible 70% turnout.)

Fear not. We shall fight and prevail, in all things expense, family and politics.

[siercia]

There's so much compare and contrast that can be done between the two places, and you can make yourself sick worrying about them all. If you'd chosen to stay in Ohio, you'd likely be plagued by thoughts of whether you should have stayed. There's no easy answer. And even if you end up going back to Ohio in a year - I still don't think your move was a mistake or a failure, just a step on the way to finding the right path.

I definitely feel you about the over-scheduled nature of most of our friends here - I often end up with a few free hours, bored out of my mind, with no one to call or do fun stuff with. It bums me out too - and hard for me as well because most nights I'm tied to the house b/c of Widget, and I feel bad making people trek out here all the time.

Lastly, I have *NEVER* been to King Richard's, and would love to go this year, if your Jennifer can't go with you. I think I'm free the next few weekends, too.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You've NEVER been to KRF? Oh wow. I thought it was like a rule. It's a requirement to go and eat giant turkey legs and make fun of people in garb. (Even if Shani says I have no right to make fun of people in garb, I do anyway.) I don't know when the last weekend is, though. Next Saturday I have to go to RI to have lunch with my dad and then race back here for Shani's party. Next Sunday we have dinner plans around 7ish, but we might be able to go before (not sure). Is Columbus Day weekend the last weekend? I should check on that.

I think you're right in some ways when you say that I would analyze the situation no matter what. That's true, because I'm just that sort of person. And I analyzed it /all the time/ when I was there... but in between going out and having fun and having enough money to pay for stuff. ;)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I really do hope that Dem voter registration being up means that more people will vote Bush out of office! And I'd /love/ to see Kerry win in such an important state like Ohio, but while I can see it in Franklin County (where Columbus is), I just can't see it in the rest of the state. It really IS quite conservative. I wonder how many of the new registrations are from 18-year-old college kids? I'd love to research that.

It's just all so daunting. I mean, we agonized over the decision to come here and have pretty much just been agonizing ever since. I want to get back to a place where we're not fighting all the time and can concentrate on how much we love each other. Hell, I'd move to ALASKA (brrr!) if I thought we would stop being so stressed out.

[siercia]

I grew up far enough away that I'd never heard of it until I moved here. And then, since WIley was a local, and had done it to death, we never went =(. I saw the billboard for it the other day, and was thinking how much I wanted to go.

I looked it up, it looks like it runs through the 24th, so we've got a couple of weekends to try for.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

In some ways I totally agree with you. I got very frustrated in Ohio a lot of the times with not only the overarching political scene, but also the "culture" that a lot of people grew up with that was directly related to this that they didn't even recognize. (Like how everyone said, "That's so gay," and stuff like that) It's nice not to get shouted at from cars on the road and stuff like that, too.

Then again, Jen and I have talked several times about how we don't feel as comfortable being out here as we did in Columbus, which seems so backwards. But there, I knew all the resources, most of the community, and where the supports were. Here, I know that we have the legal right to marry but I also know a lot more people who are pissed about it. And I don't know jack about what we could "get away with" in Dorchester, as opposed to Cambridge or whatever. It's all so confusing.

Yes, it's great to be in a "blue state," and I LOVE THAT. But it's weird that I felt more comfortable there. I guess because I've always been totally out there. I dunno.

But I'd say the driving force in this is 98% economic, because that's where 98% of our stress comes from. Ugh.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Our apartment is big, that's true, but it's several hundred dollars cheaper than some of our friends' places (probably due to location). There were some cheaper apartments that we looked at - about $100/month cheaper - and they were serious dumps. We could probably go a bit cheaper if we moved into a 1br place but we'd have to pay for storage for some of our stuff, so that would up the price. For Boston, we have "reasonable" rent. Especially for what we have.

My supervisor pays the same rent as us ($1300/mo) for a 2br in a crappy part of Lexington. And he has a longer commute to work because of it. So yeah, we could find a cheaper place, but it would either be significantly further away or a dump.

But as for your "babies happen" thing, I had a conversation with Peas about this very thing - about how a lot of times in opposite-sex couples babies just happen and people adapt... but when you get in our situations where you have to plan the thing to death, you're always fretting about it not being the right time. The problem is less (for me) about affording baby stuff but the childcare. Since our rent/bills are so high, we really do NEED two incomes (especially since we both make about $30K) so we would need child care... and child care here is a total mess. (Just ask my clients!)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Don't take this the wrong way, but it's you guys that are making this so hard. It's because we love you all so damned much and you've all become family to us, and we really feel like big idiots for leaving that behind. (Oh, and the money thing, too.)

I mean, Reba just had a baby, and we want a baby and we want you and Sarah to have babies with us! And then they can grow up together and we can be crazy queer mamas and really, how cool would that be?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I definitely think we are learning a lot through this experience about what we want, and what's important, and when we want it. I just hope that our relationship is strong enough to last through all of this stress... because really, sometimes it doesn't seem like it's working and that just makes me so, so sad.

If moving here kills our releationship, which is one of the most important things in my life, I will never forgive myself. I just feel so crappy about the whole thing.

Also, I love you and can't wait to meet Kara Hope!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Sweet. We should make a date for the 24th or something. I /know/ there's nothing going on that day. (Or the 23rd if Jen doesn't want to go, because she's probably working.)

Wow, October is a busy month. It's all those birthdays. Yow.

[rebasayre.livejournal.com]

yeah, and even if kyle and i aren't queer, we are happy , crazy and dying to share her with her favorite aunts! hopefully we're still cool enough. hehe. love you guys! p.s. if we need to stop talking to you to make it easier....let us know. yeah, right. like i could do that! we love you too much. it's hard enough having you there!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Of course we want our babies to play with your babies, duh! It's just cool that we would have some other double-mamas to figure out all of the necessary legal mumbo-jumbo and stuff with. :) You can certainly help!

I can't wait until Kara has gotten used to the world enough to be smothered with visitors! She is going to be the most spoiled little girl at the holidays, I just bet. :)

[rebasayre.livejournal.com]

no worries, i was just kidding, girlie. i just want to be as cool as kara's aunts. :)

i really respect the perserverence and love that is invested in you guysm, and peas and sarah, having your bebes. I tell you what, they certainly will know that they were loved and wanted. no question in their minds about that one. EVER! and what an incredible gift to give to your little one.

and i may not get the legal stuff, but you know that whatever I can do to help you all get there and celebrate when the time comes, i want to sign up first for the party to celebrate and announce the newest love and little perfection to come from the hearts of some of my favorite friends! xoxo

[bellabooks.livejournal.com]

It's amazing to me how similar our emotional situations really are. I hate having to count every single penny (a trip to the movies should be fun, not cause for stress!) and I hate having to have serious financial discussions every other week. I just want a break from it all - I'm sure you two feel the same.
I like to play a hypothetical game with myself. "If I had unlimited money, would I..." Still love Olex; still want a baby; still want to work at my current job; still want to live in Boston; still want to buy a house; still want to have a baby; still want to have a baby via the same method; etc.
Basically, I figure that if my answer is a resounding "HELL, YES!" then it's worth fighting for. If I say "HELL, NO," then I make it a goal to change that part of my life. If I'm apathetic, then I make sure that my focus is on the parts of my life important to me.
I've been awake for more than 24 hours, so forgive me if I'm rambling incoherently! I appreciate you sharing your concerns. I find it helpful to know that Olex and I aren't the only people on earth struggling with these tough decisions. You seem to be a very organized thinker - I'm sure that you'll be able to make decisions that you're comfortable with.
Good luck!

[gala.livejournal.com]

I've never been either. Mindy and Jay invited me out a couple of weeks ago, but I already had plans. If you guys do end up going, I'd love to join you if you'd have me. :)

I also sympathise with the social schedule thing. Chris has classes 3 nights of the week this semester. I'm taking a class on one of those. So that's 2 nights that I'm home alone with the cat. Give me a call - I'm more than happy to cook dinner in, watch movies, stitch, hang, whatever. :) And you guys are really 10 minutes away.

As for your dilemna about moving to Boston/moving back to Cbus - it will all work out in the end. You're both young, intelligent, and wonderfully devoted to each other's happiness. It's okay to take a risk, only to have it fail to turn out as you hoped. As long as you grow from it and don't let it get between you, you will only become stronger.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dude, what days are you home alone? I'm home alone at least two nights a week guaranteed, and I'm always looking for something last minute and fun... especially low-key because the little kids totally zap all of my energy.

We should make a date! (And if we DO go to KRF, you can totally come. HUZZAH!)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I agree with you SO MUCH on the "a trip to the movies should be fun, not cause stress." That's EXACTLY how I feel and why I'm such a wreck. Sometimes I think you and I are kindred spirits. It must be why I like you so much.

Promise me that one day you and I will meet somewhere, in front of coffees/beers/whatever, and just talk and talk and talk. I [heart] you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I am going to borrow a little of your hope until November. Although I still want to stick with my "prepare for the worst and you might be surprised" plan.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I can't wait to be a cool mama just like you!

[biophile6.livejournal.com]

Ive actually got surplus right now, Im really pleased. Take all you want!

*seen in the grocer:

Like a rock
(Dubya picture)
Only dumber

[bellabooks.livejournal.com]

It's a plan!!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dude, that poster is awesome!