Another cancelled cycle

[judecorp]

I finally got my doctor's office to call me back about scheduling the HSG test. (I couldn't call until today because CD1 was on Saturday, and the weekend nurse told me to call today.) The secretary who was covering for my doctor's secretary let me know that the radiology center they do the HSGs through is completely booked for this month and I am going to have to wait until next month. Which means that next month is out for insemination. Which means that we were cancelled in June, we're out in July because I was supposed to have an HSG (but now they're booked), and we're out in August to actually have the HSG.

At this point, all I can do is sit here and feel doomed. I feel like I will /never/ have another chance at insemination and things keep getting cancelled more and more in advance. Every time we get some sort of handle on the wait we're told about, we get handed /another/ wait and I honestly don't know how much more I can stand. I am so beside myself here at home with the cats and it just feels like such a hopeless business. I am definitely getting the feeling that the Universe is adamantly opposed to me trying to get pregnant, and it is starting to break me.

Comments

[tea-soaked.livejournal.com]

It's hard - I know so well. Just be, right now. Feel whatever you need to feel. Hang in there.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure it's worth waiting until September to start trying again for the couple of months we were going to try. They weren't guaranteed to work, but we guaranteed want to get out of this town. What's the point of sticking around in a place we don't like if we're not even going to get to do what we're staying here FOR? So frustrating. If I had a soul around who understood, even a little, who wasn't a million miles away on the internet, maybe I would feel a little better. I don't know. I just feel so hopeless right now and the doctor's office was just so impersonal about it. I'd have appreciated a little more compassion, I guess.

[tea-soaked.livejournal.com]

Sometimes it's even harder when they - the dr.'s office - are "just business" about the whole thing.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Totally.

Don't lose hope. . .

[bingothemonkey.livejournal.com]

I really wish the best for you. Even though I've never met you, it sounds like you would provide a nourishing and happy household for any child.

I think that you will prevail, just don't give up, okay?

Re: Don't lose hope. . .

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

But how long do I postpone our OTHER dream (buying a house on the other side of the state) because this keeps getting postponed? This is just so complicated and painful, and what makes it painful is that we're really just getting jerked around. It's not like we have all of these tries and they're not working... we're not even GETTING to try, and to me, that feels like we're sticking around in a place we don't like for nothing.

Re: Don't lose hope. . .

[bingothemonkey.livejournal.com]

I can't even imagine how hard it is to have to be dealing with two such life-altering things at once. Are they really mutually exclusive or is there someplace you could try not getting "jerked around" if you do move? I'm sure these are thing you've looked into and I know nothing about. . . I just wish I could say something to make you feel better. . . Other than the cliche "I know everything will fall into place for you," I'm at a loss. But I am thinking of you and hopeful for you, if that helps at all?

Re: Don't lose hope. . .

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, it's kind of one or the other only because we can't really move 2 hours away AND keep the same jobs/insurance/doctors. So there is a risk if we move that we will have a different insurance company who will not cover my stuff. (My current insurance company does.) We'll probably give it a couple more tries here and then move... because we really want to get out of here ASAP.

Thanks for thinking of me. :)

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

Your feelings remind me of how I felt before IVF. We had to do the HSG, genetic testing, blah, blah, blah. Everything took so freaking long. Each month that goes by without doing anything SUCKS!
Even when we started IVF in Jan. I had to wait until late April for our first FET cycle because my body was so messed up from OHSS! The waiting is so hard ... but don't give up.
I know this is a long road. I am here for you. Take some time to do some fun things for yourself. Take a trip, splurge on something, drink (because you'll miss it when you can't).
I'm thinking of you ... *hugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm going to be very honest with you - we didn't expect this to be a fast or easy process but at the same time we also wanted to move away. We always knew that we couldn't move away until my Dad's house sold, so we figured we'd have some time and we'd be stuck here anyway, so we would try TTC. We were only planning on trying for about 6-8 months before moving on to adoption (just trying some IUIs and see what happened) as soon as we had our own house, through the foster care system (our landlords don't really want kids, I respect that).

Well out of some twist of fate, my dad's house is selling without us even having to list it (the neighbor wants it) and we might close on it as soon as this month... so the pressure to move is SO on. We are both pretty miserable here in Boston and we are dying for the next step. When we thought that the house was going to sell quickly, we were crushed (because we want to leave so badly) but decided to hang in there until our June 26 appt, see what the doctor said, and give it a few more tries. And we committed to that - 3-4 more tries.

But if we don't even get to have Try #1 until late September (since my cycles are more than 28 days), our 3-4 tries will take us past Christmas. And Jen (my lovely wife who works in retail) has said that if we don't move before Christmas, she will die.

I honestly have no idea what to do. Part of me thinks we should just can the whole thing and go buy our house, because I'm starting to feel like I'll never get a chance to use that new sperm we bought over a month ago.

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I understand that moving is important to you. If you have a place in mind and you have a good clinic I'd say go for it - especially if this place screws you over on your HSG!
I hate how infertility takes over our lives. We have missed so many family events, etc... because of IVF. I hope it will all be worth it in the end for us both!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I hope so, too! So far we haven't had to alter too many plans... but we have already had to cancel some stuff and we haven't even been going at it very long. I know what you mean!

[cappucinogrrl.livejournal.com]

Hugs. I thought this might cheer you up, I don't really know why.

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Cloud-in-a-Bottle

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

That's kind of neat. :)

[estrange.livejournal.com]

Well could you try one more cycle of clomid perhaps? Bumping it up to a higher dose?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

My doctor won't be in until Wednesday (damned holiday) and that will be CD5. My doctor only does Clomid CD3-7, which would mean I would have to start today, which means I'm out.

[sassyjenski.livejournal.com]

look, it may be a holiday and all (and really, it's a beer and fireworks holiday, not a blessings and family holiday), but those fuckers are on call. have 'em call in some clomid if you want it. they'll be in such a hurry to get off the phone that you can probably even get them to give you the higher dose.

really, this just all totally sucks. it's soooo not fair, in any possible way.

if you decide to come out this way, i have good friends have been in the fostering community in noho for a long time, if you want to talk to them. they're totally right on.

ugh. i'm so sorry. it's just such a cruel kind of loss, isn't it? and all the perky just-keep-trying stuff is so not at all comforting. only a large bag of cheetos understands.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

only a large bag of cheetos understands.

I've found a big bowl of ice cream similarly understanding. ;)

[mayna.livejournal.com]

:-( I'm really sorry things aren't going how you had hoped. ;-(

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It just doesn't seem right. Why would they tell me I couldn't do anything this cycle so I can have an HSG and then turn around and say, "Oh, they're booked, you'll have to do it next month instead?" It doesn't make sense.

[lunamoonwmn01.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry this process is sucking so much. :( I'm like you, I just need there to be SOME kind of steps towards things. *hugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You can't just keep putting desperate, hormone-crazed women on hold indefinitely, know what I mean?

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

That sucks. I'm sorry it's going this way, and I hope things get better, or at least you get more compassion and understanding from the people helping you through this.

Thinking of you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[carina-s.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

*kisses*