I'm a freak. I'm a weirdo.
Oct. 27th, 2004 11:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpI think I wrestle sometimes with the person that I want to be. I mean, I think there are two people that I really want to be, and they duke it out with each other. And I just sort of sit there in the middle and watch, feeling awkward.
I have felt the happiest and most confident when I have had the freedom and ability to be that person who will try anything, do anything, and say anything. I remember the summer of 2002 after I graduated (but before I'd found a job) when I stocked my days and nights with plans - geocaching, parties, punk shows, dinners out, long walks, bike rides, Unemployed Alcoholic Happy Hour, volunteering, the list goes on and on. I felt like a part of something fun, like I was a puzzle piece in the middle of some larger, vibrant picture. People liked me, people recognized me around town, and I was like a big fish. But I think a lot of what made me a big fish was that I thought like a big fish and I acted like a big fish - like I was the coolest person in town and one would be dumb not to want to hang out with me.
Of course, there's another part of me that aspires to be nothing else but a good partner, the kind of partner that I imagine a good partner would be. That part of me wants to build a harmonious and happy home, start a family, and ride off into the sunset. She wants to be a master of compromise, the sort of person people see and say, "I wish my SO were more like that." (What can I say, I'm a perfectionist!)
The problem is that I can't seem to have both, and so even if I manage to achieve one or the other of these ideals (which isn't likely), I feel like something is off or missing. Being a happy-go-lucky party girl who will do/try/say anything doesn't exactly make an easy relationship, but aspiring (and failing) to be the perfect partner really messes with my self-confidence. I feel like such an awkward teenager these days and I wonder what happened to the person I knew of myself only a couple of years ago. Where did that fearless person go? These days I'm perpetually scared of failing, screwing up, ruining, regretting. I used to say regrets were foolish, and now I'm drowning in them.
I feel like an empty shell of myself these days. I feel like a misfit in so many areas of my life. I don't know what to do about it.
(Also, GO SOX.)
I have felt the happiest and most confident when I have had the freedom and ability to be that person who will try anything, do anything, and say anything. I remember the summer of 2002 after I graduated (but before I'd found a job) when I stocked my days and nights with plans - geocaching, parties, punk shows, dinners out, long walks, bike rides, Unemployed Alcoholic Happy Hour, volunteering, the list goes on and on. I felt like a part of something fun, like I was a puzzle piece in the middle of some larger, vibrant picture. People liked me, people recognized me around town, and I was like a big fish. But I think a lot of what made me a big fish was that I thought like a big fish and I acted like a big fish - like I was the coolest person in town and one would be dumb not to want to hang out with me.
Of course, there's another part of me that aspires to be nothing else but a good partner, the kind of partner that I imagine a good partner would be. That part of me wants to build a harmonious and happy home, start a family, and ride off into the sunset. She wants to be a master of compromise, the sort of person people see and say, "I wish my SO were more like that." (What can I say, I'm a perfectionist!)
The problem is that I can't seem to have both, and so even if I manage to achieve one or the other of these ideals (which isn't likely), I feel like something is off or missing. Being a happy-go-lucky party girl who will do/try/say anything doesn't exactly make an easy relationship, but aspiring (and failing) to be the perfect partner really messes with my self-confidence. I feel like such an awkward teenager these days and I wonder what happened to the person I knew of myself only a couple of years ago. Where did that fearless person go? These days I'm perpetually scared of failing, screwing up, ruining, regretting. I used to say regrets were foolish, and now I'm drowning in them.
I feel like an empty shell of myself these days. I feel like a misfit in so many areas of my life. I don't know what to do about it.
(Also, GO SOX.)
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no subject
Date: 2004-10-28 03:07 am (UTC)it sounds like - for myself and many people as well - much of the pain may come from unnatural division of these elements of you, when there should be integration instead.
Doing so will always bring confusion, but the confusion should be the tool which allows you to find out how to bring these things together.
Be gentle with yourself.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-28 03:13 am (UTC)I know that the secret to all of this would be to recognize the "two people" but I am not sure it's at all possible. Crazy, funloving, indestructible me does not a good partner make. There has been way too much drama and heartache over the past few years to chisel away at all of those qualities, and I'm not sure it would be good for my relationship to try to integrate those back into my daily life.
Maybe I just don't know how to grow up. Or I'm unwilling. Or something.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-28 03:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-29 01:22 am (UTC)I dunno.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-28 02:45 pm (UTC)Doing goofy things and being a bit of a party girl introduces a lot of stress relief and fun times. On the surface it might not look stable and family-forward, but think of how much future children get out of a parent that enjoys life.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-29 01:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-29 02:35 pm (UTC):P
no subject
Date: 2004-11-02 03:21 am (UTC)(She'd kill me.)
no subject
Date: 2004-11-02 03:49 pm (UTC)(sulks in corner)
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Date: 2004-11-05 02:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-05 03:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-08 02:07 am (UTC)Thank You
Date: 2004-11-08 03:02 am (UTC)Re: Thank You
Date: 2004-11-08 03:37 am (UTC)Re: Thank You
Date: 2004-11-11 09:45 pm (UTC)Why didn't we go out drinking? That would have been amazing!
Re: Thank You
Date: 2004-11-12 02:33 am (UTC)Re: Thank You
Date: 2004-11-12 11:48 pm (UTC)Did we do anything wacky when you were in STL?
Uh.
Date: 2004-10-28 03:50 pm (UTC)We establish the things we want, whether they're reasonable or not. That's human.
We strive to be better than we can be. That's human.
We want people to envy us, admire us, look up to us, want to be with us, want to be us, love us, be with us. That's human.
We struggle with the family vs. success issue all the time. That's American.
The truth is that you're aware of your struggles and your desires. Being a perfectionist is only a problem if you let it get in the way of living your life and enjoying your time in your work and with your partner. It's okay to struggle and it's okay to feel displaced. That's part of growth. Growth is painful and it's disconcerting, that's why some people stop doing it if they can. But it's also challenging and rewarding, which is why we go through it: to be stronger and better and more comfortable in our own skin.
You're not a freak. You're not weird (well, you may be a little, but this is not why). You're human. And you're obviously a person capable of great love and great things, you just have to find your feet. And sometimes, the things we're looking for are in the least likely places. So keep looking and knowing that you're supported and loved.
Okay, enough waxing on by me. :)
Re: Uh.
Date: 2004-10-29 01:25 am (UTC)Hey, I kind of like that.
I know what you're saying here, and I'm pretty much feeling the vibe. I guess I always get concerned because I don't always recognize the infinitesimal differences between growing as a person and changing who you are for someone else. I'm always worried that my desire to be a perfect partner causes me to sacrifice parts of myself that are important to me.
I really need to learn a better balance. I'm really quite terrible at making successful relationships work.