I'm a freak. I'm a weirdo.
Oct. 27th, 2004 11:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpI think I wrestle sometimes with the person that I want to be. I mean, I think there are two people that I really want to be, and they duke it out with each other. And I just sort of sit there in the middle and watch, feeling awkward.
I have felt the happiest and most confident when I have had the freedom and ability to be that person who will try anything, do anything, and say anything. I remember the summer of 2002 after I graduated (but before I'd found a job) when I stocked my days and nights with plans - geocaching, parties, punk shows, dinners out, long walks, bike rides, Unemployed Alcoholic Happy Hour, volunteering, the list goes on and on. I felt like a part of something fun, like I was a puzzle piece in the middle of some larger, vibrant picture. People liked me, people recognized me around town, and I was like a big fish. But I think a lot of what made me a big fish was that I thought like a big fish and I acted like a big fish - like I was the coolest person in town and one would be dumb not to want to hang out with me.
Of course, there's another part of me that aspires to be nothing else but a good partner, the kind of partner that I imagine a good partner would be. That part of me wants to build a harmonious and happy home, start a family, and ride off into the sunset. She wants to be a master of compromise, the sort of person people see and say, "I wish my SO were more like that." (What can I say, I'm a perfectionist!)
The problem is that I can't seem to have both, and so even if I manage to achieve one or the other of these ideals (which isn't likely), I feel like something is off or missing. Being a happy-go-lucky party girl who will do/try/say anything doesn't exactly make an easy relationship, but aspiring (and failing) to be the perfect partner really messes with my self-confidence. I feel like such an awkward teenager these days and I wonder what happened to the person I knew of myself only a couple of years ago. Where did that fearless person go? These days I'm perpetually scared of failing, screwing up, ruining, regretting. I used to say regrets were foolish, and now I'm drowning in them.
I feel like an empty shell of myself these days. I feel like a misfit in so many areas of my life. I don't know what to do about it.
(Also, GO SOX.)
I have felt the happiest and most confident when I have had the freedom and ability to be that person who will try anything, do anything, and say anything. I remember the summer of 2002 after I graduated (but before I'd found a job) when I stocked my days and nights with plans - geocaching, parties, punk shows, dinners out, long walks, bike rides, Unemployed Alcoholic Happy Hour, volunteering, the list goes on and on. I felt like a part of something fun, like I was a puzzle piece in the middle of some larger, vibrant picture. People liked me, people recognized me around town, and I was like a big fish. But I think a lot of what made me a big fish was that I thought like a big fish and I acted like a big fish - like I was the coolest person in town and one would be dumb not to want to hang out with me.
Of course, there's another part of me that aspires to be nothing else but a good partner, the kind of partner that I imagine a good partner would be. That part of me wants to build a harmonious and happy home, start a family, and ride off into the sunset. She wants to be a master of compromise, the sort of person people see and say, "I wish my SO were more like that." (What can I say, I'm a perfectionist!)
The problem is that I can't seem to have both, and so even if I manage to achieve one or the other of these ideals (which isn't likely), I feel like something is off or missing. Being a happy-go-lucky party girl who will do/try/say anything doesn't exactly make an easy relationship, but aspiring (and failing) to be the perfect partner really messes with my self-confidence. I feel like such an awkward teenager these days and I wonder what happened to the person I knew of myself only a couple of years ago. Where did that fearless person go? These days I'm perpetually scared of failing, screwing up, ruining, regretting. I used to say regrets were foolish, and now I'm drowning in them.
I feel like an empty shell of myself these days. I feel like a misfit in so many areas of my life. I don't know what to do about it.
(Also, GO SOX.)
