LBO

[judecorp]

Just a little switch to the serious side of life for a moment...

My Jennifer has been complaining of tenderness in her left breast for quite some time now. At first I thought it was a cycle thing, or that she'd bumped it but good while moving, but she kept saying that it bothered her and it seemed to be MORE bothersome and MORE painful, and I was ready to call the doctor if she wasn't going to. But she did.

Now my single biggest fear in the whole world is that Jen will die of cancer. I don't think I ever thought of this before Jennifer Palmer died, and she was so young and so strong and so gorgeous that it really smacked me in the face. And then a couple of years later, Mark Palmer died and he was just as strong and wonderful (though he'd aged a couple of years) and man, ever since the Palmers I am /terrified/ of cancer. It's weird because there is practically no cancer in my family that I know of. My grandmother's brother died of colon cancer a billion years ago and technically my grandmother did have a bit of skin cancer removed last year, but there was never any Capital-C-Cancer or chemotherapy in my family or even in my general life.

A friend of mine had a cancerous lump removed from her breast about a year ago and it brought it all back. Cancer. It can happen to anyone. It can happen to JEN. Even the mere thought of it sucks all of the breath from my chest and tightens my throat. Every time.

So for the last couple of days, as the doctor's appointment for the LBO (left breast owwie, it's a technical term) approached, it was all I could think about. My wife was going to have breast cancer, and she's had it for so long that it's causing major pain, and we're going to have a baby and she's going to die a painful death. Sure I'm a fatalist, but it's my worst reoccuring nightmare. We laid in bed last night, my back to her front, her hand on my belly, and all I could think about was the cancer that was probably lurking behind my back hurting my wife. Cancer cancer cancer. Such an evil little word.

Thankfully the doctor thinks it's probably hormone related and suggested keeping an eye on it and changing some bras. She doesn't think it's cancer. She told her not to stress about it. Thank God.

I honestly don't know what I would do with myself.

Comments

[changinglight.livejournal.com]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am relieved as well, and know how terrifying the thought of cancer can be. And all of a sudden, I work in an institution where I'm confronted with my worst fear all the time. And have learned from the folks there repeatedly that cancer is hard, but it isn't a death sentence. And let me just say that if this was cancer, I would have pulled all of my strings af Dana Farber to get her the best possible care in the world.

But, it's not. And that's just fucking wonderful.

And my thoughts and prayers are with all of you these days...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Realistically I know that cancer is not always a death sentence. But losing two people (my age) that were really healthy after really awful cancer fights sticks with me a little more than the folks I know who survived. Which isn't fair, but when are fears fair? :) A woman I vaguely know online just had her daughter diagnosed with leukemia last week, too - that doesn't help.

But it's the Palmers that always get to me. They were so young, one of stomach cancer and one of colon cancer... both dead before their son was 4 years old.

[aminahfiddler.livejournal.com]

Cancer is scary. I hope all the tests come back negative. They are doing testing right? At least a mammogram. Make them do one if they aren't. Mammograms aren't bad, the machine is usually just a bit cold. The first time can be weird when some stranger is moving your breast around.

My mom is a Breast cancer survivor, 9 years now. I've been having a mammogram annually for about 10 years now.

I keep saying I'm going to do the 3 day walk thingy. Not this year for me. Maybe next or the one after that.

Hugs to both you and Jen.

[kieron.livejournal.com]

She said that because of my age and the density of the breast tissue - if she couldn't feel a cyst or lump with the exam she did it was unlikely that a mammogram or ultrasound would pick it up since they do not pick up small cysts and yadda yadda other stuff....

I see her again in three weeks for a regular physical and another exam so she will check again...

While I am all for making sure I have no cancer - my breast has been killing me all day just from the regular touching exam - a mammogram would have been torture just now.

[aminahfiddler.livejournal.com]

Whew that is good news. Sometimes I'm sore and it's hormonally related. I use a heating pad and it makes the world all good again.

[rizzo41.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you are going through that, jen. I went through it 2 years ago, too. Mysterious ripping pains for weeks on end. My doctor even told me the same thing "I don't think it's anything, but the tissue is too dense for me to feel anything anyway." Considering the breast cancer panic they put into us the second we grow boobs I think that's really frustrating. He did, however, send me for an ultrasound or sonogram or something because he said a maaaaaaaammogram wouldn't show anything. I'd push for one of the tests anyway if the pain keeps up just to put your head at rest.

Good luck.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ha ha, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammogram!

[rizzo41.livejournal.com]

His name is Pete, you used to go out with a Pete. Ohmygawwwwd!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Aah, the good old days!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I thought they would recommend a mammogram or sonogram or something but the doctor didn't. Jen said the doctor said they weren't likely to find something on the mammogram if she couldn't feel it on a manual exam, but I know I would feel better with some sort of "proof," you know?

That's awesome that your mom is a survivor. I'd love to do the 3day walk, too.

[etherial.livejournal.com]

My first thought was sympathy pains.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I wish. But I haven't had any. :( And these are very real.

[sudrin.livejournal.com]

Its because I talked about boobs in your blog! I'll never talk about boobs again!!

(Seriously though, I hope everything is okay)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ha! Don't worry, there isn't anything you did. And you can talk about boobs any old time. :)

p.s. I like the new picture!

[childlight.livejournal.com]

I understand..I do the same thing sometimes...my husband is 9 years older than me and sometimes I get all worried that because he is older I will lose him sooner. I am a worrier too.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I am always on Jen about her health. It probably gets pretty annoying but I just can't help it. I want her to live forever and am always worrying about her blood pressure and cholesterol and breathing and everything. I was always a bit of a worrier but it kind of got kicked into overdrive when my dad died suddenly in 2005.

I just want her around forever!

[amyura.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'll be thinking of you guys.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

I am glad things are okay. I completely get the irrational fear of your spouse dying -- I get that too.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's just far too much for me to even think about, most of the time. Because when it DOES get in there, it sticks for a while.

Sigh.

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

It does for me, too. *hug*

[rainbow-slinky.livejournal.com]

One thing that drives me crazy lately is when doctors don't do further exams simply because "you're too young to have cancer". Between the Palmers, my friend Karen (kamigirl25) and a few others, I refuse to accept that as a valid reason for not doing further tests. Luckily it doesn't seem further testing is warranted in this situation. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know - it is so infuriating! I really hope they DO keep an eye on this, though, and are not just so quick to dismiss concerns because we want to hear good news. I will continue to be persistent about this.

[rainbow-slinky.livejournal.com]

Definitely something to keep an eye on. I have very weird "tissue?" in my breasts like at my ribcage and on my legs just above my knees. Something as simple as a finger poking either spot is HORRIBLY painful. No clue what it is, but as I've had it all my life, it's obviously nothing to worry about. Maybe it's something similar, since things change as we get older. :/

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

This whole "getting older" thing is kind of lame, seriously. I mean, I never worried about any of this stuff 10 years ago. The 30s are so serious.

That's really weird about the mystery pain. I'm glad it's nothing serious.

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

Losing Joel is one of my worst fears too. Good to hear Jen is ok.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I think the whole "having a baby" thing is only going to make it worse. For both of us.

[kseptember44.livejournal.com]

I know you do not know me but I had the same problem and my doctor told me to start taking Vitamin E- it really worked. She also said to limit sodium intake,reduce caffeine intake (coffee, tea, soft drinks, chocolate). And the last thing was to relax. Some breast pain can be caused by stress and may go away by reducing anxiety and tension. Who knew??

I have to say I cut back on the caffeine and took the vitamin E.
Every now and then I get pain and look back I had a great deal of caffeine around the same time. Hope she feels better-

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I will let Jen know about the Vitamin E. She and I are caffiene free so it can't be that (I mean there is the occasional chocolate but no coffee, tea, soda). As for stress, interesting, I wonder how you can avoid stress! I love when doctors say that, as if we can just get a prescription for a spa vacation. :)

(And I know you, you're a friend of rainbow_slinky. At least, I recognize your name.)

Right now the doctor thinks it's hormonal caused by going off and then back on birth control pills in a short time (she missed 2 months because we were moving and she had no health insurance), so we'll see if things even out soon.

[whirledpeas.livejournal.com]

I don't know how I missed this post - sorry. Wow, scary stuff.

You know, the good news is that it hurt...one thing I learned going through that is that if it HURTS...it's a good thing. A lump that doesn't hurt is more worrysome than a lump that does.

I'm all over my boobs like a fly on poop now...(I just wish someone ELSE were too!)...and I'm happy to say that my full year of clear mam-os happened in July so now I can go every 4 months instead of 3....until July 2007...when I can skip to every 6. I can't believe I'm 29 and have had 7 mamograms in my lifetime already.

I'm glad that the doc is fairly certain that thngs are normal. I'm also glad that it hurt...because I get nervy when it DOESN'T.

Boobs. Boobs. Boobs.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear that things have been going well for you. I think of you often when it comes to stuff like this. And dang, girl, I can't believe you're only 29! :)

I never thought I would be happy that something hurt. It seems so counterintuitive, you know? :)