Fatherless on Father's Day

[judecorp]

So Father's Day is next weekend, and I'm finding myself at a bit of a loss.

It's been four years now since my father died, and now it's been two months (yesterday) since my grandfather died. I am so used to at least celebrating /something/ for Father's Day, and now what? It's been four years since I bought anything for my father, and now I don't even have to scout around for that perfect gift for Grandpa. Super sad.

Jen's father is alive (and well), but I don't usually take responsibility for that - she usually gets a card or whatever and I always concentrated on my side of the family. And I can't imagine not having Punk do some little Father's Day thing. I'm sure they will make something at day care (not sure; we started after Father's Day last year) and then what do we do with it?

My mother has been married to a man for 24 years. I do not consider him a father figure. Is that odd? This man has been in my life for 24+ years. I have never called him my step-father, only my "mother's husband." I did not live with them. I did not spend a ton of time with him. I saw my mother on Saturdays and John was often working. He was not parental; it was not his thing. He refers to himself as "Poppa John" WRT Punk. (Not to be confused with the pizza, I suppose.)

Should I send him something from Punk? I didn't last year. I have never sent him anything Father's Day related from myself. But when it comes to my side of the family now, he is the only grandfather-ly person Punk has.

That feels so odd to me. Fatherless on Father's Day. Punk has always been fatherless and I know how to deal with that, because we planned for that... but not for me.

Phooey.

Comments

[violane.livejournal.com]

:( I don't know if this is the same thing, but I have found it unsatisfying to force a familial celebration WRT Ben with people like my brother and Michael's sister, who are kind of lame in the uncle and aunt department. Michael's father passed away in 2004, so on Father's Day we tend to remember him with Michael's mom (and of course I do nice things for Michael and my dad). Maybe doing something like this with your grandmother would mark the occasion for you? I'm sorry this holiday will not be what it should be for you.

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[hetterrific.livejournal.com]

Have you ever talked about it with your mom to see how he feels about things? My dad was always around, but mostly hands off. My dad's family and "growing up" was kind of different, so I just figured that my dad was there to be "dad" but he wasn't the overly emotional or affectionate type. Until I saw him with his grandkids... then I realized it was that he didn't really know how to be more than just dad to us.

Did he want to be more than your "mother's husband," but because you were close to your dad he stepped back? Does he want to be grandfatherly to Punk? I'd ask and find out.

[oppendonnell.livejournal.com]

Hugs.

As for the stepparent thing: my parents both remarried when I was an adult, my dad significantly before my mom (easy enough since he married the bitch he cheated with! but I digress...). I have never felt affectionate towards my father's wife -- she's a pretty prickly person -- and I would never dream of Jeremy honoring her on Mother's Day. On the other hand, my mom's husband is a sweetie, and I had a much easier time figuring out what to get him for Father's Day from Jeremy than I have for my dad (i.e. I haven't figured out my dad yet. oops). He adores Jeremy and vice versa.

All of which is to say, I think it's about what develops naturally. Though if you do want a grandfatherly figure for Punk and Poppa John is game, you could certainly work on developing that.

[childlight.livejournal.com]

My grandmother remarried before I was born....years before I was born. And I think of her husband as my mom's stepdad and not my grandfather. I have no idea why.

[ladygreyy.livejournal.com]

It seems like it's important to you, so it sounds like it'd be worth the first step/effort to see if he CAN be that person for her.

[msredkitty.livejournal.com]

i think with Punk whatever tradition you have will evolve naturally, but you need to do something to honor your dad and grandpa. we've taken to celebrating the lives of our father figures (and mother figures) on the mother/father days. i put up a photo and light candles and put up some flowers and we do a little talk about who they were and what they mean to us.

as to the step parent thing, both nathan's parents are remarried and are not parent figures to him, but since they were both parts of our lives when meyer was born, they are both "grandparents" to meyer.

[msredkitty.livejournal.com]

and by "you need" i mean "it sound like you really want to and by all means you should" (i'm so frickfracking tired.)

[mightywombat.livejournal.com]

Get something for Jen from Punk, on the logic that the parent who didn't give birth to the child is ostensibly the father. Create a new tradition. Get yourself something too, since you and Jen are both filling the mother and father roles.

[rexlezard.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

My grandfather remarried before I was born after his first wife died, his wife was never my father's stepmother, to my whole fmaily, she is simply my grandfather's wife. She did step up into a grandmotherly role when we were young, and that was nice.

Cultivate whatever extended relations you can for Punk, one can never have too many doting grandparents.

I hope you figure out a way to create your own family traditions for you and yours.

[amyura.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[bloomchen.livejournal.com]

I think you should do whatever feels right for you and your family. If you feel the need to reach out to someone on behalf of Punk, then by all means do so. But don't feel obliged to because of a Hallmark holiday. It might mean more over time for you to use Father's Day as a day of remembrance of those you loved (obviously for Punk it won't mean much now, but it will when she's older) as opposed to feeling you need to do something for a father figure just because it's a holiday for others. Good luck in whatever you choose to do!

[colleenod.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry.

[luloubelle.livejournal.com]

I hear you. I can't stand the commercials, and I can't wait for the day to come and go just so I don't have to hear about it anymore.

*hugs*