...and the hits just keep on coming
Dec. 5th, 2005 05:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpOne of my clients died on Friday night, rather unexpectedly, only a handful of hours after our last telephone conversation that ended with, "And remember, I'm still going to call you on Monday to check in about stuff." She was the mother of one of the many beautiful children I visit on a weekly basis - actually semi-weekly in her case, because Mom wanted two visits a week. She was chronically ill but not at all expected to die on Friday - or, heck, any time in the semi-near future. I still can't even adequately register my shock. I returned the call to her boyfriend this morning and didn't even know where to begin talking, except to tell him how sorry and shocked I was.
Instead of the HelpLine tomorrow night, I'll be going to her wake. I believe I'll forego the funeral/burial stuff, however. One day of being that young white girl that no one knows is enough for me, thanks.
I am so tired of going to wakes this year. So tired.
I have no idea where this journey will take me, having moved predominantly from parent support person to family grief counselor in a time when I'm still trying to work through the effects grief has had on my own family. I have so many questions: who will be the primary caregiver? where will the baby be living? will they still want services? is this going to be the most awkward case ever?
Mom had a whole laundry list of things she wanted us to accomplish together, like babyproofing the house, making a scrapbook of the baby's birth, planning her first birthday party, coming up with a nice Christmas on no money, finding more accessible housing, etc. Gah, so many things and it was so overwhelming - the first task was to try to prioritize and from there, we only got as far as babyproofing materials, holiday gift help, and numerous reminders to call her housing advocate. I just wish the scrapbook had been a higher priority for either of us. Damn, but I want that baby girl to have a baby scrapbook made by Mommy, for when she's old enough to have the words to ask where Mommy is.
We were supposed to have a home visit on Friday afternoon, but she called me to let me know she was in the hospital and she wanted her parents to bring the baby to see her. I waited around for her all day until finally she said that her parents were coming with the baby and I wouldn't be meeting with her or the baby that day, but that I would call on Monday to arrange two times - one to see her at the hospital and one to see the baby at the grandparents' house. I must have called the hospital a million times on Friday, returning her calls and later calming her down when she was so upset that her parents had only stayed for 20 minutes - far too short a visit with the baby. She apologized for having the receptionist ask me to call her back when I'd already left for the day. Such was the nature of our relationship, though - she nudged the boundaries of what I could/should be doing a little bit every time, always asking for a little extra, always wanting a little more time, always needing a little more help - all with the best intentions.
My head is swimming again (time for more decongestant), I've been mildly nauseous all day, it's freezing and snowy outside with the promise of more snow overnight, one of my clients is dead, and now I need to go babysit all night. Definitely a Monday. Chalk it up as one of the most challenging workdays ever.
I really just don't know how much more I can juggle and still remain somewhere close to on top of things.
Instead of the HelpLine tomorrow night, I'll be going to her wake. I believe I'll forego the funeral/burial stuff, however. One day of being that young white girl that no one knows is enough for me, thanks.
I am so tired of going to wakes this year. So tired.
I have no idea where this journey will take me, having moved predominantly from parent support person to family grief counselor in a time when I'm still trying to work through the effects grief has had on my own family. I have so many questions: who will be the primary caregiver? where will the baby be living? will they still want services? is this going to be the most awkward case ever?
Mom had a whole laundry list of things she wanted us to accomplish together, like babyproofing the house, making a scrapbook of the baby's birth, planning her first birthday party, coming up with a nice Christmas on no money, finding more accessible housing, etc. Gah, so many things and it was so overwhelming - the first task was to try to prioritize and from there, we only got as far as babyproofing materials, holiday gift help, and numerous reminders to call her housing advocate. I just wish the scrapbook had been a higher priority for either of us. Damn, but I want that baby girl to have a baby scrapbook made by Mommy, for when she's old enough to have the words to ask where Mommy is.
We were supposed to have a home visit on Friday afternoon, but she called me to let me know she was in the hospital and she wanted her parents to bring the baby to see her. I waited around for her all day until finally she said that her parents were coming with the baby and I wouldn't be meeting with her or the baby that day, but that I would call on Monday to arrange two times - one to see her at the hospital and one to see the baby at the grandparents' house. I must have called the hospital a million times on Friday, returning her calls and later calming her down when she was so upset that her parents had only stayed for 20 minutes - far too short a visit with the baby. She apologized for having the receptionist ask me to call her back when I'd already left for the day. Such was the nature of our relationship, though - she nudged the boundaries of what I could/should be doing a little bit every time, always asking for a little extra, always wanting a little more time, always needing a little more help - all with the best intentions.
My head is swimming again (time for more decongestant), I've been mildly nauseous all day, it's freezing and snowy outside with the promise of more snow overnight, one of my clients is dead, and now I need to go babysit all night. Definitely a Monday. Chalk it up as one of the most challenging workdays ever.
I really just don't know how much more I can juggle and still remain somewhere close to on top of things.
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no subject
Date: 2005-12-05 10:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 03:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-05 11:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 03:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 12:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 03:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 12:08 am (UTC)You were a gift in her life, I am sure of that.
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Date: 2005-12-06 03:10 am (UTC)It will be interesting to walk into a big funeral home full of her family and friends, that's for sure. *nervous*
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Date: 2005-12-06 12:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 03:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 12:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 03:12 am (UTC)I think the baby is well loved in the middle of a very large extended family who all care for her very much. But your offer is very much appreciated.
As an aside, that picture of you and Kara is just SO adorable!
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Date: 2005-12-06 12:52 am (UTC)Always thinking of you..
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Date: 2005-12-06 03:14 am (UTC)Although I'm not exactly sure what part of town the baby will be living in, so it might end up that I will need to refer them to a closer program, yanno? Still, I will do everything I can to make sure things transition as smoothly as possible.
It's just so shocking and heartbreaking.
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Date: 2005-12-06 01:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 03:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 02:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 03:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 01:26 pm (UTC)...that on top of everything else.
Thinking of you.
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Date: 2005-12-06 08:32 pm (UTC)It's hard to have a nice, respectable professional distance with someone when you provide services in their home. There's something about being inside someone's home, with all of their things and usually friends/family members from time to time, that chisels away at that distance, you know? When you're not in an office behind a respectable desk but are instead sitting on the edge of someone's bed, hoping that they welcome you into their lives and their homes, that kind of speeds up that rapport/relationship building process.
What can I say, I get attached to people. It wasn't that long ago that I was driving her to the library to get a library card. Here in Boston, you can "take out" tickets to some places like the Aquarium and the Zoo, and I thought it would be a great way for her to spend time with her daughter.
Time, dammit, never enough time.
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Date: 2005-12-06 02:46 pm (UTC)I don't know what to say, except to say "this sucks."
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Date: 2005-12-06 08:29 pm (UTC)Wouldn't that be grand?
xoxo
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Date: 2005-12-06 08:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-08 03:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 03:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 03:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 08:28 pm (UTC)You are the greatest.
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Date: 2005-12-07 11:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-08 03:41 am (UTC)