Just Go, Go, Go

[judecorp]

I am not very good at needing people. No, that's an understatement. I am /terrible/ at it. It's not just that I see needing as a personal weakness (though I do). It's not just that I can't let go of that control I wield like a weapon (though I can't). It's not even just that I don't know how (though I don't). I'm sure it's a little bit of all of those things and more.

"You're the type of person that belongs alone."
"You will never settle down."
"That's Jude - she'll never make a relationship last."
"You make 'Control Issues' look like nothing."
"I always figured /you'd/ be the one to end things."
"Your life has no room for anyone but you."

~//~

Did they tell you it was set in stone?
That you'd end up alone?
Use your years to psych you out -
You're too young to care,
You're too old to count?

~//~

I can't let anyone help me stand. I can't let anyone help me grow. I can't let anyone have even the smallest inclination that they should take credit for who I am or what I've done. I've got to own each and every tiny little accomplishment, every achievement, every idea, every breath.

Why? Will it be "less amazing" to ask for help? Will it involve "less strength" with support? Does needing incur vulnerability? Does needing allow for the possibility of losing?

Absolutely. Am I afraid of this? You bet your life. He gave up on me, I realized this morning, because I never needed him. Not only did I never need him, I made it blatantly obvious that I didn't. I never needed you either, Dad, when you weren't there. I'm more than smugly pleased with the nature of our father-daughter relationship - I hold the cards, I have the upper hand, /you/ need /me/. And I never needed you, A., even when you wanted me to. Whoops.

This is going to be a repeating theme, isn't it?

~//~

I said this time,
Don't assume anything.
Just go, Go, GO!

Comments

[khaosworks.livejournal.com]

You want to rescue people, but hate being rescued. You enjoy helping people, but somehow resent it when you need to approach people for help. You are strong for everyone, but don't allow anyone to be strong for you. As long as you don't need, nothing can be taken away from you. As long as you don't let people in, people can't leave you. You are the knight errant, the quixotic one, dreaming of an age where damsels are to be rescued and adored, and yet when they ask you to stay the road beckons, like a latter-day Shane, heedless of their call to come back. For there are more dragons to slay, more windmills to tilt, more princesses to rescue, and more towns to liberate. The moment you stop moving, when there is no longer a problem to solve, or a person to help, is when it feels like dying. Ironically, your greatest need is to be needed.

Close enough?

[ennuiennui.livejournal.com]

Well. There are some princesses that still need saving.
Of course, the modern princess is an adaptable breed, by necessity.
Once we find those rare knights, there are still parts to play. But the knights do have to ride off. It isn't a proper rescue these days, without a sunset.
A princess, if she's smart, hopes her knight comes back some day. And comes back again. And maybe leaves something permanent, but not roots. It's cruel to root riders.
And knights have secrets too. Secret needs and assistances.
But, if it's going to work, they'll stay secret.
Princesses are nothing if not pragmatic.

After all, if someone's kind enough to indulge your illusion, it would behoove you to curry them favor likewise.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

And maybe leaves something permanent, but not roots.

You know what I've left. Take care of it.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

The moment you stop moving, when there is no longer a problem to solve, or a person to help, is when it feels like dying.

Ouch.

[khaosworks.livejournal.com]

I'm just projecting. That pretty much describes me. Knight in tarnishd armour and all that.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I was 'ouch'ing it's truth.

[khaosworks.livejournal.com]

That's why you and I get along, dear. We understand each other.