Live to tell

[judecorp]

I was looking for back entries from when Jen and I got married, which of course ended up segue-ing right into back entries from when my dad died. Gah, was that already almost a year ago? It seems like a few months ago... and also seems like TEN years ago.

Because everything happened so back-to-back, I never told my grandparents about Jen's and my marriage. I didn't tell anyone in my family ahead of time except for my brother and my dad. I called my mom to tell her right after we got married and she totally wigged. I was going to tell my grandparents but I didn't see them until we were all in the waiting room at the ICU. And then everything was so nutty.

And now I'm in this conundrum because I want to tell them, but it's been so long that I know it will totally hurt their feelings that I never told them. I mean, sure, Dad died... but that was a long time ago and I just can't seem to tell them. I'm so worried about hurting their feelings or making them think I don't trust them. Augh, so complicated.

What would you do? How would you tell them?

Comments

[siercia]

Wow, I don't know. I wish I had a good suggestion for you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Maybe YOU could tell them. ;)

[stapynam.livejournal.com]

are they supportive of the relationship in general?

honesty is the best policy, especially in these situations. say exactly what you said here; that you wanted to tell them but the right time didn't come up in light of your dad's death and that the more time that went by the harder it was because you didn't want them to be hurt. are they understanding people?

keep it honest and simple:)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

They are supportive of the relationship, as much as they really understand it. I mean, they know we are together and not just friends, they know we sleep in the same bed and they know that we live our lives together. I'm not sure how much they 'get' the ins-and-outs of our relationship, and by that I mean, I'm not sure if they can see how a same-sex relationship can actually be similar than an opposite-sex relationship.

I /will/ say, though, that they treat my wife the same way they treated my ex-husband - which is to say cordially, with respect. And I'm so glad for that. I think it will take a longer amount of time (it's been 4 years) for them to see her as "part of the family" more than they do. Although I know that they are /incredibly/ happy that she is so family-oriented, that she has done so much to help with my dad's house, etc. In public, my grandfather will introduce her as my "friend," but he is very aware that we are not just friends.

I'm /really/ reluctant to tell them we got married last year. That was a long time ago, and there have been so many opportunities to tell them since (we're there almost every weekend). I'll probably end up telling them we got married, but not how long ago. Although I'm not a big fan of lying, and they will undoubtedly ask "when?"

[skreeky]

Under a year is "newlyweds" - you can say "recently" and then totally change the subject. Ideally change the subject to something related and even more distracting, such as baby-making or house-buying.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Hee hee, I'll have to try that.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

It's up to you - what about sending a card maybe with a picture?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, I see them almost every weekend. So somehow sending a card/letter doesn't seem right. It's not like they don't know we're together, as Jen comes down almost every weekend with me and goes to all of the family functions. She even sat in the "immediate family" row at my dad's wake/funeral and all of that. I mean, they know we're in a relationship, they just don't know that we got married at City Hall last year.

[tool-of-satan.livejournal.com]

I don't know how you should tell them (dealing with difficult interpersonal situations is not one of my strengths), but I do think you should tell them soon. The longer you wait, the worse it will get. (Easy for me to say, of course.)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You know what I appreciate about you? You're a man who is very aware of himself. I can /totally/ hear you saying dealing with difficult interpersonal situations is not one of my strengths and I love that about you. But that aside - confrontational-type situations are not my forte, either. And when it comes to my grandparents - augh! - I'm just this big blob of mush.

Maybe YOU can tell them! :)

[tool-of-satan.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :)

I hear what you're saying, but if your grandparents love you (which I assume they do) and are reasonably comfortable with your relationship with Jen (which it sounds as if they are), it shouldn't be all that confrontational.

Maybe YOU can tell them! :)

Hmm... can I do it as a singing telegram?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dude, you TOTALLY should!

[rizzo41.livejournal.com]

Mention it in passing and then when they act surprised insist you told them a long time ago and that you are really hurt they forgot. Maybe you could get a good guilt gift out of it!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You always have the best advice! "No, Grandma, I told you last year but *sniff* you probably just *sniff* weren't listening!!" HA HA HA, if only that would work.

I can't imagine we'd get any kind of gift out of it, not that I want one. I got a big gift the last time, and they like to remind me of that. ;)

[rizzo41.livejournal.com]

Heh. Well, maybe they'd feel so guilty they wouldn't make a bad fuss about it anyway. And that might be good enough!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

That would be just fine.

[gabriellag.livejournal.com]

Tell them you got married. Do you necessarily have to let them know the timeframe? Let them know it happened on a pretty short timeframe and you didn't invite family. Let them know you are happy. Do you really have to tell them when you actually were wed?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm seriously considering this. Although I know they'll ask "when?" and so I was thinking of telling them right around our 1st anniversary so that I can say, "On the 13th" when that month rolls around, you know?

Ugh, families are so complicated. And yeah, I mean, I don't think they'll be upset that they weren't /invited/ since we just went to City Hall and no one was invited, but I think they'll be upset that they were never even told. Ugh.

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

Say that you've been waiting for the right moment for a while, and since it's never leapt out at you, maybe you can make this moment be the right one. Tell them that you and Jen got married, and you hope they are happy for you both.

I wouldn't press the exact date unless they feel it's important. If they do press for it, say that a lot of things were going on at that time, and you didn't want to impact other things going on with your news. Which is true, I think?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

That could work. I am just such a wuss about all that stuff. I'm SO afraid to hurt their feelings! Augh!

I was so set to tell them last weekend because I was there alone without Jen (I wouldn't want to make HER feel awkward, too) and the grandparents and I did a fair bit of chatting. But I BLEW IT!

[wendywoowho.livejournal.com]

Well, I say Jen has much more ammunition for an anniversary party being a full-on wedding bash now... :)

"Grandma, Grandpa, I have something I want to tell you. A year ago, Jen and I made a very happy decision, but we never got a chance to tell you because Dad died. Grandma, Grandpa, Jen and I are married, and we want you to share in our happiness."

Have pictures. Hell, bring some cake.

[smurfbrother.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I have to say, I think WWH is right on point.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Mmm, did somebody say "cake"? Bring it on!!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, I definitely want to tell them in person. We don't talk on the phone much as it is and besides, their hearing isn't that great. ;) I see them at least 3 times/month so there are plenty of opportunities... I'm just a big chicken.

BOCK BOCK!!