![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpI'd like to think that someday /something/ in our life can go off without a hitch. The closing today was actually pretty uneventful - walk-through was fine, the sellers didn't rake the bazillion leaves so the realtor (AMAZING) offered to have a lawn service take care of it, Jeff the Mortgage Guy looked positively dapper in his suit, the paperwork was all there and fine and whatnot, and Jeff even got us lunch (burritos!) and a sort of combination house/baby gift. It would have been an absolutely beautiful day if it wasn't for the bleeding.
I hate to be that person that is posting about pregnancy all the time or whatever but it is really effing scary to be driving or signing papers or doing god-knows-what, even laying down, and feeling blood come out of you when you know that there is really not supposed to be any action in the netherparts, period. Especially when all you hear is "No, there's nothing you can do," and "No, we don't know how long it will last," and "No, we don't know for sure if everything will be okay." I mean, I literally can't think about anything else, it is just always there. I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't even know how that is going to work because it seriously is the only thing on my mind.
It just seems like some kind of cruel joke that we spend all of this time trying to get pregnant and now I'm going to spend I don't know how many days in the unforeseeable future wondering if today is the day that we won't be pregnant anymore. I was never one of those people who wished for pregnancy symptoms because I always said that I didn't care what I did or didn't feel, every day that I wasn't bleeding was a day that I was confident I was pregnant. And now I have no symptoms and a lot of bleeding, so where does that leave me, aside from all alone in an empty house that is SO disgusting because there are boxes, piles, and garbage bags everywhere and Jen won't let me pack anything or bring down any garbage or do anything... so I just sit here in the filth and pray a lot and feel guilty for bleeding.
This should have been one of the happiest days of my life.
I hate to be that person that is posting about pregnancy all the time or whatever but it is really effing scary to be driving or signing papers or doing god-knows-what, even laying down, and feeling blood come out of you when you know that there is really not supposed to be any action in the netherparts, period. Especially when all you hear is "No, there's nothing you can do," and "No, we don't know how long it will last," and "No, we don't know for sure if everything will be okay." I mean, I literally can't think about anything else, it is just always there. I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't even know how that is going to work because it seriously is the only thing on my mind.
It just seems like some kind of cruel joke that we spend all of this time trying to get pregnant and now I'm going to spend I don't know how many days in the unforeseeable future wondering if today is the day that we won't be pregnant anymore. I was never one of those people who wished for pregnancy symptoms because I always said that I didn't care what I did or didn't feel, every day that I wasn't bleeding was a day that I was confident I was pregnant. And now I have no symptoms and a lot of bleeding, so where does that leave me, aside from all alone in an empty house that is SO disgusting because there are boxes, piles, and garbage bags everywhere and Jen won't let me pack anything or bring down any garbage or do anything... so I just sit here in the filth and pray a lot and feel guilty for bleeding.
This should have been one of the happiest days of my life.
