![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpDon't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
I need to figure out some way to be less anxious. I need to figure out some way for both Jennifer and myself to be less anxious, because our anxieties (is that a word?) are really setting each other's off and that's really dangerous. I keep having flashbacks to that summer where we put our relationship on hold to get our crap together, and they way we absolutely /had/ to do it because we were escalating each other higher and higher and higher until we were both so crazy. There has to be a better way to stop the cycle this time without taking a break, because I don't want to take a break, I don't want to run from this (even though it can be so, so tempting), and I /know/ there is a better way somewhere.
It's weird, but I know within five minutes of our interaction whether we're going to have a 'bad day' or not. We'll get into our first 'misunderstanding' within five-ten minutes and it will set off a whole day/night of problems of escalating intensity that will not end until we fall asleep and wake up the next day, clinging to each other and apologizing. That's not the greatest solution either - so we can't run away and we can't always go to bed.
I was reading something a friend wrote about being paranoid of becoming like her father. I am /so/ there. It used to be on a subconscious level but as I've become older and more self-aware it's very much at the forefront of all of my interactions. My father was very manipulative and abusive, and though he's mellowed significantly over the years, that pattern is really one of the only models of interpersonal interaction that I had in childhood. I remember the way I felt in every discourse, how low and hopeless and sad and angry. And now that I'm paranoid of being on the other side of that pattern, I keep looking for "clues" in the people I interact with.
Our life in Boston has been stressful, and that stress is really only starting to lessen now. We're quick to sad, and Jennifer is more demonstrative about this. So I'll see a flash of something, and I'll become convinced she's either very sad, or very angry at me. And then my head starts: Am I abusing her? I'm abusing her, aren't I? Oh god, I'm abusing her. This is terrible. She doesn't deserve this. No one deserves this. The best thing to do is leave. I need to leave her so she's not being abused. I'm an abuser. I don't deserve to exist, the way I treat people.
The worst part is that if I ever say any of these irrational thoughts out loud, the only thing that successfully happens is that she gets /more/ upset (and rightly so, if someone said these things to me I would probably freak). Obviously this 'proves' my thoughts and intensifies them. It gets so... BAD. Ugh, just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. It's really ugly.
I was actually going to try to type out our interaction yesterday afternoon, and I can't. It's so convoluted and crazy. I can't even make enough sense of it to type it out, so I /know/ it's irrational. We just end up making assumptions about what the other one 'really' means, and react to that, and then argue with each other about what we meant, and then argue about how often we're arguing, and then I start thinking I'm an abuser and it all goes to hell.
Sometimes I think about asking my doctor about screening for anti-anxiety meds, but I'm so skeptical about so many of them because I wonder how much the drug companies aren't telling, and I worry about the side effects, and I'm so critical of myself that I want to 'fix' everything myself. Aside from that, I know it's not an everyday occurance so I don't want to take everyday medication. (I hate taking all medicine - I never take cold pills, rarely take OTC pain meds, etc.) I also don't want 'excessive worrying' to be another thing I worry about. You know? I really just want to find a way to end our cycle, because in reality, this 'abuser paranoia' doesn't come into play with interactions with anyone but Jennifer, and I know without a doubt that it's exacerbated by her own paranoias and patterns. So we really just need to figure out a way to stop all of this crap. And soon.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
I need to figure out some way to be less anxious. I need to figure out some way for both Jennifer and myself to be less anxious, because our anxieties (is that a word?) are really setting each other's off and that's really dangerous. I keep having flashbacks to that summer where we put our relationship on hold to get our crap together, and they way we absolutely /had/ to do it because we were escalating each other higher and higher and higher until we were both so crazy. There has to be a better way to stop the cycle this time without taking a break, because I don't want to take a break, I don't want to run from this (even though it can be so, so tempting), and I /know/ there is a better way somewhere.
It's weird, but I know within five minutes of our interaction whether we're going to have a 'bad day' or not. We'll get into our first 'misunderstanding' within five-ten minutes and it will set off a whole day/night of problems of escalating intensity that will not end until we fall asleep and wake up the next day, clinging to each other and apologizing. That's not the greatest solution either - so we can't run away and we can't always go to bed.
I was reading something a friend wrote about being paranoid of becoming like her father. I am /so/ there. It used to be on a subconscious level but as I've become older and more self-aware it's very much at the forefront of all of my interactions. My father was very manipulative and abusive, and though he's mellowed significantly over the years, that pattern is really one of the only models of interpersonal interaction that I had in childhood. I remember the way I felt in every discourse, how low and hopeless and sad and angry. And now that I'm paranoid of being on the other side of that pattern, I keep looking for "clues" in the people I interact with.
Our life in Boston has been stressful, and that stress is really only starting to lessen now. We're quick to sad, and Jennifer is more demonstrative about this. So I'll see a flash of something, and I'll become convinced she's either very sad, or very angry at me. And then my head starts: Am I abusing her? I'm abusing her, aren't I? Oh god, I'm abusing her. This is terrible. She doesn't deserve this. No one deserves this. The best thing to do is leave. I need to leave her so she's not being abused. I'm an abuser. I don't deserve to exist, the way I treat people.
The worst part is that if I ever say any of these irrational thoughts out loud, the only thing that successfully happens is that she gets /more/ upset (and rightly so, if someone said these things to me I would probably freak). Obviously this 'proves' my thoughts and intensifies them. It gets so... BAD. Ugh, just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. It's really ugly.
I was actually going to try to type out our interaction yesterday afternoon, and I can't. It's so convoluted and crazy. I can't even make enough sense of it to type it out, so I /know/ it's irrational. We just end up making assumptions about what the other one 'really' means, and react to that, and then argue with each other about what we meant, and then argue about how often we're arguing, and then I start thinking I'm an abuser and it all goes to hell.
Sometimes I think about asking my doctor about screening for anti-anxiety meds, but I'm so skeptical about so many of them because I wonder how much the drug companies aren't telling, and I worry about the side effects, and I'm so critical of myself that I want to 'fix' everything myself. Aside from that, I know it's not an everyday occurance so I don't want to take everyday medication. (I hate taking all medicine - I never take cold pills, rarely take OTC pain meds, etc.) I also don't want 'excessive worrying' to be another thing I worry about. You know? I really just want to find a way to end our cycle, because in reality, this 'abuser paranoia' doesn't come into play with interactions with anyone but Jennifer, and I know without a doubt that it's exacerbated by her own paranoias and patterns. So we really just need to figure out a way to stop all of this crap. And soon.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
~Mary Schmich, The Chicago Tribune, 06-01-1997
