Thank you disillusionment
May. 28th, 2005 10:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpToday I started sending out thank-you cards for the generous things people did for us when we got married (which really wasn't necessary, I assure you, but thanks again!). I really wrestled with the one for my mother because I know that she is pretty upset with me that I didn't tell her that we were getting legally married until the day we got married. I had a hard time finding the right words to explain the situation without sounding lame or dumb.
The truth is, there are so many factors inherent in both why we got married randomly on Friday the 13th, why we didn't have a big to-do, why there wasn't an announcement sooner, etc. I probably could have written a several page letter but wanted to write something concise and genuine that could fit on a little thank-you card. It wasn't easy.
I honestly /do/ see my mother's point of view and I know why her feelings are hurt. I know that she feels like I excluded her from something, that I isolate her from my life, etc. The reality is that it's not at all like that. In fact, I used to have a pretty close relationship with my mother for a couple of years, where I phoned her frequently and visited, all of that. Since she moved to Myrtle Beach, I never hear from her. Sure, the phone goes both ways, but whether I call or she does, she basically talks at me for about 20 minutes about everything going on in her life, and then says she is going to let me go. I actually spoke to her on the phone four times in the week-10 days before we got married and she never once asked me, "How are you?" I dunno.
How do you get someone, someone who isn't affected by such things, to understand that we were afraid to wait a year to have a public wedding (when we might be able to afford and/or plan one) because we have no idea if/when the laws will change to forbid such things all over again? We took a huge risk moving out here, with a huge pull being marriage. We'd already blown almost a year here stalling because we couldn't decide on anything, couldn't afford anything, and never saw each other. What if we waited another year? Would we still have the option of getting legally married?
There wasn't anything magical about May 13th other than Jen had two Fridays off in a row (the 6th and the 13th) and I was able to get out of work before 2:00 both days. Since that doesn't always happen, we got the marriage license on the 6th and crossed our fingers that we would be able to get an appointment at City Hall on the 13th. When Jen went on the 11th to pick up our license, she was able to get the info to call and make an appointment. Thankfully we were able to get in that Friday... otherwise we would have been looking at sometime in June before the marriage license expired.
(This all sounds so romantic, doesn't it?)
I understand that people are hurt that they weren't able to come. I understand that people are hurt that they didn't know in advance. But I don't understand how no one seems to see my side of things, the actual reality that influenced a harried and hasty decision. It's frustrating. We want to have a public get-together in a year when we can save up and plan. Hopefully we'll still be legally married by then.
The truth is, there are so many factors inherent in both why we got married randomly on Friday the 13th, why we didn't have a big to-do, why there wasn't an announcement sooner, etc. I probably could have written a several page letter but wanted to write something concise and genuine that could fit on a little thank-you card. It wasn't easy.
I honestly /do/ see my mother's point of view and I know why her feelings are hurt. I know that she feels like I excluded her from something, that I isolate her from my life, etc. The reality is that it's not at all like that. In fact, I used to have a pretty close relationship with my mother for a couple of years, where I phoned her frequently and visited, all of that. Since she moved to Myrtle Beach, I never hear from her. Sure, the phone goes both ways, but whether I call or she does, she basically talks at me for about 20 minutes about everything going on in her life, and then says she is going to let me go. I actually spoke to her on the phone four times in the week-10 days before we got married and she never once asked me, "How are you?" I dunno.
How do you get someone, someone who isn't affected by such things, to understand that we were afraid to wait a year to have a public wedding (when we might be able to afford and/or plan one) because we have no idea if/when the laws will change to forbid such things all over again? We took a huge risk moving out here, with a huge pull being marriage. We'd already blown almost a year here stalling because we couldn't decide on anything, couldn't afford anything, and never saw each other. What if we waited another year? Would we still have the option of getting legally married?
There wasn't anything magical about May 13th other than Jen had two Fridays off in a row (the 6th and the 13th) and I was able to get out of work before 2:00 both days. Since that doesn't always happen, we got the marriage license on the 6th and crossed our fingers that we would be able to get an appointment at City Hall on the 13th. When Jen went on the 11th to pick up our license, she was able to get the info to call and make an appointment. Thankfully we were able to get in that Friday... otherwise we would have been looking at sometime in June before the marriage license expired.
(This all sounds so romantic, doesn't it?)
I understand that people are hurt that they weren't able to come. I understand that people are hurt that they didn't know in advance. But I don't understand how no one seems to see my side of things, the actual reality that influenced a harried and hasty decision. It's frustrating. We want to have a public get-together in a year when we can save up and plan. Hopefully we'll still be legally married by then.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-05-28 03:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-28 03:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-28 03:48 pm (UTC)That being said, even understanding your valid reasons, some people will be upset regardless. That's unavoidable, and I think that those who love you will, not to put to fine a point on it, get over it. You made choices. Good choices, valid choices, but choices nevertheless, and choices have consequences. Those consequences need not be negative, and need not be permanent, but they're likely to be there.
But as to how you can make Mom understand...maybe you can, maybe you can't, but there's no chance at all that she will unless you say the things to her that you say here in such a heartfelt manner.
Love you.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-30 08:52 pm (UTC)I don't really see this as a "gay" thing, per se, except in terms of the legal concern. There were lots of other reasons not at all related to us being in a same-sex relationship. I think boiling it down to a straight vs gay thing sells the whole thing short.
Thanks for you input. :)
no subject
Date: 2005-05-28 04:33 pm (UTC)Don't worry about hurting other people - this wedding was for YOU & JEN! It wasn't for anyone else so if they didn't like what you did, too bad. You know all weddings are stressful and people complain and get their feelings hurt so don't feel alone. Just keep remembering that this is something for you.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-30 08:50 pm (UTC)Yeah, our wedding day is for us. That's kind of what I thought when I made it private. I just wish it was easier for other people to understand... that what we did was about making things good for US, not making things bad for them.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-28 04:34 pm (UTC)I also understand that people don't understand. They don't understand to the point that I boggle at what complete assholes some of them are being about it.
However, as one of my morose musings this week went, at least the fact that Jon's friends are being assholes about not being there meant they cared, in a really warped and rude way that they are taking much too far. Overall, I've been pleased at the way my friends have gone with the flow and just offered congratulations for whatever we wanted to do. But on the other hand, I have to wonder if that's because they really didn't care whether they were there or not.
So as annoying and shortsighted and even hypocritical as her viewpoint may be, at least she cares when it comes down to the root of things.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2005-05-30 08:49 pm (UTC)I think that weddings and funerals bring out the absolute worst in people. As someone who has had both a big public wedding and a small private wedding, all I can deduce is that they all suck. I don't get it - it's supposed to be a couple's happiest day... why bog them down with crap? =P
re: hurt
Date: 2005-05-29 01:36 pm (UTC)Re: hurt
Date: 2005-05-30 08:47 pm (UTC)re: never met
Date: 2005-05-31 12:20 am (UTC)Re: re: never met
Date: 2005-06-03 12:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-30 09:15 pm (UTC)I understand why people are disappointed but I'm sure they'll come around.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 12:40 am (UTC)People are disappointed because they didn't get to come. I dunno... I thought it was for US. But who knows. :)