Was that really me?
Dec. 7th, 2004 11:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpIt's been so long since I've written anything even remotely introspective. I used to think I was a really self-aware person. Am I still that person? Have I become so self-aware that I don't process anything? I used to take long walks where I would talk to myself, and write long posts about my mental state. Where did that go?
Someone on my friends list posted one of those "what was I doing a year ago?" things and it got me hunting through my calendar, looking for December 6th posts. I've been doing this since 2001, and found it funny that for all three years, I talked about holiday cards on or around December 6th. (I guess I'm consistant.) But going back to the 2001 entries always throws me for a loop. I have almost forgotten about all of that time.
I forget that I was married all the time. It seems like something that happened to another person in another lifetime. So many people that I know have no clue that I was ever married, or if they /do/ know, it's just another anecdote in the sea of my life. I'm not used to being surrounded with too many people who knew me then, or who even watched that whole part of my life unfold. (I actually come into contact with more now than I have in the last chunk of years, which is the cause of some of my angst I suppose.) It seems so strange to me to reread those entries. It doesn't even feel like I wrote them, even though it's my voice and my words. Totally weird. (As Fin Tutuola would say, "That's messed up!")
I can't believe that I was married, and that my marriage ended and I started smooching on and dating a number of great girls. And that I pretty much played them all because I was so messed in the head and I hurt a lot of people. And I can't believe I was smooching a married woman, that I was smooching a coworker, that I was smooching my brother's ex-girlfriend... my life was a total soap opera, and it all seems so surreal now. Who was that person and where did she go? Is she still inside me somewhere? Have I lost something, or gained something?
I think that my life is so internally chaotic right now because there's not much external chaos. In 2001, in a span of months, I dealt with: my apartment catching on fire, my marriage ending, my grandfather getting sick, my father-in-law dying, the World Trade Center attacks in the middle of my NYC vacation, severe strep throat and a hospitalization, the loss of a major friendship, and my father's heart attack and resulting surgery. And somehow I managed to go on a mad (and enjoyable) dating binge, attend a Big Gay Conference in Milwaukee, make some fantastic friends, and fall in love. Is there no wonder why I feel stir crazy now? Everything is so effing serene. I work a pretty much stable 9-5 job, I'm in a stable relationship, I pay my bills, I come home. My family is doing well, my brother got married to a great woman, I'm obsessed with my cats, and I'm in a state that will actually legally allow me and Jennifer to get married. I go to work, I come home, I do chores, I watch some mindless television, I snuggle, I go to bed. Of /course/ I'm filling my life with arguments and other nonsense, because my head isn't spinning with 8797984327 obligations, responsibilities, and stressors.
All this tells me is that I need to get busier so I can stop filling my time with nonsense like bickering. I have too much time and brainpower to bicker. I need to become more mentally active and use all of this energy wisely! I've joined a women's bookclub that is meeting this coming Monday (have I read the really long book? nooooooo.), and I recently joined an online group for queer girls in the Boston area that happen to be grammar-obsessed. (I suppose I'm feeding my Inner Nerd.) I need to get back into volunteering also, and maybe I'll come up with some other project to occupy my time. I'm going to get back into writing letters. And planning schemes. And geocaching. And when the weather is warmer, maybe I'll go on those long walks where I can talk to myself like a crazy person. I can't be the craziest person in Dooster, can I?
Someone on my friends list posted one of those "what was I doing a year ago?" things and it got me hunting through my calendar, looking for December 6th posts. I've been doing this since 2001, and found it funny that for all three years, I talked about holiday cards on or around December 6th. (I guess I'm consistant.) But going back to the 2001 entries always throws me for a loop. I have almost forgotten about all of that time.
I forget that I was married all the time. It seems like something that happened to another person in another lifetime. So many people that I know have no clue that I was ever married, or if they /do/ know, it's just another anecdote in the sea of my life. I'm not used to being surrounded with too many people who knew me then, or who even watched that whole part of my life unfold. (I actually come into contact with more now than I have in the last chunk of years, which is the cause of some of my angst I suppose.) It seems so strange to me to reread those entries. It doesn't even feel like I wrote them, even though it's my voice and my words. Totally weird. (As Fin Tutuola would say, "That's messed up!")
I can't believe that I was married, and that my marriage ended and I started smooching on and dating a number of great girls. And that I pretty much played them all because I was so messed in the head and I hurt a lot of people. And I can't believe I was smooching a married woman, that I was smooching a coworker, that I was smooching my brother's ex-girlfriend... my life was a total soap opera, and it all seems so surreal now. Who was that person and where did she go? Is she still inside me somewhere? Have I lost something, or gained something?
I think that my life is so internally chaotic right now because there's not much external chaos. In 2001, in a span of months, I dealt with: my apartment catching on fire, my marriage ending, my grandfather getting sick, my father-in-law dying, the World Trade Center attacks in the middle of my NYC vacation, severe strep throat and a hospitalization, the loss of a major friendship, and my father's heart attack and resulting surgery. And somehow I managed to go on a mad (and enjoyable) dating binge, attend a Big Gay Conference in Milwaukee, make some fantastic friends, and fall in love. Is there no wonder why I feel stir crazy now? Everything is so effing serene. I work a pretty much stable 9-5 job, I'm in a stable relationship, I pay my bills, I come home. My family is doing well, my brother got married to a great woman, I'm obsessed with my cats, and I'm in a state that will actually legally allow me and Jennifer to get married. I go to work, I come home, I do chores, I watch some mindless television, I snuggle, I go to bed. Of /course/ I'm filling my life with arguments and other nonsense, because my head isn't spinning with 8797984327 obligations, responsibilities, and stressors.
All this tells me is that I need to get busier so I can stop filling my time with nonsense like bickering. I have too much time and brainpower to bicker. I need to become more mentally active and use all of this energy wisely! I've joined a women's bookclub that is meeting this coming Monday (have I read the really long book? nooooooo.), and I recently joined an online group for queer girls in the Boston area that happen to be grammar-obsessed. (I suppose I'm feeding my Inner Nerd.) I need to get back into volunteering also, and maybe I'll come up with some other project to occupy my time. I'm going to get back into writing letters. And planning schemes. And geocaching. And when the weather is warmer, maybe I'll go on those long walks where I can talk to myself like a crazy person. I can't be the craziest person in Dooster, can I?
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no subject
Date: 2004-12-08 05:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-08 01:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-08 02:01 pm (UTC)It was just a suggestion to give you something to do with your brain other than squabble; the lesbian grammatists can't occupy all your time. Of course, "the Craziest Person in Dorchester" actually sounds like a Jerry Lewis movie, so maybe instead of being that person, you could just work on being popular in France.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-08 02:05 pm (UTC)Instead, I will think of ways to take over Northampton and use it for my own devices! Like buying a house and having a baby!
no subject
Date: 2004-12-08 02:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-08 02:12 pm (UTC):)
no subject
Date: 2004-12-08 06:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-08 01:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-08 01:40 pm (UTC)anyway - it sounds like you have a great grasp on who you are now. (even if that means the weirdest person in your area)
:)
btw, i added you because i need more nerdy cool people on my list to keep me teetering on the brink of sanity. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-12-08 01:56 pm (UTC)I have met so many interesting, intelligent, and cool people thanks to LiveJournal, and at the same time been able to keep in touch with similar people I've known for a long time. But LJ is concrete proof of the growth in all of our lives, and I'm so thankful for that.
And I agree with you, it's kind of sad that we all have to experience major shit in our lives. But I also feel like we're required to experience the "getting through" in order to grow and become stronger, more whole people. For me, I suppose it's less about all that crap that happened to me in 2001 and more about what a distant memory it all is now.
To counteract all I wrote in 2001, in 2004: I have a great and cordial relationship with my ex-husband, my father is in better health than he was in pre-heart attack, my grandparents are still alive and well, New York is still a bustling and crazy place to vacation (and I went twice last month), I've been in great health with much less stress, and I'm still in love. So it's all good!
(I'm glad you added me. You seem like a pretty smart gal!)
no subject
Date: 2004-12-09 02:24 am (UTC)however, there's always good stuff too - like my job & getting half-way through my masters, etc. :)
i like to consider myself halfway intelligent at times ;)
no subject
Date: 2004-12-12 01:56 am (UTC)I like when years are good /and/ bad (or heck, I'd love ALL GOOD, but when does that happen?), but when they're all bad, YUCK!
2001 was such a do-over year for me, really.
troughs and crests
Date: 2004-12-08 03:44 pm (UTC)I think you are a restless person. You are about the adventure in life, and that has brought you so much. But I think there is a certain grace in the routine of a happy life. I think you have that, and should cherish it.
But, if you want to break out and, say, take a road trip to the Great Southwest and people watch in Santa Fe, you are more than allowed to keep that flame of adventure burning.
I also think that you needed a period of time to get your bearings again after the move. There was a lot of unforseen uncertainty, and now that things are leveling out, you attention is wandering.
Just a few notes from an armchair analyst.
Re: troughs and crests
Date: 2004-12-12 01:58 am (UTC)I need to find a way to cultivate adventure in the midst of domestic bliss, especially with a partner who does not have the same love of adventure. Once I find that balance, perhaps then I will have reached Enlightenment.
I would love to visit you someday. Right now it's so hard with finances and time. And because I feel awkward going on big airplane trips without Jen, like she might feel bad or something. Maybe she and I should talk about that.
Perhaps as a reward for getting in better shape (hey, it could happen!) I can take a little trip out your way and we can do some backpacking. What do you say?
Re: troughs and crests
Date: 2004-12-13 03:13 pm (UTC)A friend of mine is planning a trip with her family and calls it the penny tour. The only thing they decided to do beforehand is the direction their road trip starts. After that, for every crossroads or intersection they encounter, Mom breaks out the penny and makes a flip -- heads for left, tails for right. And that's how they determine their trip. It's all planned on a coinflip. Maybe you and Jen could do a weekend version -- I think it would be a lot of fun in such a condensed area such as the New England area.
A little controlable but random tripping (ahem) could be a lot of fun.
Re: troughs and crests
Date: 2004-12-18 03:15 am (UTC)