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judecorpThough I've kept busy, this has been a pretty uneventful weekend. The cold, rainy weather certainly contributed to the lack of excitement, I'm sure, because everything seems more exciting when it's sunny and you're outdoors. Aah well, I think a lazy weekend every once in a while is probably good for me.
Friday night, Jen and I plowed through the next disc of Queer as Folk: Season 4 that we received from Netflix. We watched the three episodes from Disc Two and are lapping them up like candy. I don't know why I'm so drawn to that show when I'm pretty nonplussed about The L Word. Maybe I just haven't given The L Word a chance. I know I enjoyed it when we would watch it on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chutup's space bed but I can't get into it in our own house. I guess we just miss chutup.
Saturday I did a bunch of chore-type things and also drove around trying to procure a suitable birthday gift for my four-year-old friend, Hannah. I went to Marshalls to see what was up in the world of spring clothes for grown-ups (as I really don't have any) and learned that a) the only things you can buy are capri pants and b) I look ridiculous in capri pants. So I ditched Marshalls and had fatty and greasy Friendly's lunch withgala and hoo. I also bumped into the five-year-old brother of one of the little guys I visit for work, which was a little surreal because his grandparents clearly had no idea why he was waving to a goofy old lady with a lot of piercings. Saturday night, Jen and I went out for cheap sushi at Zen320 in Brookline after watching a hundred hours of I Love the 80s on VH1. We ate so much sushi that we came home and promptly fell asleep. I wish I was joking.
Today we headed tosiercia and scirocco's place to attend Hannah's birthday party, which was just adorable and she got a lot of quality loot. After eating party food and much cakeness, Jen and I got gas, got groceries (where I actually ran into the aunt of the /same client/ - freaky deaky), and have basically just been chilling, doing some laundry, watching some television. I kind of wish I'd done something of substance this weekend but at the same time, I think sometimes I just need the rest. (I should have gone to the gym, though.)
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life, the world, my place in the world, and other random topics that often only serve to make me kind of sad. I think about the past year and I'm pretty sure it's time for me to safely say that while I enjoy the adventure, I think moving here was the wrong decision for me for a lot of reasons. I know that I haven't been much of myself the whole time I've been here which doesn't help. It kind of turns everything into a vicious cycle of blah.
I just don't feel like I fit in here in the way that I did in the past. Coming back here has been a lot like going back in time but without the fun and carefree-ness of being a full-time student without a lot of responsibilities and no clear direction. I can't believe I made it work last time making $600/month, but somehow I did and I guess that was half of the fun. Now I have these crazy adult responsibilities like a full-time job I'm not really jazzed about, a long-term car payment for a car I don't really like, ridiculous insurance premiums, and astronomical rent. I guess being a grown-up really takes the fun out of things.
I'm having a hard time connecting with people and I'm sure it's 100% my fault, but that doesn't make it any less hard. I enjoy being a social worker but I really pour every drop of energy into my work during the day and never seem to know what kind of day it will be until the very end of it. I enjoy making spontaneous plans with people because if the day has gone well, at the end of it I want to do something fun... and if it hasn't, well, that's what reality television is for. It's hard to make any kind of spontaneous plans here because everyone's schedule is different, everyone is coupled up and kind of doing their own things, and we're all spread out all over this whole metro area. I'm finding that we're planning things upwards of two weeks in advance with people and I'm just not great at functioning like that.
I'm pretty positive I'm pretty depressed here, which hasn't made me a good friend or a good partner. Jen and I have argued and disagreed more during our 10 months here than in the previous two and a half years, and about the most ridiculous and useless things. Our relationship has really gotten quite rocky and that terrifies me to no end. I know that packing and moving isn't a cure for that any more than moving here guaranteed us good jobs, but I also know that I am edgy and snappy here in a way that wasn't true for me last year.
I don't know where any of this typing is going except to bum me out more. I have to go back to work tomorrow and while I don't dread this job anywhere near the child welfare gig, I still am not looking forward to another week with the under-threes doing something I have little to no training in. Coworkers keep dropping like flies and we're always just putting out one fire after another in the office trying to cover caseloads and deliver services. Aah, the curse of social services.
I just miss the feeling of home I left behind when I left my family in Columbus. My friend Chris was teasing me about how I knew a lot of people in Columbus, and that's only part of the appeal. Sure, sheer numbers are good for the ego, but a select few were good for the heart. They know who they are, and they know I'm aching for them.
At this moment, I don't know if packing everything up and calling this a year of experience would actually fix anything, but it's a hell of an appealing idea.
Friday night, Jen and I plowed through the next disc of Queer as Folk: Season 4 that we received from Netflix. We watched the three episodes from Disc Two and are lapping them up like candy. I don't know why I'm so drawn to that show when I'm pretty nonplussed about The L Word. Maybe I just haven't given The L Word a chance. I know I enjoyed it when we would watch it on
chutup's space bed but I can't get into it in our own house. I guess we just miss chutup.Saturday I did a bunch of chore-type things and also drove around trying to procure a suitable birthday gift for my four-year-old friend, Hannah. I went to Marshalls to see what was up in the world of spring clothes for grown-ups (as I really don't have any) and learned that a) the only things you can buy are capri pants and b) I look ridiculous in capri pants. So I ditched Marshalls and had fatty and greasy Friendly's lunch with
gala and hoo. I also bumped into the five-year-old brother of one of the little guys I visit for work, which was a little surreal because his grandparents clearly had no idea why he was waving to a goofy old lady with a lot of piercings. Saturday night, Jen and I went out for cheap sushi at Zen320 in Brookline after watching a hundred hours of I Love the 80s on VH1. We ate so much sushi that we came home and promptly fell asleep. I wish I was joking.Today we headed to
siercia and scirocco's place to attend Hannah's birthday party, which was just adorable and she got a lot of quality loot. After eating party food and much cakeness, Jen and I got gas, got groceries (where I actually ran into the aunt of the /same client/ - freaky deaky), and have basically just been chilling, doing some laundry, watching some television. I kind of wish I'd done something of substance this weekend but at the same time, I think sometimes I just need the rest. (I should have gone to the gym, though.)I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life, the world, my place in the world, and other random topics that often only serve to make me kind of sad. I think about the past year and I'm pretty sure it's time for me to safely say that while I enjoy the adventure, I think moving here was the wrong decision for me for a lot of reasons. I know that I haven't been much of myself the whole time I've been here which doesn't help. It kind of turns everything into a vicious cycle of blah.
I just don't feel like I fit in here in the way that I did in the past. Coming back here has been a lot like going back in time but without the fun and carefree-ness of being a full-time student without a lot of responsibilities and no clear direction. I can't believe I made it work last time making $600/month, but somehow I did and I guess that was half of the fun. Now I have these crazy adult responsibilities like a full-time job I'm not really jazzed about, a long-term car payment for a car I don't really like, ridiculous insurance premiums, and astronomical rent. I guess being a grown-up really takes the fun out of things.
I'm having a hard time connecting with people and I'm sure it's 100% my fault, but that doesn't make it any less hard. I enjoy being a social worker but I really pour every drop of energy into my work during the day and never seem to know what kind of day it will be until the very end of it. I enjoy making spontaneous plans with people because if the day has gone well, at the end of it I want to do something fun... and if it hasn't, well, that's what reality television is for. It's hard to make any kind of spontaneous plans here because everyone's schedule is different, everyone is coupled up and kind of doing their own things, and we're all spread out all over this whole metro area. I'm finding that we're planning things upwards of two weeks in advance with people and I'm just not great at functioning like that.
I'm pretty positive I'm pretty depressed here, which hasn't made me a good friend or a good partner. Jen and I have argued and disagreed more during our 10 months here than in the previous two and a half years, and about the most ridiculous and useless things. Our relationship has really gotten quite rocky and that terrifies me to no end. I know that packing and moving isn't a cure for that any more than moving here guaranteed us good jobs, but I also know that I am edgy and snappy here in a way that wasn't true for me last year.
I don't know where any of this typing is going except to bum me out more. I have to go back to work tomorrow and while I don't dread this job anywhere near the child welfare gig, I still am not looking forward to another week with the under-threes doing something I have little to no training in. Coworkers keep dropping like flies and we're always just putting out one fire after another in the office trying to cover caseloads and deliver services. Aah, the curse of social services.
I just miss the feeling of home I left behind when I left my family in Columbus. My friend Chris was teasing me about how I knew a lot of people in Columbus, and that's only part of the appeal. Sure, sheer numbers are good for the ego, but a select few were good for the heart. They know who they are, and they know I'm aching for them.
At this moment, I don't know if packing everything up and calling this a year of experience would actually fix anything, but it's a hell of an appealing idea.
