Miles and miles of piles

[judecorp]

I went on a co-visit to a day care first thing this morning with Coworker Amanda, and while there I realized I forgot my cell phone at home. She was gracious enough to give me a couple of minutes' worth of a detour to stop at home and pick it up. I bribed her with the opportunity to pet some cute cats (her roommates are allergic), and she went along with it. Of course, the minute she walked into the apartment, I realized that the bed was a disaster, Jen's pile of already-worn sweaters was leaking out into the main area, there was street sand everywhere, the clean laundry was still all over the kitchen table, and the counter was overflowing with junk. I was so embarrassed that I decided that I would be better suited spending my Friday evening cleaning the apartment than trying to make any plans.

It looks a lot better now, and I feel a little less anxious about all of the clutter and mess. Ugh. I hate that there is just /crap/ everywhere, like piles of half-opened junk mail and 8749827 pairs of shoes and mussed up blankets and art supplies on every surface and inside-out sweaters and balls of cat hair and god knows what else. I just can't deal.

~//~

It's disheartening to know that queerphobia is still alive and well in the land of same-sex marriage. I found out yesterday that one of the kids I work with has some problem where his anal sphnicter is too tight, which causes severe constipation and painful defecation. But his dad won't let him have the surgery that would help loosen it up because he's convinced that the surgery (and a 'looser' anus) will make him gay.

Also, a three-year-old girl at a day care I visit spent several minutes asking me, "Why are you talking like that?" and I had no idea what she was talking about. After the third or fourth time I asked, "Talking like what?" she finally answered, "Like a girl." When I said, "I /am/ a girl," she became very indignant and told me that I was not. And every time I said something for the rest of the visit, she became quite upset and would yell, "Stop talking like that!" It was a little, erm, distracting.

Comments

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

Are you joking about the surgery guy? Because if not......wow. Just, wow.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

No way I could have invented a joke like that. It would have never occured to me.

[livinginoctober.livejournal.com]

My boyfriend gets that a lot with his little girl cousins..."If you are a girl, why don't you wear makeup? Or why is your hair so short?"

That part about the little boy both saddens and angers me to a point of madness! Ugh..some people should not be parents.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't think he's a bad parent. I think he's a misinformed parent. And I think there's a big difference. He's doing what he thinks is best for his child - after all, the boy's doing well enough with prune juice and the occasional laxative.

I'm just blown away that he honestly and truly believes that rectal surgery will somehow affect his son's sexual orientation. (And that it matters either way.)

[bellabooks.livejournal.com]

"I found out yesterday that one of the kids I work with has some problem where his anal sphnicter is too tight, which causes severe constipation and painful defecation. But his dad won't let him have the surgery that would help loosen it up because he's convinced that the surgery (and a 'looser' anus) will make him gay."

Some people should not be allowed to procreate. I want a baby so much, and once I have one I know that I will spend every day trying to give him the best life he could possibly live. Sometimes I just cannot comprehend other people. How could you possibly look at a sweet baby and deny him the chance to live a life without pain? How can he stand to face his little boy every day knowing that he is hurting him when he should be nurturing him? Gah! I give you a lot of credit, Jude. I simply could not do your job. I would not be able to get over my own shit enough to actually be able to do something good and worthwile. I am so thankful that there are people like you in this world.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I suppose I don't see him as someone who is harming his child, necessarily. I see him as someone who could be making his child's life easier but is choosing not to at this time. (I also know that Mom thinks Dad is crazy about this and plans to get the surgery if Dad ever leaves town on vacation or something. Heh. Mom is awesome.) They are currently treating the issue in other ways, with prune juice and suppositories and stool softeners and such.

Unfortunately, the reality of the world is that /most/ parents (even really good ones!) don't raise children the way I personally think is best for children or how I would raise my own. The sheer number of families that use infant formula ASTOUNDS and HORRIFIES me, for example. I suppose this particular Dad's beliefs are a bit more "extreme" than parents with beliefs that formula is good for babies... but they still both go against my personal beliefs. And still, the nature of my job (and my professional philosophies) is such that my personal agenda should not come out in my dealings with parents. (I do offer occasional suggestions, but that's about it. I'm really all about empowering families to take care of their children their own ways.)

The other thing is that working with inner city families is so fascinating because there are so many cultural and ethnic factors that come into play. It's not all that surprising that this particular man has strong feelings about homosexuality, given his cultural background. I'm glad I'm able to respect this family (and other families) enough to step back and offer support, not instructions.

If the prune juice and stuff wasn't working out, that would be a different story.

just my opinion

[poopsmoothie.livejournal.com]

I personally find infant formula a little more acceptable, if only because breastfeeding can be a really unbearably painful and complicated situation. With this situation, the dad would only have to throw down some cash (I'm assuming he HAS the cash; if not, it's kinda different), but isn't just because of a ridiculous and illogical prejudice. So I think it's worse.

As for where you draw the line with cultural influences, that's not a can of worms I'm prepared to get into tonight. :)

Re: just my opinion

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Actually, he doesn't have the cash, but the child does have state medical insurance. So it's not necessarily a financial issue. (Which isn't to say social class isn't involved, just that the medical treatment would be covered.)

Yes, breastfeeding can be complicated and/or painful, and it's not easy. But it's still the best choice (IMO). There are alternatives (like there is in this poop situation) but they are less good.

[buddhafly4224.livejournal.com]

in this day i really feel like parents need to be licensed. also, bigotry even in the form of innocence coming from a kid still really hurts. cause you know that kid learned to construct these gender roles from our society and i can identify with how upsetting that is. like when i had short hair while student teaching and the same little girl kept asking me if i was a boy because it's not ok to have short hair and be a girl. :/

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's so true that kids learn constructs like gender from their parents (and also society at large). It's tough with some inner city kids because there are so many levels and layers of oppression, and so many oppressed people help ameliorate some of their own oppression by feeling "above" other minority and marginalized groups. I'm always so intrigued when I find out that certain ethnic and racial minorities hate other minorities, etc., but I guess I can mentally see where it's coming from.

The African-American community, especially in the US, has been traditionally and stereotypically homophobic. I'm sure the strong religious influences in this culture play a role in the whole thing. But I /am/ surprised that the girl had such strong views about gender presentation based on hair and clothing, since it's fairly common among inner city African-American women to wear unisex or "men's" clothing (like sports jerseys and stuff), and for African-American men to grow their hair longer and wear cornrows and stuff. So I was a bit surprised by the whole gender bit. Heck, I look /so/ /much/ /girlier/ now than I did even last year.

[lemur68.livejournal.com]

Man, that's beyond simple homophobia, that's...that's like using phrenology to explain differences in race....

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It totally blew me away. I would never have expected it from him. It's a good thing I heard it second-hand (through his wife), since I don't know if I could have maintained a poker face.

[thatpatti.livejournal.com]

excuse my language, but what the FUCK is wrong with that guy? my god, that poor baby!! :(

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

He honestly believes it. I dunno... I bet he's not the other person who thinks this way, you know? It takes all kinds.

I just hope that if the laxative-type-stuff they've been using stops working, he'll reconsider. Or that Mom will eventually be able to veto him. ;)

[sudrin.livejournal.com]

Everyone knows homosexuality is stored in the "anus"! Wow.. Boggle..

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I think I'll just start referring to it as my "gay hole."

[gimmeapony.livejournal.com]

I just laughed SO HARD at that.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

:)

[cfred.livejournal.com]

I worry a little for the health of the father now. What's he going to do when it comes time for ye olde prostate exam?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I dunno. Maybe it only affects impressionable children?

[skiadaimonos.livejournal.com]

Ouch...

For whatever it's worth, the little girl at least has hope.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Enlighten me! :)

[skiadaimonos.livejournal.com]

Just that the way gender is presented to kids is usually very "matter of fact" so i guess it is to be expected that they take it as a "natural" thing, but that understanding can still change. Just got this impression that as dogmatic as kids can appear they have better changes of grasping social construction than adults

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh, I see what you're saying now.

Yeah, kids are a lot more fluid than us crotchety old grown-ups are!

[poopsmoothie.livejournal.com]

a) the 'surgery will make my kid gay' thing is right up there with the soymilk thing.

b) as re: voice, I heard a very similar story last night at the Tranny Roadshow. My friend was talking about how he taught first graders for awhile, and how they would have huge arguments in front of him about his gender. he wasn't out to his job at the time as trans, so the other teachers would yell at the kids and then reassure him that he was very pretty and feminine. that was the only part he really minded.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it doesn't really /bother/ me that the kid was actively inquiring about my gender... I was just really surprised because I look a hell of a lot more feminine that I used to!

[hopemcg.livejournal.com]

Hmm... Makes me wonder if something happened to him when he was younger that makes him so frightened to do this for him son.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Good point. I hadn't thought of that.