my mind's distracted and diffuse, my thoughts are many miles away

[judecorp]

Though I've kept busy, this has been a pretty uneventful weekend. The cold, rainy weather certainly contributed to the lack of excitement, I'm sure, because everything seems more exciting when it's sunny and you're outdoors. Aah well, I think a lazy weekend every once in a while is probably good for me.

Friday night, Jen and I plowed through the next disc of Queer as Folk: Season 4 that we received from Netflix. We watched the three episodes from Disc Two and are lapping them up like candy. I don't know why I'm so drawn to that show when I'm pretty nonplussed about The L Word. Maybe I just haven't given The L Word a chance. I know I enjoyed it when we would watch it on chutup's space bed but I can't get into it in our own house. I guess we just miss chutup.

Saturday I did a bunch of chore-type things and also drove around trying to procure a suitable birthday gift for my four-year-old friend, Hannah. I went to Marshalls to see what was up in the world of spring clothes for grown-ups (as I really don't have any) and learned that a) the only things you can buy are capri pants and b) I look ridiculous in capri pants. So I ditched Marshalls and had fatty and greasy Friendly's lunch with gala and hoo. I also bumped into the five-year-old brother of one of the little guys I visit for work, which was a little surreal because his grandparents clearly had no idea why he was waving to a goofy old lady with a lot of piercings. Saturday night, Jen and I went out for cheap sushi at Zen320 in Brookline after watching a hundred hours of I Love the 80s on VH1. We ate so much sushi that we came home and promptly fell asleep. I wish I was joking.

Today we headed to siercia and scirocco's place to attend Hannah's birthday party, which was just adorable and she got a lot of quality loot. After eating party food and much cakeness, Jen and I got gas, got groceries (where I actually ran into the aunt of the /same client/ - freaky deaky), and have basically just been chilling, doing some laundry, watching some television. I kind of wish I'd done something of substance this weekend but at the same time, I think sometimes I just need the rest. (I should have gone to the gym, though.)

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life, the world, my place in the world, and other random topics that often only serve to make me kind of sad. I think about the past year and I'm pretty sure it's time for me to safely say that while I enjoy the adventure, I think moving here was the wrong decision for me for a lot of reasons. I know that I haven't been much of myself the whole time I've been here which doesn't help. It kind of turns everything into a vicious cycle of blah.

I just don't feel like I fit in here in the way that I did in the past. Coming back here has been a lot like going back in time but without the fun and carefree-ness of being a full-time student without a lot of responsibilities and no clear direction. I can't believe I made it work last time making $600/month, but somehow I did and I guess that was half of the fun. Now I have these crazy adult responsibilities like a full-time job I'm not really jazzed about, a long-term car payment for a car I don't really like, ridiculous insurance premiums, and astronomical rent. I guess being a grown-up really takes the fun out of things.

I'm having a hard time connecting with people and I'm sure it's 100% my fault, but that doesn't make it any less hard. I enjoy being a social worker but I really pour every drop of energy into my work during the day and never seem to know what kind of day it will be until the very end of it. I enjoy making spontaneous plans with people because if the day has gone well, at the end of it I want to do something fun... and if it hasn't, well, that's what reality television is for. It's hard to make any kind of spontaneous plans here because everyone's schedule is different, everyone is coupled up and kind of doing their own things, and we're all spread out all over this whole metro area. I'm finding that we're planning things upwards of two weeks in advance with people and I'm just not great at functioning like that.

I'm pretty positive I'm pretty depressed here, which hasn't made me a good friend or a good partner. Jen and I have argued and disagreed more during our 10 months here than in the previous two and a half years, and about the most ridiculous and useless things. Our relationship has really gotten quite rocky and that terrifies me to no end. I know that packing and moving isn't a cure for that any more than moving here guaranteed us good jobs, but I also know that I am edgy and snappy here in a way that wasn't true for me last year.

I don't know where any of this typing is going except to bum me out more. I have to go back to work tomorrow and while I don't dread this job anywhere near the child welfare gig, I still am not looking forward to another week with the under-threes doing something I have little to no training in. Coworkers keep dropping like flies and we're always just putting out one fire after another in the office trying to cover caseloads and deliver services. Aah, the curse of social services.

I just miss the feeling of home I left behind when I left my family in Columbus. My friend Chris was teasing me about how I knew a lot of people in Columbus, and that's only part of the appeal. Sure, sheer numbers are good for the ego, but a select few were good for the heart. They know who they are, and they know I'm aching for them.

At this moment, I don't know if packing everything up and calling this a year of experience would actually fix anything, but it's a hell of an appealing idea.

Comments

[prettyvacantone.livejournal.com]

I don't have any sage advice, only hugs and to tell that whatever your decision may be, Columbus loves you and misses you dearly. I don't think anyone would consider you to be a failure if you came back here so that you could start making your family dreams a reality. At the same time, I know how much it would hurt you to have to have made all the sacrifices that you did to leave, only to turn around and come back. It's a very tough decision...and I hope something can point you in the right direction.

*hugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I don't really see anything as a failure, really. Except maybe my marriage - that was a total failure. But not moving. I see it as an experience that might or might not work. We'll see, right?

I just want a baby! And a house to put a baby in! Whine whine whine!

(And I wish I could have seen the Reacharounds reunion show. Poo.)

[bluekniggit.livejournal.com]

Queer as Folk just seems a better written show, though I can't say that I've seen much of either of them. It's also the "original" whereas the other is a knockoff. That's a couple minus points right away.

Other than the obvious thematic connection, I don't see any reason why they both should be good. Most TV sucks anyway. :)

I'm too depressed myself to respond well to any of the rest. But TV is a universal topic.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you're right about the minus points for knockoffs. Also, Queer as Folk just seems like a show with more substance, whereas The L Word is a bunch of chicks with a lot of makeup on getting into arguments with each other. It's too much like my own life (minus the makeup! HA!).

And you're right that most TV sucks. Except cheesy reality TV! Come over and watch!

p.s. Go to Game Night on Saturday.

[buddhafly4224.livejournal.com]

my friends and i have also been watching QAF all weekend. coincedence? i think not. also, QAF is soooo much better than the L word. does that make us bad lesbians?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I don't think you have to like The L Word to be a good lesbian. I think you just have to like chicks.

[whirledpeas.livejournal.com]

i love you
and support you

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I way love you. No really. There is an empty space in my heart where our date nights used to be.

[folkyboy.livejournal.com]

we actually talked a lot about this before so i understand where you're coming from. i hope there's SOMEWAY to make things suitable for you here otherwise you're going to be completely burned out, like you said.

i think you're a very special person and i do enjoy your company but not at the expense of your overall happiness. i wish there was a way you could find a niche in the community here and branch out into something more lively that would capture your jovial attitude. i know you're not always Miss Cranky Pants. ¤hugs¤

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yes I am! I am Ms. Cranky Pants ALL THE TIME.

Pants pants pants pants!

[siercia]

Like I told Jen today - although we would miss you if you went back to Columbus, we would still love you. And you need to do what's right for YOU and HER, not what you think other people wany or will think you should do.

I hope you can figure it out.

[scirocco.livejournal.com]

Agreed. BosTIM now isn't BosTIM then, because we're not all free-wheeling college students with no money. We've all grown in different directions, in terms of jobs, lives, family responsibilities, etc. It's not 100% you, it's 100% life.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, and it's not even just the TIMsters (because while it would be lovely to just blame some external group, it's just not the truth)... life up and moved a significant amount since I left in 1998, and I think it would have been different if I'd been there the whole time to watch it all happen or something... but I dunno, it's just all weird.

We're all grown-ups. Well, all except me. I will SO never be a grown-up.

[scirocco.livejournal.com]

Well, yeah. I mean, we're OLDER, and we have some of the things older folks are supposed to do, but we're NOT grown up. That just makes it harder in a lot of ways.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dude you guys are way grown up. You have real jobs and a house and a brilliant four-year-old!!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's just that neither one of us is particularly jazzed about making yet another decision about this stuff. Blah. I wish there was some sort of, you know, Big Person In The Sky that would just tell me what to do. ;)

[livinginfits.livejournal.com]

first... i want to say that i understand jude. you don't have to be afraid to express the fact that you're totally in love with me. i know that being away from me is tearing you apart in ways that you can't describe. see, i have this thing... i'm not happy about it... but it's addictive. it's called bessert. i used it on you quite frequently, and it wasn't fair.

second... you should have known... you can never go back. things are never the same as you left them. worse than anything else are the grown-ups. those people who replaced your friends. sadly, just as things weren't the same as you remembered in boston, they won't be the same here, either. the faces change...

i guess part of it is making your home where you are... making your friends where you can. i hope you start to find your home in boston, but i would also be happy if you came back here.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Okay let me make it totally clear that I am not in love with you, I am in love with Lucky and Devil. Although you did try to win me over with the power of bessert, it was you shaving my head on your porch when I was topless that really sealed the deal for us. And all of the Unemployed Alcoholics Happy Hours. (Damn, I wish I lived somewhere cheap enough to live for a whole summer without a frickin' job.)

And you know, I didn't expect to come back here and have things be the same. On the contrary, I expected them to be different, but in a different way than they actually are different. I guess I kind of expected that the people I used to know and love and I would hang out and get to know each other again as grown-ups. That just hasn't happened, because everyone got too busy or something. I think everyone changes, sure, but when you're around to watch the changes it doesn't seem like such a big deal. Heck, even YOU changed in the years I've known you. But I won't tell anyone.

Things had already started getting dramatically different over there before I left... things were crashing all over the place and everyone was splintering into their own groups. But I still felt like a part of... something, even in the midst of all that splintering.

Really, I just want more bessert. Dude, you would not believe how much hair I have now.

p.s You're a really smart guy. I miss you.

home

[dyketit.livejournal.com]

I know you have written about this and i have commented before and nothing seems too different this time than the last, but .. i hve no great advice. we moved home to ohio becasue that is what it is - home.os here we are here in ohio (not columbus though that has been an option for awile) and every day we get closer to having a family and i get more freaked out about the state of our dearly beloved state. im so afraid to have children here. to not have the protection that say, Mass offers... but then i read about you and jen in the mystical land of civil unions and i realize that we'd never make it there either... why feel lost and poor with 75% of the rights when i can feel at home and (not really)wealthy with 0% (or so it seems) right now we are seriosly thinking about moving to canada.. but that takes a LONG time and lots of MONEY. there really is no easy way no easy answer. we are happier here than we were far from home but without the rights we need we dont feel safe and secure and are basically scared shitless in regards to the future of the children we want so badly.. so ummmm... depression loves company right? i dunno just dont move here for the wrong reasons, "home" isnt the answer we wished it would have been

Re: home

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You raise a very good point, and we do talk about the political climate and our rights quite a bit. In fact, the whole political climate/marriage rights thing was definitely a pro when we were thinking about moving.

And it's true that we can get legally married here, and that is great. It is fantastic to live in a state that would legally recognize our rights as a family, at least right now. (They're still lobbying hard to get things overturned.) I don't know, really, how much of an impact getting legally married in MA really has, though, when there is no federal recognition and in most cases no legal recognition outside of the state. I'm sort of stuck on the whole idea of being "married in MA but not married in the US." It seems sort of counterproductive and confusing to me. I mean, we can file joint taxes and be married in MA, but we have to file separate taxes and be single for the Feds. So how many rights do we really have?

The biggest question, though, is how likely are we to even be /able/ to have a family here, given the expense and our financial situation. The answer is, for now, it would never happen now and probably couldn't happen for several years. That's kind of unacceptable to us because we really had planned to start trying to start a family .last. November and we had to push our plans back because of expenses. And that doesn't sit well with us.

So we can live in a state that would recognize our family but not be able to afford to have one, or have a family in a state that wouldn't really recognize our status so we would need to draft our legal protections in other ways. Which is more important - the rights or the family?

Re: home

[dyketit.livejournal.com]

that is exactly where we are in our thinking. as i type i am further looking into canada and immigration there. i really cant stand the idea of having children here, and by here i mean the US as a whole. we pay taxes to a government that refuses to recognize our family, that refuses to legislate safety measures for us and living in ohio only makes it more clear. i really dont have advise but since every time i speak of children and kates and my future i speak of your journal and how even the best the us has to offer isnt. i guess i just want to let you know you are not alone in your struggles/confusion.
as far as the relationship issues i would chalk that up to stress and yes alot of that is related to boston im sure.. when we lived in texas we fought so much. i was miserable, we were lonely, working dead end jobs etc here we fight far les but at the same time we are stagnating. we can afford to have children but that idea is as scarey as it is tempting, we have jobs in fields we enjoy but the low cost of living here is related to the pay so we know we cant make too much more than we do now, esp as ohio's economy fails under taft's rule more and more everyday. we would like to buy a home but that is such a commitment to a place that we arent so comfortable with politcally, ecomically etc. i really dont know but i do thank you for the insight your journal offers as it would be easy to take the "well it is the best that they offer" approach and fantasize that mass and "civil unions" are really enough.

Re: home

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Canada is pretty good, laws-wise, but it's just too damned cold for me. Plus, I guess I'm too much of a fighter to just go to another country - I really REALLY want to help make THIS country better. Even if that's a pipe dream.

Well, we went back to Columbus for a visit and I have totally mixed feelings. It was weird to see so many stereotypical Ohioans, and I think part of my misfitness was that I was staying with a friend in Worthington. I know that as soon as I drove through my old neighborhood, I felt a lot better. I sure do like it out there.

Life is so complex.

[kungfoogirl.livejournal.com]

Just make the decision TOGETHER.

Us libras have a habit of giving in too much, in hopes of making those around us happier. And while that's noble, it's not a good decision making strategy.

And also, I think that waiting too long to make a decision isn't the best idea. I'm envious of people that are able to be decisive AND still manage to make good decisions. Think. Decide. DO. (as opposed to Think. Decide. Reconsider. Double check. Think some more just to be sure. And then do it slowly in case you decide half-way through that you were wrong.)

Anyways, much love to you both. And I hope it works out. Really.

[cfred.livejournal.com]

On the one hand, it's measure twice, cut once, to use the power tools analogy. But when it comes time, cut.

Ultimately you have to do what's right for you (both in the singular and plural sense of the word). I say this knowing that Kayt and I spent the last few months talking about how miserable things are getting for us in Washington (not totally, but bad outweighs good), so we looked at our options and decided moving to Atlanta will be a good thing for us. So, we're going.

On the one hand, it's back to a city I went to college in, but I don't expect it to be now like it was then. It does mean going to a city I like and have comfort with, as does Kayt. It's also a city that isn't wicked expensive like Washington is. (Or Boston, which is why Boston didn't make it past the first reloc ballot.)

That said, it's my choice, based on my situation. Your situation is your own, Jude, but whatever you choose, I'll still think the world of you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm excited for you guys to go to Atlanta. I'm glad you were able to try out a new place, realize it wasn't for you, and move on. I really think that eventually Jen and I will be in the same situation unless something radically changes, like one of us gets some faboo job or something (which isn't terribly likely).

I just keep thinking about how our situation would be so much better if it wasn't for all of the /little/ factors that keep adding to a tough scenario. Sure it's a drag to make no money and to feel like we can't afford to start a family. That's bad enough, but it's totally exacerbated by Jen's retail job with the schedule that isn't M-F 9-5 and is instead set up so that we get very little time together. It's just like things keep kicking us when we're already down.

I just want to find a way to make things better for us so we can go back to getting along again.

Thanks for your comments.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I agree that you can't just keep deliberating a decision and after a while you need to either make a decision or decide to forget about deciding and just go with what you have. It's true that we both spend far too much time trying to figure out the secret implications any decision would have on the other person.

I guess this is a good way to really start getting into the practice of making decisions as a family.

Speaking of, congrats on your big news, too!

[fukumen.livejournal.com]

There are many, many more things you can buy for spring wardrobe apart from capri pants. There are also painful sandals made out of razor wire and bits of rawhide. See? SEE?

I try not to think of myself as a big run and hide girl these days, but then again, I don't consider what you're proposing to be a 'quick fix' and certainly not cowardly. From what you told me when you visited NY, the friend situation turned out to be quite an unpleasant surprise, and yes, you could go make new ones, but new ones aren't substitutes for old ones.

I'm quite sure this is something where individual people differ wildly, but I tend to see that most people need about a 50/50 ratio of new and old friends having an ongoing presence in their life. Maybe the old ones are comfort zone, or maybe it's just because certain sorts of friends are really irreplacable? (Please note: you are still not a beautiful and unique snowflake.)

I don't think a move back would really be something to roll one's eyes at. Boston was absolutely an experiment for you, and there's nothing wrong with saying "after serious consideration I'm not going back to this Indian restaurant anymore because the curry smells funny and the painting on the wall is vaguely misogynist. I'm going back to my favorite vegan buffet, but this time I'm going to try some new dishes also, like the piece of broccoli they made to look like steak."

I hope that helps. But after reading it a few times, I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

So I got lost in the curry metaphor and then lost this e-mail for a long time. I guess it's because I don't like Indian food.

I guess I just wish there was some sort of clear and easy answer that would explain my whole life and give me some sort of direction. Like, I wish that my dream job would appear out of nowhere and hand itself to me. I would move anywhere for that. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OUT THERE??!?!

I miss you.

[fukumen.livejournal.com]

I miss you too, hugely.

For some reason I've never had any problems with direction. I guess that's probably my trade-off; generally very clear vision but painfully dramatic courses of action.

Is your dream job still the same that it was, say, a year ago though? You're not exactly the same now, and you've been chasing that dream for a while. Maybe it's something you need to make happen. I don't know. Get a few colleagues together and start an agency on your own terms.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Good question.

My dream job has stayed pretty much exactly the same except that, to be totally honest, I don't even want a job. Heh. I want to be a stay home mama and a crazy volunteer activist. Too bad that's just not happening. ;)

And while I admire your entrepreneurial spirit, I don't have the smallest clue how to just start up my own agency (or where to get the BLING)... and I don't know any likeminded peers here.

Why don't you come and start a revolutionary youth agency with me, eh? :)

[fukumen.livejournal.com]

To be perfectly honest, I've been seriously considering it. I powwowed with a friend of mine over drinks about the subject just now, in fact(and if my typing seems impeccable despite this, realize I'm hitting the backspace key a LOT.)

I need just a -little- bit more savvy about how the insurance system etc. works, but with that in place, I've seriously considered grabbing 2-4 likeminded souls and starting my own small agency once I've got the supervision hours done for full licensure. So maybe we do need to talk. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm approved to sit for my independent license. Now I just need to schedule (and pay for) the test and try to pass that bad boy.

I'm totally in! (Well, except for that pesky NY business, you know. *wink*)

[(Anonymous)]

Lucky. I just found out my internship is no good for it, so I won't be able to take the sweet job they offered me. Now I'm not so sure WHERE I'm going to go to get supervision. *sigh* And it's 3 years as it is.


Pfft. Like you can't pass a test.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You're KIDDING about the internship, right? UGH. Why is it no good?

You could come work for me! ;)

(And yeah, I can pass tests, but heck, I always get nervous on exams that cost huge sums of money.)