I want to vanish inside your kiss.

[judecorp]

The best things in life are never easy. I suppose that is true but the triteness is so irritating. It's also counterintuitive, because so many messages in popular culture lead us to believe that the best things /are/ easy - effortless, even.

Things are really rough right now, and sometimes I don't know what to do. I try to stay as positive as I can, but I really feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions. My gut tells me to find the positive in everything here - to enjoy my friends, find ways to like my job, get involved in the community, etc. But there's this niggling fear in the back of my head, this little voice that tells me not to get too attached to being here because we'll probably just move again.

Sometimes I think that's a good idea, but most of the time the rational part of me knows that only *I* can bring out the good in my situation and the *I* is not going to change no matter how many times we pack a U-Haul. And my rational boy brain says that you just have to tough it out until you get what you want, regardless of the situation. And I believe that. And I want to act on it.

But then I remember that Jen really wants to go back to school, and there's really no way in hell we could pull that off here. Then again, we might not be able to pull it off, period. But can I ask her to give up her dreams? Can I expect her to give up her goals rather than try and try to find a way to pull it off?

Yes, I'm scared that staying here will put off our family indefinitely... but I also know that if I want something bad enough I can make it happen. But I'm also scared that another move, coupled with Jen entering another graduate program, will /also/ postpone our future family. It's such a catch-22 for me... I'm afraid to find reasons to stay here, but I'm afraid to continue in the misery of limbo.

I wish that she and I could talk through these issues without arguments and misunderstandings. The obvious answer seems to be to ensure that conversations happen when we're in good places in our hearts. But that is also the time when I'm most likely to just agree with everything, that desire to preserve the snippets of harmony I'm able to catch.

It's just a mess right now. Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to get through it. Actually, that's not true. I know I'll get through it, I'm just scared of what things will look like on the other side.

(In happier news, Happy Birthday, Shani!)

Comments

[cathboblet.livejournal.com]

You may move again, and that's a difficult prospect to consider and plan for consider all that you invested in this move (financially and emotionally). And you may stay and this may become the home you dreamed about -- no one knows, much as I would personally like to take the universe outside for a strong discussion, a quick ciagrette, and some answers.

(I don't smoke, but crikey, I think the universe must ;)).

But whether or not you move, your level of personal happiness can only be helped by investing in all the positives you mentioned. Leaving, if it happens, will be a wrench no matter what -- you've already begun to put down roots and you'd be leaving older dreams for new ones. I don't think that leaving will be easier for not investing in right now, you know?

It's horribly hard, trying to find a path through this particular overgrown garden. But at least there are flowers along the way.

lovelove

[ktmcda.livejournal.com]

I dunno..have you considered perhaps giving up BOTH your dreams and moving up here? Just a thouht.

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

Thank you, lovey. =) It's been good.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm glad! And that's quite a hat. It's a great deal larger than a regular hat, if you catch my drift...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Umm... no. :)

Dude, can I just tell you that it is WAY TOO COLD up here for me. Jeebus. It's freezing! It gets dark so early! I am totally dying.

[ktmcda.livejournal.com]

hey, I hear you. but it makes me SAD!!!
well, I'll just haveta come visit yas then.

[ktmcda.livejournal.com]

hey! Mr Darcy is MIIIINEE!!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

What if I move to a tropical island? Wouldn't that help with the visiting? ;)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I don't know - sometimes I think leaving really would be easier if I wasn't terribly invested here. I mean, when I left my job in Columbus, I was thrilled - because I didn't like the job. Sure I missed some people, but I didn't miss the job one bit, and I still don't. (Score.) It's all the other things that I miss - friends, places, activities, etc.

I know that there still are things that I am attached to here (heck, that's why we came in the first place, right?) so it won't be easy no matter what. I really wish being a grown-up wasn't so hard.

I think right now it all kind of depends on Jen. If she decides to go back to school, and gets accepted somewhere, that's where we're going. It's really the only acceptable option in my book.

(Unless a baby magically appears on my doorstep!)