Radio Silence induced by Melodrama
Apr. 24th, 2007 08:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpI haven't really felt like I had much to say around these parts, and I guess I still don't. Things continue to be very difficult for me emotionally and I am having a hard time keeping it together. I'm sure it is enhanced by hormones, and I miss my hormone-free days of yore with no periods and no moodiness. As of right now I am still forcing myself to eat, but I can't seem to get a good amount of sleep. All of the dreams I have are full of disappointment or sadness. Heck, the other night I had a dream that my grandfather (who is 89 and has been married to my grandmother for like 63 years) was having an affair with his physical therapist (he doesn't even HAVE a physical therapist).
I know that adding guilt onto sadness is neither happy nor productive, but I feel terribly guilty about my sweet, innocent baby who is having to deal with my lack of appetite, lack of sleep, occasional stress-related vomiting, and all of the crying, crying, crying. Today will be Day 9 - how long can this go on?
I was totally fine with the realization early on that we wouldn't have a baby shower for our little girl, because having a "gift party" isn't really my bag and I knew that there wasn't anyone I could think of who really cared enough to make something like that happen. When we went to Melis's shower and saw how much care and effort and love went into it by her two best friends (lovely girls, both of them) and SIL, I just knew and was okay with it. I have friends, but good friends? Imagine my surprise when some local friends told me they wanted to throw me a shower! I couldn't even believe it but was so, so touched.
Their backing out hurts not because of the lack of a party, because I can have a party any old day, but because of the lack of close friendship I've felt since I left Columbus in 2004. When my father died suddenly in 2005 and in the days and weeks to follow I did not receive a single call from anyone asking if I was okay, or wanting to take my mind off things, I knew. But to think that someone could casually offer, and then retract, something that meant so much emotionally sends my head spinning. Sure, not everyone puts the kinds of meanings into things that I might. Sure, for some people it might be "just a party." But 9 days later, still trying to pick it back up and get it together for (at the very least) the health of my baby, still no word as to why, still no acknowledgment of how much this HURTS.
Jen keeps wanting to help by going "full steam ahead" on the party, planning it ourselves, sending our own invites, coming up with the money and time somehow to purchase party items and get them all together. For 8 days, all talk in this house has been on how Jen can save the party.
The party. It's salvageable for sure. But who can save my heart?
I know that adding guilt onto sadness is neither happy nor productive, but I feel terribly guilty about my sweet, innocent baby who is having to deal with my lack of appetite, lack of sleep, occasional stress-related vomiting, and all of the crying, crying, crying. Today will be Day 9 - how long can this go on?
I was totally fine with the realization early on that we wouldn't have a baby shower for our little girl, because having a "gift party" isn't really my bag and I knew that there wasn't anyone I could think of who really cared enough to make something like that happen. When we went to Melis's shower and saw how much care and effort and love went into it by her two best friends (lovely girls, both of them) and SIL, I just knew and was okay with it. I have friends, but good friends? Imagine my surprise when some local friends told me they wanted to throw me a shower! I couldn't even believe it but was so, so touched.
Their backing out hurts not because of the lack of a party, because I can have a party any old day, but because of the lack of close friendship I've felt since I left Columbus in 2004. When my father died suddenly in 2005 and in the days and weeks to follow I did not receive a single call from anyone asking if I was okay, or wanting to take my mind off things, I knew. But to think that someone could casually offer, and then retract, something that meant so much emotionally sends my head spinning. Sure, not everyone puts the kinds of meanings into things that I might. Sure, for some people it might be "just a party." But 9 days later, still trying to pick it back up and get it together for (at the very least) the health of my baby, still no word as to why, still no acknowledgment of how much this HURTS.
Jen keeps wanting to help by going "full steam ahead" on the party, planning it ourselves, sending our own invites, coming up with the money and time somehow to purchase party items and get them all together. For 8 days, all talk in this house has been on how Jen can save the party.
The party. It's salvageable for sure. But who can save my heart?
