Punking Out

[judecorp]

I decided to follow Lyssa's rule (SELF-CARE IS NUMBER ONE!) and not call back the Red Cross to try to get into a training class on Saturday. Part of me feels like a super boob about it since there are a bazillion people who need help and here I am crapping out to work on my relationship. But there you have it. We need more good days in the bank.

But there are those moments when I'm driving in the car listening to the radio, and someone's talking about all of the destruction and they mention the devastation in Biloxi, and then Picayune, Mississippi, and hot damn, I know a girl who grew up in Picayune and what if something happened to her or her family? I can see her face clear as day in her BSA Class A uniform at closing program at Philmont in 1997, but I can't remember her name. Jennifer something, I think - but that's almost every girl my age.

I worked 11 hours today and this has become my life. I keep getting clients who work during the day and what the heck can I do? People need to work. So I need to work. I had been babysitting on Tuesdays (I work late on Wednesdays and volunteer on Mondays, Thursday is Survivor and weekends are Off Limits) but the family I babysit for can't do Tuesdays anymore. Dilemma. The extra money has really been coming in handy. I'm burnt out from working a million hours and working a second job (babysitting) and running a household and running to RI and volunteering. I made a promise to work the HelpLine for a year and it's maybe been half of that... maybe. Yet I might have to talk to Lyssa about stopping for a while, at least until this RI business is over and maybe I wouldn't need a second job to put gas-for-RI in the car.

Self-care is Number One, right? Then why does it feel so lousy? I feel best about myself when I'm making a difference... not like I don't exist except for others, but that part of my self-concept is my ability to help. I need to do /something/ to bounce back. Soon.

(Hopefully will here from HHS about the human services volunteering. I was going to volunteer to help evacuees here on the Cape, but they're not coming, at least not right now.)

Comments

[agedwiz.livejournal.com]

Sometimes it's good to remind yourself that if you don't take care of yourself as a number one priority that there won't be enough of you left to be of any use to anyone else. Taking care of yourself is making a difference!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I say that to a lot of people and there is definite truth in that. But I feel so much better when I'm doing something to help people, and when I'm in my own headspace I just don't feel that good. I used to think I was just compartmentalizing all of my bad feelings out of the way when I was at work and stuff, but I think I'm just wired that way. I like feeling useful and knowing I did a good job. It makes me feel like Superman!

[oxlahun.livejournal.com]

Taking care of yourself might mean you need time to take care of other people.

Still, I think agedwiz is probably right. You can do the most good in the world if you're happy and healthy.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

True. But you know, I don't feel the least bit sad or down or whatever when I'm at work... it's only when I get home that I feel like something's missing sometimes.

But I think in order to get to the bottom of that "something's missing" thing, I need to spend a little more time at home.

[oxlahun.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I do too. Trust that instinct.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Okay.

*mwah!*

[lickingtoad.livejournal.com]

I echo what everyone else has echoed, for the weight you give my opinion. Whatever that may be, I'm comfortable.

As someone who has struggled with (at times) suicidal depression, I know in my bones you can't love others properly until you love yourself. That may sound trite, or over-indulgent, but the principle holds.

Only by making sure you have peace can you spread peace to others. Your health and happiness is directly proportional to that which you dole out.

Re: *mwah!*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh, I sure do love myself. That's not really a problem.

Am I at peace with myself? No, not at all. I always feel like there is more I can do, more I should do... not just about this, about everything. I always want to do more, want to be able to be everything. I have a serious superhero complex. Need to work on that.

I agree with you about the health and happiness. It's just been hard to come by this summer, and actually all of this activism is really helping. Now if I just had more local friends.

[jadefu.livejournal.com]

You know, in all honesty, they're going to need hurricane volunteers for months. I don't think you need to rush to help this week. They'll need MORE help as the press coverage dies down.

As for your other obligations, I don't think anyone is going to fault you for needing a break to take care of yourself and your family. I can tell you that just letting them know what's up is more than what many volunteers do (coming from someone working somewhere that depends on volunteers).

BTW, track your miles driving to volunteer work: it's tax deductible....at least it used to be.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I didn't know that mileage to/from volunteering is tax deductible. Not that it really helps me - I don't itemize deductions because I sure don't have enough of them... and it's only about 4 miles or so to volunteering. (It's just that 4 miles in Boston takes 30-45 minutes, so I usually take the T.)

And yeah, I know I'm being a better person than one who just no-shows all of my shifts or cancels all the time, but I feel bad about potentially stopping volunteering because I need to make more money. It just makes me feel like a sell-out.

[poopsmoothie.livejournal.com]

Taking care of yourself is definitely important. do too much, and you'll burn out and not be able to help anyone.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ain't that the truth. So far I haven't succumbed fully to social worker burn-out. But I sure have felt pangs of it at times, and boy does that suck.

[poopsmoothie.livejournal.com]

I've seen so many burn out, and it's sad.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Very.

It's sad that good people aren't supported in the good work they do, and end up getting burned out. :(

[poopsmoothie.livejournal.com]

yeah. avoiding burnout and supporting each other is pretty much a constant topic at every anarchist get-together ever. it's mostly common-sense stuff, but it's hard to remember in the day-to-day rush to complete your to-do list.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Definitely.

[(Anonymous)]

Don't forget that you can't care for others unless you have something to give. You're running on empty, Jude, and need to look after yourself before even thinking about devoting energy to others. Then you can renew your efforts towards others, but don't forget about yourself

whoops

[grrlpower.livejournal.com]

that was me :)

Re: whoops

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

(Replying here so you get the reply)

I guess part of the problem is that I have no idea how to take care of myself. I tend to be more happy and more good-natured when I have a lot going on... I don't know if being all GO GO GO just makes it easier to deny what's going on, or if being idle gives me too much time to think and create problems. Maybe a little of both, who knows?

All I know is that I've been REALLY busy this week (going to work early, leaving late) and I've been in a better mood than I have been in a while. Then again, I didn't go to RI to do Dad Stuff last weekend either. Who knows?

Re: whoops

[grrlpower.livejournal.com]

and the only reason why I can tell you to take that time, is because it's easier to tell you than to tell myself.. I too like to load myself up, and part of it is because I feel I am able, and therefore have a responsibility to do all I can.

I think the key is just accepting that we DO have a right to take some down-time. Our bodies and minds require it... and just think that if we don't plan for it, it'll happen on its own, perhaps by manifesting itself in our getting sick, or run-down, or something. So we can choose to keep pushing til we get to that point, or we can try to prevent a severe crash by allowing ourselves some 'time off'.

Sorry. I'm rambling. just got back home after a 16 hr day ;)

Re: whoops

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I agree. It's hard for me to convince myself that it's okay if I sit around all day on a Saturday and watch movies... it's like even if I commit myself to take some down time, I get on myself about what kind of down time I'm taking.

Like, "Oh, it's a nice day, I should be doing something outside..." which then sends me to the grocery store or running errands or something.

It's a vicious cycle.

[volumeat11.livejournal.com]

Dude...you do so much for so many...darn tootin' you need some self-care! If you are not 100% then you won't be able to give 110% -- that's the new math, by the way; get used to it.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I love the new math! :)

I know I need self-care, I just don't know what the best way to do it is. For me it's doubtful that it's having relaxing alone-time, because I don't do well with that. Keeping busy and helping people IS my self-care!

[carina-s.livejournal.com]

You are making a difference. At home.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

See, at home is the one place where I feel like the difference that I make is often negative. I feel much more successful and have way more self-esteem in my professional or public life than I do in my home/relationship life.

[smurfbrother.livejournal.com]

Maybe there are ways to do both? G and I signed up to offer housing to displaced people, we did it through moveon.org. Jade's right, too, that relief for this disaster is going to be a long, long process, and there is certainly going to be more than enough to do in the months to come. I also know you well enough to know that you put enormous pressure on yourself to do things that only you believe you need to be doing. I don't know how to stop something like that, but it really does seem to make you unhappy.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

We signed up to offer housing through MoveOn also, though I don't know that anyone would come up this far (unless they were trying to relocate here anyway). We're also thinking of trying to take in a displaced pet.

I don't know that I agree with this: I also know you well enough to know that you put enormous pressure on yourself to do things that only you believe you need to be doing. I /do/ put a lot of pressure on myself, that's true... but I put pressure on myself to do what I think is right, and I definitely have higher standards for myself than I have for others... but I don't think I just create tasks for myself and give them weighted importance. I just have a greater sense of personal and global responsibility than a lot of other people.

[oxlahun.livejournal.com]

I saw recently they're taking something like 1000 people to Portland Oregon. They're spreading folks out everywhere, because Texas and Arkansas and Tennessee and Georgia can't handle a million displaced people.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we ended up getting some people up here after all. But I haven't gotten called back yet.

[ullrsawah.livejournal.com]

I imagine you've thought of this already, but maybe if you think of taking time for you/your relationship as making a difference in your girl's life you won't feel so bad about not doing everything for everybody?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Hey, that's kind of a good spin. I'll have to try to remember that.

[ullrsawah.livejournal.com]

Hopefully it helps. It's nice when spin is actually a *good* thing.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

True!

[whirledpeas.livejournal.com]

I support you. I think you should do what's best for you b/c SELF CARE IS NUMBER ONE! Boy, I wish that was my line.

Hey - I have this friend odd_dog on lj who I think is super cool...and I told her she should add you. She JUST moved to Bawston and if things evar slowed down for you, I think you'd really love her. So anyway...I just wanted to tell you

Now...about that journal for Daed...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Would I love her more than YOU? Because that would be a frickin' tragedy. Seriously. I don't know that I ever want to love another friend more than I love you. You're my PEAS!!

p.s. I added your friend back. :) Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.

p.p.s. You can tell people that "SELF-CARE IS NUMBER ONE!" is your line. I won't tell anyone.

[laylagrace822.livejournal.com]

Self Care is number one. Don't forget that.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yes ma'am!