Is there an icon for overwhelmed?
Sep. 27th, 2001 12:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpI'm not sure. I suppose I'll find out soon enough. I am currently walking around in a funk that's as blue as my windbreaker (though the windbreaker is smurfy Hofstra blue, not Eeyore gloomy blue), and I thought I would try to formulate it into words. Of course, I'm going to have to file this one under "Ways NOT To Make Friends and Influence People."
~//~
In December of 1997 I made a promise to someone that I would marry them. I made a promise that I would stand by them no matter what. That I would love them, and they would love me, and that come what may, we would work things out. In August of 1999 I reaffirmed those promises in front of about 200 people, most of whom I care a great deal for (and some of you are out here in LJ-land, whee!). In July of 2001 I learned that my promises had no value. Me, the knight, Sir Jude the Chivalrous and Honorable. Promises that not only were worthless, but were not wanted. They were handed back to me.
In some ways, this was a relief. I made those promises without /my/ best intentions in mind, and perhaps it was time to get back to me. I also wasn't doing a very good job with them. Said someone wasn't happy. Happy was my job in a lot of ways, wasn't it? So it is time to move on, that's true, and I can totally accept that, even though I'm carrying a bag full of mislaid promises. Sometimes Honor Sucks.
This new freedom has allowed me to admit other feelings for other people, and that is a very cool and giddy thing. At the same time, it sets my overly-metacognitive mind a-whirring. Is this a good idea? Am I going to end up making everyone unhappy? Am I being fair? Am I setting myself onto a path of more promises, more honor, more 'thanks but no thanks' five years down the road? Or three? Or one? Is it fair to receive when one can't reciprocate? Is it fair to want people to crush on you and give you affection when you don't know if you can give it back? Is it fair to want affection from more than one person at the same time for different reasons? When someone says they understand, do they? When someone says that they know that a relationship isn't even a consideration for me at this time (and maybe not ever), do they still want one anyway? Are they hoping I change my mind? When they say, "Yours," do they mean, "Mine"? When they say, "I work well with Princesses," do they mean, "But I wish I didn't have to"?
I have so many conflicting emotions that transcribed themselves into dreams that began about terrorists and ended up about self-mutilation. (The connection? The box cutter knife that I saw at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
binkiegirl's when we were unpacking.) I carved so many words into my flesh in my dreams. (Note: I have never self-mutilated. I have no idea where my unconscious got this idea.)
Hurt.
Loyalty.
Lesbian.
Best Friend.
Butterflies.
Betrayal.
Honor.
Chivalry.
Justice.
Fairness.
Crush.
Love.
Love.
Love.
What does this mean? It means I got very little sleep, but aside from the obvious, I'm not entirely sure. It means that I'm in over my head. I have feelings that I promised myself I wouldn't, and I'm not letting myself enjoy them because I'm beating myself up about them. I have other feelings that add to the mix and sometimes it's like I'm in a spin-dryer. Bump. Bump. Bump.
Princesses love like their lives depend on it. Ninjas withstand their pain silently in the corner. And knights?
Knights slay dragons to feel powerful. Knights rescue damsels to be adored. Knights strive to be useful, because useful makes you feel good without making you vulnerable. Love is for princesses. Stoicism is for ninjas. Avoidance is for knights.
Every word I carved, every line left a little bit of blood. There wasn't much, not at first, because the blade was so sharp. There was no pain, only heat. The words glowed red with histamine and blood. I talked myself down from cutting off my left ring finger, and my breasts. I 'wrote' on my forehead, my chest, my stomach, my thighs, my arms. Not my calves. Not my neck. Not my shoulders. I carved her name on one palm, and hers on the other, and after kissing them both I pressed my hands together. In the heat. In the sting.
I was going to make this friends-only, because it documents extra-marital thought. Fuck it. Here comes little, naked me. Time for class.
~//~
In December of 1997 I made a promise to someone that I would marry them. I made a promise that I would stand by them no matter what. That I would love them, and they would love me, and that come what may, we would work things out. In August of 1999 I reaffirmed those promises in front of about 200 people, most of whom I care a great deal for (and some of you are out here in LJ-land, whee!). In July of 2001 I learned that my promises had no value. Me, the knight, Sir Jude the Chivalrous and Honorable. Promises that not only were worthless, but were not wanted. They were handed back to me.
In some ways, this was a relief. I made those promises without /my/ best intentions in mind, and perhaps it was time to get back to me. I also wasn't doing a very good job with them. Said someone wasn't happy. Happy was my job in a lot of ways, wasn't it? So it is time to move on, that's true, and I can totally accept that, even though I'm carrying a bag full of mislaid promises. Sometimes Honor Sucks.
This new freedom has allowed me to admit other feelings for other people, and that is a very cool and giddy thing. At the same time, it sets my overly-metacognitive mind a-whirring. Is this a good idea? Am I going to end up making everyone unhappy? Am I being fair? Am I setting myself onto a path of more promises, more honor, more 'thanks but no thanks' five years down the road? Or three? Or one? Is it fair to receive when one can't reciprocate? Is it fair to want people to crush on you and give you affection when you don't know if you can give it back? Is it fair to want affection from more than one person at the same time for different reasons? When someone says they understand, do they? When someone says that they know that a relationship isn't even a consideration for me at this time (and maybe not ever), do they still want one anyway? Are they hoping I change my mind? When they say, "Yours," do they mean, "Mine"? When they say, "I work well with Princesses," do they mean, "But I wish I didn't have to"?
I have so many conflicting emotions that transcribed themselves into dreams that began about terrorists and ended up about self-mutilation. (The connection? The box cutter knife that I saw at
binkiegirl's when we were unpacking.) I carved so many words into my flesh in my dreams. (Note: I have never self-mutilated. I have no idea where my unconscious got this idea.)Hurt.
Loyalty.
Lesbian.
Best Friend.
Butterflies.
Betrayal.
Honor.
Chivalry.
Justice.
Fairness.
Crush.
Love.
Love.
Love.
What does this mean? It means I got very little sleep, but aside from the obvious, I'm not entirely sure. It means that I'm in over my head. I have feelings that I promised myself I wouldn't, and I'm not letting myself enjoy them because I'm beating myself up about them. I have other feelings that add to the mix and sometimes it's like I'm in a spin-dryer. Bump. Bump. Bump.
Princesses love like their lives depend on it. Ninjas withstand their pain silently in the corner. And knights?
Knights slay dragons to feel powerful. Knights rescue damsels to be adored. Knights strive to be useful, because useful makes you feel good without making you vulnerable. Love is for princesses. Stoicism is for ninjas. Avoidance is for knights.
Every word I carved, every line left a little bit of blood. There wasn't much, not at first, because the blade was so sharp. There was no pain, only heat. The words glowed red with histamine and blood. I talked myself down from cutting off my left ring finger, and my breasts. I 'wrote' on my forehead, my chest, my stomach, my thighs, my arms. Not my calves. Not my neck. Not my shoulders. I carved her name on one palm, and hers on the other, and after kissing them both I pressed my hands together. In the heat. In the sting.
I was going to make this friends-only, because it documents extra-marital thought. Fuck it. Here comes little, naked me. Time for class.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
overwhelmed should have an icon.
Date: 2001-09-27 10:04 am (UTC)I can feel where you are at on so many levels. I can appreciate (I won't say understand, because how could I?) all that is going on for you, internally and externally. I feel like I was having many of the same debates (in dreams or no) not all that long ago. If you need to talk, vent, whatever... let me know.
Re: overwhelmed should have an icon.
Date: 2001-09-27 12:00 pm (UTC)Right now, I don't know that I can formulate my thoughts enough to accurately have a conversation. What I really wish, though, would be for you and me to go jump through some crunchy autumn leaves, drink some cider, carve a pumpkin, and I could metaphorically show you that right now I'm in the 'autumn' of my life in a lot of ways.
Wow. I'm so fecking cerebral sometimes. Just whack me. :)
Re: overwhelmed should have an icon.
Date: 2001-09-28 06:13 am (UTC)Can we have candy apples too!?!!? :)
Re: overwhelmed should have an icon.
Date: 2001-09-28 06:15 am (UTC)Re: overwhelmed should have an icon.
Date: 2001-09-28 06:17 am (UTC)Re: overwhelmed should have an icon.
Date: 2001-09-28 06:30 am (UTC)I know I'm not alone, and I wasn't feeling alone then, either. I was just trying to process some stuff that, unfortunately, didn't come out the way I wanted it to.
Aah well, live and learn, right? Note to self: Don't work things out in LJ. Work them out with the /people/ first.
no subject
Date: 2001-09-27 10:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-09-27 12:22 pm (UTC)*THANK YOU*
no subject
Date: 2001-09-27 11:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-09-27 11:59 am (UTC)If you don't mind.
no subject
Date: 2001-09-27 12:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-09-27 12:23 pm (UTC)Maybe some day when I re-learn what the words "free time" mean.
That said, I'm off to make another poster. Word.
no subject
Date: 2001-09-27 11:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-09-27 11:58 am (UTC)For, like, my whole life. :)
no subject
Date: 2001-09-27 03:03 pm (UTC)(The kittens are on my lap at the moment, facinated by the typing thing.)
no subject
Date: 2001-09-27 06:27 pm (UTC)...
Date: 2001-09-27 03:12 pm (UTC)I love you.
I honestly don't know a whole lot about what's going on in your life, on a personal level - just what I read in your LJ - but if you need someone to vent to, or someone to laugh with, or someone to just shoot the shit with, you call me.
*HUGS*
Your Evil Twin
Re: ...
Date: 2001-09-27 06:27 pm (UTC)However, the idea of calling to laugh is very appealing. I am mulling the idea over in my warped little mind.
Smooch.
The Good One
Re: ...
Date: 2001-09-27 07:14 pm (UTC)*hugs*
The Evil Twin
Re: ...
Date: 2001-09-28 10:22 am (UTC)~The Good One