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First Topic: My First Marriage
Mar. 12th, 2008 08:40 pmThis was a pretty popular topic. It was suggested twice!
you've mentioned in the past that you were married to a man years ago. how did you know that you were attracted to women? did people support you when you came out?
what's the story behind being married to a dude, getting divorced, and getting together with jen? do you identify as gay/lesbian or bi or something else? and while we're asking personal questions: how old were you when you got married and divorced?
I got married the first time in August of 1999, when I was 23 years old, to a guy I had been dating since 1996. We broke up in 2001 but the divorce (well, dissolution: we had an uncontested thing) didn't go through until late spring of 2002. He and I were friends, then we dated long distance, then we got engaged and were still long distance, then I moved up to Maine to be with him, and then we got married. We moved to Ohio together, originally because he wanted to go to graduate school there in natural resources management. He ended up not getting into school at the time, and now does some sort of computer stuff and is in graduate school for computer stuff as well. He is still in Columbus.
Sad for both of you, there really isn't any big scandal or shocking revelation. :) I didn't get divorced because I was queer and there was no Jerry Springer action. We actually just really stopped getting along and our relationship got really REALLY crappy, which sucked because we had been very good friends. It was very amicable aside from the initial splitting up and we still stay in touch. We didn't own anything really so the actual legality of everything was really easy also.
I had some hot girl-on-girl action before A and I got together but no actual full-on relationships. Not for any big reason - I was an equal-opportunity dater and just didn't know a lot of available girls at the time. I consider myself "queer" both because I will date a person regardless of gender and because I'm pretty loose with my own gender identity. Since both "lesbian" and "bi" involve a binary concept of gender, I don't really fit. I have pretty much been involved with the whole gender spectrum - bio males, bio females, MtF, FtM, and genderqueer - and while I will say that sexually I prefer female-bodied folks, it's not an absolute. I realized I was queer in high school. I went to Catholic school, though, so I didn't have a lot of opportunities. :)
Jen and I actually met in 1995 - so before I got with my ex. We were friends the whole time A and I were together, and A and I even went on at least one double date with Jen and one of her exes. (A had a crush on Jen's ex, E, big time.) We lost touch for a while and got back in touch after A and I split up, got to talking a lot, spent a weekend away together, and the rest is history.
This seems weird now, I guess because kids come out so early these days, but I never really came out or whatever. I think the closest thing to coming out was when I was in my first year of college and I asked my father if he would be upset if I brought a girl home. (It was totally hypothetical.) He said no. I guess at one point after I was married to A I told my mother that if A and I hadn't gotten together I would probably have a girlfriend, but I don't think she really believed me. My mother and I don't talk a heck of a lot about anything personal.
To be honest, I was more worried about what my family would think about my getting divorced than about being with a woman. My family, especially my grandparents, is very Catholic and while there is a lot of divorce in my family, I did not intend to follow along in that tradition. It's VERY humbling to have a big wedding where you pledge your commitment to someone in front of all of your family and then later take it back. It was AWFUL telling everyone that A and I had split up. Awful. (He actually didn't tell his family for many months after, and we had to pretend we were still together when his dad was dying.)
Obviously at this point my entire family knows that Jen and I are together, even though we didn't have a wedding ceremony (we went to City Hall). She stood in the family line at my father's wake/funeral and is a permanent fixture in my family. My mom was really weird about things for a while (but really, she is weird about a lot of things) but eventually she got over it.
Like I said, no drama. Sorry! :)
you've mentioned in the past that you were married to a man years ago. how did you know that you were attracted to women? did people support you when you came out?
what's the story behind being married to a dude, getting divorced, and getting together with jen? do you identify as gay/lesbian or bi or something else? and while we're asking personal questions: how old were you when you got married and divorced?
I got married the first time in August of 1999, when I was 23 years old, to a guy I had been dating since 1996. We broke up in 2001 but the divorce (well, dissolution: we had an uncontested thing) didn't go through until late spring of 2002. He and I were friends, then we dated long distance, then we got engaged and were still long distance, then I moved up to Maine to be with him, and then we got married. We moved to Ohio together, originally because he wanted to go to graduate school there in natural resources management. He ended up not getting into school at the time, and now does some sort of computer stuff and is in graduate school for computer stuff as well. He is still in Columbus.
Sad for both of you, there really isn't any big scandal or shocking revelation. :) I didn't get divorced because I was queer and there was no Jerry Springer action. We actually just really stopped getting along and our relationship got really REALLY crappy, which sucked because we had been very good friends. It was very amicable aside from the initial splitting up and we still stay in touch. We didn't own anything really so the actual legality of everything was really easy also.
I had some hot girl-on-girl action before A and I got together but no actual full-on relationships. Not for any big reason - I was an equal-opportunity dater and just didn't know a lot of available girls at the time. I consider myself "queer" both because I will date a person regardless of gender and because I'm pretty loose with my own gender identity. Since both "lesbian" and "bi" involve a binary concept of gender, I don't really fit. I have pretty much been involved with the whole gender spectrum - bio males, bio females, MtF, FtM, and genderqueer - and while I will say that sexually I prefer female-bodied folks, it's not an absolute. I realized I was queer in high school. I went to Catholic school, though, so I didn't have a lot of opportunities. :)
Jen and I actually met in 1995 - so before I got with my ex. We were friends the whole time A and I were together, and A and I even went on at least one double date with Jen and one of her exes. (A had a crush on Jen's ex, E, big time.) We lost touch for a while and got back in touch after A and I split up, got to talking a lot, spent a weekend away together, and the rest is history.
This seems weird now, I guess because kids come out so early these days, but I never really came out or whatever. I think the closest thing to coming out was when I was in my first year of college and I asked my father if he would be upset if I brought a girl home. (It was totally hypothetical.) He said no. I guess at one point after I was married to A I told my mother that if A and I hadn't gotten together I would probably have a girlfriend, but I don't think she really believed me. My mother and I don't talk a heck of a lot about anything personal.
To be honest, I was more worried about what my family would think about my getting divorced than about being with a woman. My family, especially my grandparents, is very Catholic and while there is a lot of divorce in my family, I did not intend to follow along in that tradition. It's VERY humbling to have a big wedding where you pledge your commitment to someone in front of all of your family and then later take it back. It was AWFUL telling everyone that A and I had split up. Awful. (He actually didn't tell his family for many months after, and we had to pretend we were still together when his dad was dying.)
Obviously at this point my entire family knows that Jen and I are together, even though we didn't have a wedding ceremony (we went to City Hall). She stood in the family line at my father's wake/funeral and is a permanent fixture in my family. My mom was really weird about things for a while (but really, she is weird about a lot of things) but eventually she got over it.
Like I said, no drama. Sorry! :)
