Two years

[judecorp]

Two years ago last night I did one of the most difficult things I've ever done - I signed my father's DNR. I spent that night completely unable to sleep, so sure the phone was going to ring with "the news" before my brother could get into town. I think at one point, while I was signing, I actually told the witness on the DL that my brother was scheduled to come the next afternoon, so, you know, they could, you know.

But we didn't get the call, and Dad held on until Rick got to spend a couple of minutes in the room, which was and still is a great source of comfort to me. They didn't always have the greatest of relationships and I just didn't want things to go down that way. Dad and I were always closer, I suppose, than Dad and Rick, and in fact, I couldn't really stay in the room at all when he was in the ICU because every time I was around, he got incredibly agitated. I was worried that somehow I would do him in, so I took a backseat to all of the other visitors and goodbye-sayers.

It's so hard to know, sometimes, that my Jennifer and I are only really able to be where we are today - with a house of our own in a new town and a baby on the way - because we lost my Dad. It's hard because out of everyone in my family, I think he would have been the most tickled on both counts, house and baby. Dad always wanted me to have a baby, and while he was cool with the fact that I told him it would never happen, I think he held out a secret hope. And I think he gets some pleasure out of being right, but I bet he wishes he had the opportunity to be a grandfather.

Now that having a baby is right around the proverbial corner and I can't imagine going back, I guess I have to understand that things happen for a reason and all we can do is go forward and make the best of everything. But that sure doesn't mean I don't wish I could have both, and I know we would have found a way to make it work. You sure didn't have to die to con me into having a baby, you stubborn, irreverent man. ;)



I suppose in a lot of ways it's fitting that Jen and I are going to a baseball game this evening. It was somewhat of a coincidence, I suppose, but one of which I won't miss the significance.

Comments

[artemis44.livejournal.com]

((((((hugsfromacompletestranger)))))))


Tough story, but it sounds like you have good memories to hold on to... enjoy the game tonight!

(I had a picture of my grandfather in the delivery room, and we look at it all the time now - I'm determined that he'll know who he was named after, one way or another... and I know that Dal is watching over my son somehow... I can just feel it.)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Heh, we're actually naming our kid half after my grandfather, too. But my grandfather is very much alive, and let us know at Easter time that he is not in favor of the name. It's a "boy's name" afterall.

HA!

[artemis44.livejournal.com]

LOL!

[shanneeluee.livejournal.com]

I think it's sweet that you'll get to be at a game tonight. Whether it happened by chance or not, what a great way to remember him.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I hope the weather is nice and we have a good time!

[girlonthewire.livejournal.com]

hugs to you and i'm glad you shared a bit about your dad's story (and yours). and i totally adore the photo and his pink cheeks!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

The red cheek thing seems to run in my family. My cheeks are pinkish but I don't seem to have the "family cheeks." Perhaps it's a male thing? My grandfather has adorable ruddy cheeks as well.

We're cute people.

[cappucinogrrl.livejournal.com]

Your cheeks may not be as red, but the shape of your dad's face/cheeks reminded me of you. It's definitely in the eyes, too.

And yes, you're very cute people.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

CUTE LIKE YOU!

[girlonthewire.livejournal.com]

yes, cute people from what i've seen. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Like YOU!

[laursabeth.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you're paying him a meaningful tribute by going for all of those things that he could have hoped for you to have. Regardless, I can't imagine what you're feeling in this and just wish you peace in your processing.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks, L.

We're a pretty tough gang in my family and no one really talks about any of these things. I'm sure I'll call my grandparents this afternoon and let them know I'm thinking of them, and they'll be chatty. When my dad died, my grandfather kept apologizing for crying. Poor guy.

I just want my cake and to eat it, too.

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I bet your Dad would be so proud of you. In fact, I'm sure he had something to do with the miracle you're about to bring into this world. Have fun at the game tonight. *hugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'd sure like to think so. That would be awfully nice.

I thought of you the other day... when the Sox creamed the Rangers. ;)

[cider.livejournal.com]

What a sweet tribute. Hug from me.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks, man.

[wendywoowho.livejournal.com]

Dig that big smile.

:HUGS:

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we're a family of cheeseballs!

[kieron.livejournal.com]

I wish that your dad was here - even if it meant that we didn't have the house - though I know we would still have the baby. We were going to no matter what....

I know how much he meant to you and how much he means to you. I learned so much about him after his passing that I regret not knowing him longer in life. Though the life we *did* share when he was alive was definitely interesting to say the least!;)

I hope he is happy that you and I are making a go at life together and that his daughter and grand daughter are in my care....I hope he knows that you both are well loved and cared for. While I won't share the watch comment I will probably tell her about the lumberjack joke sometime.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I can't see any reason why he wouldn't be happy. Well, except for the part where he said I always struck him as that kind of person who would be happier alone. ;) I'm not really sure what he meant by that - I guess that I was independent and he was looking for someone else to be alone with. I dunno.

I just know that he liked you very much, and that is enough for me.

[aminahfiddler.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you shared that story with us!! and the picture. You look like your dad.

I'd say drink a beer at the game for your dad but well that won't work so I guess you'll have to have a hot dog instead.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I do. I look like my mom, too. I guess that's good, right? When I was younger I definitely looked like my dad more, but as I get older (and my face got thinner) I have started resembling my mom more. It's weird how that happens. But my parents look a great deal alike. It's odd that two black-haired, blue-eyed, short people found each other. :)

Yeah, no beer for me (yet). That's probably good, though, because ballpark beer tends to be nasty.

[thespian.livejournal.com]

I've always thought that was a fabulous picture of your dad.

(sidenote: I need your address)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

My dad really got a kick out of you. I guess because you're a unique sort of person that doesn't get riled when people say inappropriate things. :)

I'll e-mail you.

[hotfirecrotch.livejournal.com]

Great photo. He looks like a great dad. I'm glad you're going to a game tonight, too.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You know, he wasn't always the best dad. A lot of the time when I was a kid, he wasn't even CLOSE to the best dad. For whatever reason, when I was 17 and had graduated from high school, he decided to apologize to me. I don't know why, and it was unprovoked. It made a difference.

Come to the game with us!

[kat-chan.livejournal.com]

This post is both touchingly sad, and upliftingly funny. Thank you for sharing. I know it can't be easy to have this anniversary, but there is good and I'm glad you know your father would be pleased. *hugs*

I know that I'm probably the one who will be making these decisions for at least one of my parents as the oldest local kid. It's not something that I look forward to. I am glad that I know my mom's wishes, but my dad won't even begin to talk about his. At least not to us. :\

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it sucks when people don't talk about this stuff. My grandparents have made their wishes known. Too much, really. They're planners and like to have things tidy, so they bought their headstones and plots a million years ago and, get this, they had them ENGRAVED already (everything but the date of death). I remember my grandmother showing them to me when I was a kid and I /flipped out/.

My dad, however, was another story. He had mentioned some wishes but had nothing organized. We didn't know where anything was. He didn't have a will. He had THREE safe deposit boxes at the bank with no keys, and we paid to have them all drilled open and they were EMPTY. It was like Al Capone's Vaults. Oh, man. I will never do that to my kids.

The one thing I know above anything else is that my dad has always been proud of me. Perhaps he didn't have high expectations, but perhaps I'm Just That Good. ;)

[kat-chan.livejournal.com]

Of course it's that you're That Good. :)

[angelhsent.livejournal.com]

I am such a emotional mess lately that this entry made me cry. *(((hugs)))* thank you for sharing this part of you.I simply love his red cheeks

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh no, no crying! Crying is not allowed! :)

The way things turn out...

[dianamarie.livejournal.com]

The time of reflection is a hard time. Of course you know what I mean, as we have these odd timings between us sometimes. It's healthy that you remember. I'm not telling you anything you don't know, of course. ;)

I know you would give up the comfort you and your beautiful woman have, just to get your Dad back, and you'd NEVER have chosen this to happen. All the same, the cards we are dealt are all we have to play with, and as you noted, I think your dad would be pretty darn happy with the way you are handling things. That is sometimes all the peace we can have, and I hope that peace will fill your heart and let you bring joy forward every day into the place where your family lives in his memory.

Re: The way things turn out...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know that all that we can do is play the hand that we're given, but who doesn't like to cheat a little bit sometimes, you know? I think it's human nature to want what we can't have... and then a little more.

Thanks for writing. I miss you.

[childlight.livejournal.com]

I can see the resemblance between the two of you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's true. We look alike. I also look a great deal like my mother. Maybe THEY look alike? That would be creepy.

thinking of you

[luloubelle.livejournal.com]

I can't believe it's been two years... though it seems like forever that he's been gone, it still seems like yesterday that he was here.

*bear hugs*

Love ya.

Re: thinking of you

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know, right? The time just flies by, it is so freaking crazy.

Sometimes I'm still like, "Oh, I should call Dad." It's nuts.

HUG

[shellipsm.livejournal.com]

He TOTALLY looks like "Santa Claus in disguise!" You know, like Santa in the off season.

What a wonderful picture.

What a wonderful memory.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it would be funny if Santa liked to take in some sports on his summer vacations. I always thought my dad looked kind of like Captain Kangaroo, too. Especially when he had a little more belly.

Thanks for writing. I hope things are going well for you and N. and the girl.