Gratuitous Pity Post

[judecorp]

This is so, so hard.

I just don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know how much longer I can hang in there and /worry/ all the time. Of course the knee-jerk response is just to say, "Don't worry, then," but trust me, that is impossible. I am not a worrier by nature and it seems like every chance I get I DO find some hope to latch onto, but we are into WEEK FIVE of daily bleeding and spotting and I'm running out of those opportunities for hope. It doesn't help that I seem to have MORE spotting and bleeding as the time goes on. Add that to mild occasional cramps that are /probably/ uterine growth (but possibly not) and you just have a recipe for disaster.

There are six days until Christmas and this is officially the worst holiday season I have ever had, worse even than the holiday break from college when I had an MRI on my first day back from Hofstra and waited two weeks through New Year's to find out if I had a brain tumor. (I didn't.) At least then I didn't FEEL like I had a brain tumor and while I was worried, there was nothing outwardly going on to say, "Pssst, something could be REALLY wrong with you." That and only I was involved. I'm pretty sure that no matter what happens with this pregnancy, /I/ will be fine... but I can't say the same for the little person that is trying to grow inside of me, inside the hostile environment my body has created.

I feel like such a disappointment - to my house, which is a disaster; to my wife, who has to do everything and then deal with my crying on top of it all; to my friends and family, who will have a bummer holiday if I end up within 10 feet of them; and to our babies, for not being able to carry them properly. I know that realistically there is nothing I can do about this, and Jen has been wonderful at pointing out how well I've been taking care of my body and trying to do the right thing, but I just can't help that feeling of failure - it's like that feeling of your Nth BFN times a hundred, that, "Why me?" feeling that you can't really shake.

I try so hard to be hopeful and hang on to the fact that we could still be pregnant, but it is so hard when I continue to leak bodily fluids on a daily basis. Where does it come from? Why doesn't it stop? How can it NOT hurt the baby? When can I stop worrying about it? When can someone give me some answers? I know Jen worries about it also but she at least doesn't have to FEEL it. The panic starts the moment I stand up and increases with every little drip. Graphic but true. I run to the bathroom so much, I feel bulimic.

People like to call me on the phone and ask me how I'm feeling, how things are going. I know that they care and are trying to help, but even giving words to what is happening makes it more real and makes me more scared. It's much more promising to imagine that I /choose/ to sit in front of the television every day instead of being chained to it by fear of blood. I can't explain to people that 30 second dash to the bathroom in the middle of the night where I chant, "Please no blood," under my breath as many times as I can, and how I fold myself in half while urinating to see the color, to look for offending substances, and then run back to bed as quickly as I can so nothing drips out on my way back to bed - otherwise I would never sleep. Repeat every 3-4 hours.

It's awful and pathetic to even put this out there. I really go back and forth about how real I want this journal to be, especially during bad times. But the reality is this: I am too scared to stand up at least 85% of the time. I haven't shopped for Jen or for my brother, I haven't gone to my new job to fill out new hire paperwork, I have to psych myself up to shower or make lunch, I haven't gone to see my grandparents in Rhode Island since before Thanksgiving, I am scared to attend Saturday's holiday party and Monday's Christmas dinner. And the worst is that I feel like the world's biggest, and weakest, disappointment. I look at Jen and how hard she is working to keep the house together and keep hope alive and I just start crying and apologizing, crying and apologizing.

It is not supposed to be like this. Not at all.

Comments

[daddi-cade.livejournal.com]

It's perfectly understandable that you're worried. Have you talked to anyone at your clinic etc. about your questions? Maybe if you could get some medical opinion on what's happening, it might ease your mind a little.

Meanwhile, all I can do is send good thoughts, but they'll be really good ones.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

The problem is that there aren't any answers. There are lots of possibles - it's possibly the subchorionic hematoma, it's possibly the lost twin, it's possibly neither of those things. It's gotten to the point where I've started asking direct questions about anything I can think of - Do you think I have a blood clotting problem? Do you think I have a blood type problem? etc. So far the best guesses are the twin and the hematoma, and it likely IS one of those things. I just want it to stop. :)

Thank you for the good thoughts. I appreciate it muchly.

[dollraves.livejournal.com]

Sweety, you're scared. Terrified. You have every right to be. You can't make that go away. I wish I were there to help, but since I'm not, just know that there are people out there who love you, are rooting for all 3 of you guys (K, you and baby), and will weep with you in joy and sorrow. I can't take away your fear/pain, I can't give you hope, but I can tell you that I love you all, and that *I* hope for you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I do appreciate all of the support and encouragement we have gotten along the way. Trust me when I say this has made the most difference to us. It is an amazing feeling to see how loved we are and how much everyone already loves our baby. It is truly staggering.

One thing I will say about this is that it really has brought Jen and I even closer together. We have our stressed out moments, but this ordeal has been like CEMENT.

[wendywoowho.livejournal.com]

You're right, it's not supposed to be like this. I'm so sorry that it is like this. It's scary and huge and weird and scary which bears saying more than once. I hope that on Thursday you get more good news, and perhaps more explanations for what is going on and why.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. Here's to continued good news!

[artemis44.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so sorry it's so hard... I wish there were something I could do to help you through this time...

Have you thought about calling your doctor for an ultrasound just to put your mind at ease? Or are you far enough along that they can hear the heartbeat with a doppler thingie? Usually they're willing to do these things in order to keep mama happy and relatively stress-free, and maybe it would help if you had some confirmation that things are still going okay? (I went after falling on the ice, even though I *knew* nothing had happened - so you definitely deserve to go!)

And either way, gosh, it sounds like you're doing really well actually - you're not a disappointment, and you're not a failure, no matter what happens! You're doing the absolute best you can, and unfortunately, this part of the process is just out of your hands. I don't know what you "believe", but maybe now is a time to lean on whatever it is, to focus on the bigger picture rather than the moment-to-moment experience? I don't know, but that helped me a bit when I was on bedrest at the end...

I hope you feel better, and that you get good news soon - and most of all, that you stop that infernal bleeding!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

The problem with the whole "calling the doctor" thing is that I had already had the earliest u/s appointment possible, because the sonographer was taking that Wednesday off. When we ended up at the ER, though, one of the OBs agreed to do our ultrasound so that we would have some sort of resolution, and I really appreciated that.

Now we have a doppler at home and it is hopefully going to get us through all of that time until we can feel the baby move. That will be awesome. And hopefully there will be no more scary bleeding also. *crosses fingers*

Thank you for everything.

[skreeky]

Hmmm, my brain gears are turning as to how to make this weekend as un-stressful as possible for you while allowing you to be social and have *gasp* some fun. I am wondering when you say "sit in front of the television" does that mean that sitting still suffices or do you actually need to be reclining and/or feet up?

No protestations, just answer the question. =) I have other preggers friends that will be needing to sit, and I'm thinking y'all get a reserved section of sofa by decree of the hostess.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Don't sweat it! Your party was the best ever! xo

We miss you guys a lot. Y'all should come out and visit.

[eight.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I try not to comment because I figure hearing from someone who actually did have a miscarriage might not be helpful while your baby still looks safe inside your womb. But I can tell you what I learned during the bleeding days.

When the doctors put me on bedrest, they said, "Stress can make you bleed more." Of course there's no way to turn off that voice inside you that goes into warning whistles at every rising or sign of red - so I avoided Lifetime like the plague, and took to watching a lot of action movies or reality shows on MTV because there usually isn't mention of the P word there. Sometimes playing games on popcap.com was the only way to turn my mind off for a little while.

Everything you're feeling is so undeniably valid, but the fact that the Little One was growing pretty much on target has to be encouraging - You're almost to week 12, Jude, and there are good days on the horizon. I am hoping so much for you to have a healthy Slightly-Larger One next time you take a peak. I promise you wouldn't ruin my day if you ever wanted to talk or just have lunch or something.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you for chiming in. It is appreciated.

It is all of that "wait and see" that is really maddening. I'm really hoping the worst is over after our nightmare at the ER (it has been one week since then, one whole week - that's good right?) and the fact that we have the home doppler now is really reassuring. It's the best money we've spent over the holidays for sure. Instant reassurance!

We should definitely have lunch or coffee or something sometime soon - bleeding or no bleeding. We can certainly base our friendship on other things, too! xo

[skatured.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of you -- and thank you for sharing this. It love honest, and not-always-pretty-posts...they are what being human is about.

[skatured.livejournal.com]

Not that I want to see these all the time...what I meant was that this post isn't just "gratuitous" -- that writing about it often makes you feel a teeny bit better...like putting 'worry' into physical matter so that you can deal with it a little better. That is what I meant - why I can't write it the first time? Uhh I dunno.

[lunamoonwmn01.livejournal.com]

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. It is terrifying and horrible. You are doing the best you can. I *know* how hard it is when you are going through stuff but *please* try and not be so hard on yourself. If Jen was the one experiencing all this, wouldn't you want her to let you be there for you? As spouses, that's our/their job! Let people be there for you - don't be afraid to take people up on offers for help if they are offering, or outright ask.

You're doing the best you can do. People won't die without gifts, so let go of that. You can always shop online too, or give belated gifts.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know it's not about gifts... it's actually about ME. I /like/ buying gifts for people, especially people I like, and being out there shopping during the holiday season makes me feel normal. This whole experience has been so humbling because I haven't had a lot of opportunities to just feel like a "normal" person, whatever that means. Even when I was giving myself injections, I still did everything I wanted to do (and just took a lot of antibacterial stuff along) because I didn't want the TTC process to change me in any way. Now motherhood has already changed us, and I guess I wasn't prepared for that.

Jen is working hard to be there for me, but sometimes you just have to wallow in your own head. At least I do. I think too much. :)

[kjames.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry. this totally sucks. i have nothing else i can say to you other than that i will continue to pray.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

Looking back, it is kind of amazing how aware I am of things. I mean, not long after I wrote this, I started with all of the bleeding and cramping. It is somewhat comforting to know that I know my body. I guess I can take that with me.

[jeney.livejournal.com]

It makes me so sad that you have to go through this.

I'm sorry. It's undeniably crappy.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Jeney. I appreciate all of your support and love.

[lizardjee.livejournal.com]

i am sorry that you have to go through this. are you on any meds for the pregnancy? forgive me for not having read back further. our RE was very aggressive and i was on progesterone, baby asprin, hcg booster shots, and lovenox.

you are in our thoughts.

i have a friend who bled like a period throughout her pregnany after years of infertility, and had to be induced post dates.

hang in there.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about not reading back!

All I take is Metformin and prenatals. My RE never did any progesterone checks (7dpo or at BFP or anything) so I never knew if my levels were good enough, though I do have a 14-15 day luteal phase so I always assumed all was good. He never checked for anything else either, as I'd never been pregnant so don't have a loss history or anything like that.

I asked one of the OBs at my practice if he thought I could have some sort of blood problem and he said it wasn't likely given the presentation. So I will just stick with what I've been doing for now.

[buddhafly4224.livejournal.com]

jude, if there's anything i can do, get for you, whatever, please let me know. also, us social worker types are great listeners. i'm really just around the corner.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You are so sweet! xo

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

I'm so sad for you, and I'm glad you're talking about it.

There is still hope, and I'm praying for all of you daily. *hugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you for all of your love and prayers.

[tea-soaked.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thinking good thoughts for your all.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you for everything.

[smurfbrother.livejournal.com]

Hey, if Christmas shopping for me isn't the absolute last thing on your list of things to worry about, please plant it there firmly.

Just try to hang in there.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

But I /like/ Christmas shopping for you!!

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

This shouldn't be so hard ... you're right. Unfortunately when you've dealt with infertility and loss it's super easy to get worked up.

Things that helped me in the first trimester: BABY DOPPLER. Can't tell you how much this put my mind at ease (and still does some days). You can rent them for $25 a month at babybeat.com. I know you're probably thinking you'll stress more if you can't find the heartbeat ... but honestly it has saved me many sleepless nights.

Also, your OB should let you come in for an u/s if you're having increased amounts of bleeding etc... I know you have one on Thursday, but if it would make you feel better to go tomorrow then I would call them and go!

There is nothing anyone can say or do to make you feel better. Just know that you need to rest right now and you shouldn't feel bad for putting your needs and baby's needs ahead of everyone else's for now. Jen is taking good care of you ... let her. You'd do the same if the situation was reversed. If you house looks like crap, you look like crap, etc... just let it go because you have an important job right now and that is to try to stay as stress free and as *selfish* as it sounds your #1 priority is your health.

I love you and want you to know I've been where you are ... know it's scary as hell and am thinking of you. :)

[oddharmonic.livejournal.com]

I second the baby doppler rental suggestion. One of my friends that went through a miscarriage rented one after the next time she got pregnant and says it's a great relief to be able to hear the heartbeat at home.

Being pregnant is more important than stressing over things you can take care of later.

[cappucinogrrl.livejournal.com]

Putting this out here is not awful nor pathetic. You want support and reassurance, and we want to give it to you. And don't worry about holiday gifts, I'm sure Jen and your brother understand.

I'm really sorry you're going through all this. If I lived closer I'd come visit and bring you Jew food or something. My mom said that she spotted for a long time when she was pregnant with my brother, and that some women do bleed all 9 months and still produce a healthy child.

You could never be a disappointment.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Jew food would totally make it all better, you know. As does your support. It is so amazing to have such awesome friends. For real.

HUG.

[aminahfiddler.livejournal.com]

Jude, I'm not sure what to say or how to offer support but I did want you to know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you for everything. We appreciate it.

[bit-of-muslin.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of you and sending super-deluxe good vibes and positive energy your way!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you for everything!

I think, in a way, that this IS what it's supposed to be like.

[drainbead.livejournal.com]

Your concern is all part of being a mother. My mother once told me that being a parent is constant nagging worry until they're old enough to take care of themselves (which for me, I think, was about age 25), and then just moments of worry from time to time. So in a way, what you're feeling is perfectly normal, and very justified, given all that you've gone through just to make it to this point. Not everything about getting pregnant and becoming a parent is all sunshine and roses and rainbows and lollipops. Hell, I'd imagine the vast majority of it isn't. It's stinky diapers and sleepless nights and screaming tantrums in the grocery store and your daughter coming home with blue hair and a boyfriend named Boner. It's constant stress but immeasurable strength, and I know you're capable of going through everything that it takes. You are in my thoughts constantly, but I do not worry that you will not be able to handle anything that life brings your way. I have faith in your strength, and right now you need to focus that strength and be strong for your baby. I have faith that Jen knows this and understands. I know you appreciate how hard she works for her family, but your work is just as hard, only different.

Watching you and Nikki and Patti and Lise and wait and all my other new-parent friends go through all these trials really gives me a respect for the strength of motherhood that I hadn't really appreciated before. I hope someday I can be half as strong as all of you.

Re: I think, in a way, that this IS what it's supposed to be like.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You know, you're a tough girl and you can totally pull it off.

I guess the maddening thing about parenthood is how completely out of control the whole thing is. I kind of expected that part to start around, oh, say the birth but it is just kicking me in the ass a lot earlier and I guess that has taken some getting used to. Once I decided to relinquish the control in the situation, it got a lot more manageable. Hopefully I can keep this attitude when the kid actually comes, but hey, I'm human and I'm going to screw up.

This sure is a crazy ride. Thanks for coming along with me.

[amyura.livejournal.com]

*hugs* and much love to you. Fuck the Christmas shopping-- that's not what it's supposed to be about anyhow. If you need to rest, rest. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to vent, vent.

What you DO need to do is, burn your copy of What To Expect... if you have one.

FWIW.....I worried until I hit week 14 or so. And then I found new things to worry about. It really does suck, your feelings are totally legitimate.

Good luck at the sonographer's.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh don't worry, I would never own one of those What to Expect books. :)

13 weeks today, and with the doppler, the worry is a little less. It's a nice change. Maybe I'm ready to start shopping and taking belly pictures.

[violane.livejournal.com]

Sorry about all the worry. One thing I didn't anticipate about pregnancy is how much of it is just totally out of our control, even with all the medicine available to us. It sucks and I don't think the worry ever stops. But I do read TONS of stories about women who bleed for weeks and weeks and their babies are fine. There are just so many reasons why it could be happening, and sometimes you never find out the full story. For now I see every reason for you to stay hopeful. :)

Lots of hope and good wishes to you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I totally know what you're saying. Once we got to the ER and I had all of that bleeding, I just had a sudden, smacking urge to LET IT GO. There really isn't anything I can do except not do stupid things... otherwise, the Universe is going to do what it's going to do and we are just along for the ride trying to make good choices. Yes, I would like a more worry-free pregnancy but I guess we will have to go along with the pregnancy we are given and be thankful for that.

Thank you for everything.

[iansha.livejournal.com]

I know if it were me in that same position, I'd be a BASKET case.

All of your reactions are completely understandable given the situation.

I know I wish there was only more I could do to help/comfort you.

I'll keep praying that all turns out well.
*hugs* I love you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh don't worry, I definitely have my basket case moments. It's just easier to hide those over the internet. ;)

xoxo Love you.

[carina-s.livejournal.com]

*BIG HUGS*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

HUGS!!