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judecorpThis is the second in a sporadic series of installments intent on processing my previous relationship. As is often the case, it will be snipped so you can avoid it if you should so desire. I offer that option now.
I keep all of my promises. This is one of the things, if not /the/ thing, that I am most proud of in my life. I use the words "I promise" very sparingly. Even when I don't say those words, though, it is often easy to tell when I have given my word. And I don't use "I didn't say 'I promise'" as an excuse. Ever.
When I was 18, I learned a very valuable lesson. I learned that you can never promise someone forever. I learned this in the ultimate Training Ground - the high school relationship.
Yes, I was one of those who thought I was going to marry the other half of my first serious relationship. That is, of course, until I went to college. Isn't that always the way?
I'm going to make a confession here, boys and girls (and in-betweens). I'm going to tell you that I got married for what, in hindsight, was probably not the smartest reason in the world. But it was my reason. And it's true. This isn't the voice of the bitter ex. It's the voice of the knight.
I got married because I said I would. Because I promised.
I don't really believe in marriage, not in the legal sense here in the US. It's sexist, patriarchal, heterosexist, and ridiculous. It's not for me. I don't feel that people should need a legal document to seal their commitment. And I don't feel that people's commitments should be considered invalid if they are unable to obtain a legal document. Because of this reason, and many others, I am opposed to marriage.
Marriage, however, was very important to A. I heard over and over that this was a big deal, that it meant a lot to the parentals, that there were benefits to compromising my ideals. Insurance. Tuition remission. Ceremony. Ritual. In the end, it goes back to the feelings echoed in my previous installment: I'd rather live in his world, then live without him in mine. With this in mind, I accepted his marriage proposal. I wore his ring. Proudly, even.
In the time that passed between the engagement (December 1997) and the wedding (August 1999), my reservations grew. And grew. And I fell into a depression the likes of which I have never known (not even with all of the crap that went on this summer did I feel even a third as bad as I did in Maine, where I would sleep 12-14 hours a day on average). In May of 1999 I had a brief affair with the owner of the Pillowcase of Angsty Love. If I was unsure about the whole wedding thing before, I was completely conflicted after she and I parted ways wistfully. The energy between us made what little physicality existed between A. and me seem ridiculous in comparison. The desperation with which my heart linked to hers was eye-opening as well.
When push came to shove, though, I had made a commitment. I had made a promise. And there was nothing, not my ideals or my happiness that was going to make me break my word. I walked down the aisle. (We won't even talk about the fiasco that preceeded this event, or the phone call to my mother that morning letting her know I wasn't going through with it.)
I don't know what's crazier - the fact that this is the reason I got married (and now have to get divorced) or the fact that I actually /told/ people that this was the reason I was getting married, and no one tried to stop me. No one challenged me on this. I think one person laughed awkwardly. "That's a hell of a reason." Something like that.
I am honorable to a fault. Sometimes in too high doses, virtue becomes vice. Do I hide behind my principles? Do I burrow in my ethics? Did I use honor as a way of avoiding the admittance of defeat?
Hindsight is 20/20, they say. Would I have done the same things over again? Perhaps. For love, I would do anything. For the people that I love, I would sacrifice myself. I would rather be hurting than see pain on the faces of those I care about. But in hindsight, perhaps I would not have grown so attached to someone who knew how I felt about marriage and insisted on it anyway. Who knows? Learning experiences, all.
~//~
Today in class, my professor commented that there are several paths to self-awareness. One of these is therapy. Another is an intimate relationship, she said, with someone who knows you and helps you to analyze your thoughts and actions. Last night on the phone with Jennifer, I was confronted and challenged three times. That's three times more than A. did in the entire course of our relationship.
Was he worth my promise? Of course, because I loved him. I wasn't, however, worth his. Well, that's not fair. I can't possibly hold everyone to my twistedly stubborn standards. :)
I keep all of my promises. This is one of the things, if not /the/ thing, that I am most proud of in my life. I use the words "I promise" very sparingly. Even when I don't say those words, though, it is often easy to tell when I have given my word. And I don't use "I didn't say 'I promise'" as an excuse. Ever.
When I was 18, I learned a very valuable lesson. I learned that you can never promise someone forever. I learned this in the ultimate Training Ground - the high school relationship.
Yes, I was one of those who thought I was going to marry the other half of my first serious relationship. That is, of course, until I went to college. Isn't that always the way?
I'm going to make a confession here, boys and girls (and in-betweens). I'm going to tell you that I got married for what, in hindsight, was probably not the smartest reason in the world. But it was my reason. And it's true. This isn't the voice of the bitter ex. It's the voice of the knight.
I don't really believe in marriage, not in the legal sense here in the US. It's sexist, patriarchal, heterosexist, and ridiculous. It's not for me. I don't feel that people should need a legal document to seal their commitment. And I don't feel that people's commitments should be considered invalid if they are unable to obtain a legal document. Because of this reason, and many others, I am opposed to marriage.
Marriage, however, was very important to A. I heard over and over that this was a big deal, that it meant a lot to the parentals, that there were benefits to compromising my ideals. Insurance. Tuition remission. Ceremony. Ritual. In the end, it goes back to the feelings echoed in my previous installment: I'd rather live in his world, then live without him in mine. With this in mind, I accepted his marriage proposal. I wore his ring. Proudly, even.
In the time that passed between the engagement (December 1997) and the wedding (August 1999), my reservations grew. And grew. And I fell into a depression the likes of which I have never known (not even with all of the crap that went on this summer did I feel even a third as bad as I did in Maine, where I would sleep 12-14 hours a day on average). In May of 1999 I had a brief affair with the owner of the Pillowcase of Angsty Love. If I was unsure about the whole wedding thing before, I was completely conflicted after she and I parted ways wistfully. The energy between us made what little physicality existed between A. and me seem ridiculous in comparison. The desperation with which my heart linked to hers was eye-opening as well.
When push came to shove, though, I had made a commitment. I had made a promise. And there was nothing, not my ideals or my happiness that was going to make me break my word. I walked down the aisle. (We won't even talk about the fiasco that preceeded this event, or the phone call to my mother that morning letting her know I wasn't going through with it.)
I don't know what's crazier - the fact that this is the reason I got married (and now have to get divorced) or the fact that I actually /told/ people that this was the reason I was getting married, and no one tried to stop me. No one challenged me on this. I think one person laughed awkwardly. "That's a hell of a reason." Something like that.
I am honorable to a fault. Sometimes in too high doses, virtue becomes vice. Do I hide behind my principles? Do I burrow in my ethics? Did I use honor as a way of avoiding the admittance of defeat?
Hindsight is 20/20, they say. Would I have done the same things over again? Perhaps. For love, I would do anything. For the people that I love, I would sacrifice myself. I would rather be hurting than see pain on the faces of those I care about. But in hindsight, perhaps I would not have grown so attached to someone who knew how I felt about marriage and insisted on it anyway. Who knows? Learning experiences, all.
~//~
Today in class, my professor commented that there are several paths to self-awareness. One of these is therapy. Another is an intimate relationship, she said, with someone who knows you and helps you to analyze your thoughts and actions. Last night on the phone with Jennifer, I was confronted and challenged three times. That's three times more than A. did in the entire course of our relationship.
Was he worth my promise? Of course, because I loved him. I wasn't, however, worth his. Well, that's not fair. I can't possibly hold everyone to my twistedly stubborn standards. :)
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no subject
Date: 2002-01-17 09:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-01-18 06:15 am (UTC)Validation is always cool. Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2002-01-18 01:59 am (UTC)it's hard to fit in haiku
nonetheless, we do
no subject
Date: 2002-01-18 06:00 am (UTC)staggering - look at how you
use really big words.
no subject
Date: 2002-01-18 08:33 am (UTC)"triskadecaphobia"
from my pocket, babe!
;)
course, i can't spell it
i have no idea if that's right
i'll look it up soon
no subject
Date: 2002-01-18 09:51 am (UTC)"triskaidekaphobia."
You were oh so close.
no subject
Date: 2002-01-18 11:31 am (UTC)you can't construct a 6-8-6
that just would not be right!
no subject
Date: 2002-01-19 06:44 am (UTC)seven syllables but I'm
not totally sure.
no subject
Date: 2002-01-19 11:32 am (UTC)my haiku is now breaking
all the traditional rules of haiku construction, but then, who's counting?
...I'm amazed by you...
Date: 2002-01-18 03:36 am (UTC)To be able to look back, and really get the motivations, to understand what happened even if what happened wasn't pleasant.
Looking back, my ex and I were kinda in the same boat. I played along that I'd be the dutiful wife, and that I'd always do what was expected from me.
My situation was different from yours, though, in that I broke that promise. Not for myself, mind you. I watched for 8 months as the men in /that/ house insulted and imprisioned the mother into being nothing more than a ghost of a woman, bound to their whims. I began to even travel down the same road, thinking that giving of myself over to things that others wanted was a pure form of love. A sacrifice for the other person.
I would have done as you did, married because of a promise. Married for the ideal of love, not the actuality of it, but the thought of it.
What stopped me?
*grins*
A beautiful baby girl. She's powerful. She gave me the reason not to roll over and play dead. Because I refused to have her brought up in any situation where she'd be thought of as less than perfect and beautiful and powerful and ....Did I say perfect?
My daughter is ... such an elemental person. She burns fiercely. She feels passionately. She creates freely.
And I'd not change a thing, I suppose. I learn from her daily. Any of the pain I may have felt was worth the gift of having her in my life.
She gave me the courage to demand the best for myself, because it would be the best for her.
I love her dearly. She's awesome!
And she was definately worth breaking a ill-given promise. She was worth being true to myself.
She's an inspiration.
You'll have to meet her someday.
*grins, and hugs*
Re: ...I'm amazed by you...
Date: 2002-01-18 03:41 am (UTC)*eeps at her tangent*
But, that post was /supposed/ to be to let you know that you...
YOU....
Are amazing.
The way you're able to be truthful with yourself. Wow. To be able to investigate the whys and the hows. I'm so impressed.
You're an incredibly strong super-hero, and I've been blessed to read your journals. I'd be proud to have Cass grow up and hear your stories.
Re: ...I'm amazed by you...
Date: 2002-01-18 06:21 am (UTC)If Cass is lucky, she will not only hear the stories of many, many women, she will tell her own. And so will her mother.
Truth and honor are my most powerful possessions. There's no need to be amazed by my honesty, with myself or with other people. To me, it's just a given. It just /is/.
I never want to look back on my life and think there was a time that I was not truthful.
no subject
Date: 2002-01-18 05:49 am (UTC)There times, however, when that's given idealisticly (in this I refer much more to myself than you) and reality crushes that ideal, showing it for the thing of sunshine and reflection that it was.
There comes a time, however, when you have to realize that the honor you present to someone in holding to your word isn't worth the effort you put into it unless the other side reciprocates. It doesn't lesson your offering any, but it shows you that, in many ways, it was perhaps misplaced. You offered up an ultimate sacrifice of your ideals, identity, and desires to someone who wasn't willing to make that same offering to you. Instead, they accepted your offer without understanding the depth of what it was and, in the end, squandered the beautiful thing you had offered them.
Even though I don't say it nearly enough or often enough, I love you and adore you. While we disagree on many issues, the vigor, desire, and personal fortitude with which you pursue your goals and ideals is a constant source of inspiration to me. I look at my own pursuit of such things and hold it up your own as a measuring of stick of how far I have left to go. Over the years, I've taken advantage at times of what you offered to me in the friendship, and for that I apologize.
Regardless, thank you for being in my life and being my friend. And don't stop making promises and keeping them. Just be sure to be a little more sure of those to whom you're offering them. I'd hate to have to take up a career of breaking the kneecaps of people who squander your trust.
no subject
Date: 2002-01-18 07:46 am (UTC)I am so thoroughly stunned by this comment. On so many levels. Never doubt that I know that you value my friendship. Never doubt that it is reciprocated. Never.
I am so thoroughly floored by the idea that people are saying I am amazing, saying that I am a measuring stick. I am just a girl trying to live life in the best way possible. I am just one person in a sea of people, trying to swim in my own little place and make the sea a better place for everyone.
You are a wonderful person and I have always been proud to call you my friend. Of course, right about now I wish I had a certain email that you sent me, but I seem to have lost it! HOW SAD!
I love you. Thank you for saying these things. I'm still in shock.
no subject
Date: 2002-01-18 09:04 am (UTC)I totally agree, when you are walking your path with honor, it is an impossibility not to keep a promise. But one important point is this: do not incur giri (obligation) to a dishonorable person (ie. one who does not value your gift, intend to reciprocate, have respect for you as a person).
I too experienced this in my marriage. I have my painful secrets and baggage like everyone else. When I met this man, I laid them all out on the table, and asked him for two simple things (same as I ask from everyone): 1. honesty 2. respect. He gave me neither, as it turned out. I learned, three years into our relationship, that he was a completely different person that the one he presented. I also realized that I had become a totally different person than before I had met him. And I didn't like that person. By adapting myself to my situation, and indebting myself to a dishonorable person, I dishonored myself.
But I moved on, and learned. I'm so happy to see you doing the same thing.
As my sensei said last night: If you were perfect, what would be left for you to do? It would be boring. :)
no subject
Date: 2002-01-19 06:43 am (UTC)I know that a couple of months ago I told him I didn't respect him. I didn't respect him because he'd been having doubts about our relationship for /years/ and decided that I didn't need to know.
Making a decision that impacts another person without getting their input is a cowardly choice, a dishonest choice. Heh. So I'm guessing I really /do/ think he's dishonorable and just don't want to say it.
While I agree that it's no fun (and impossible) to be perfect, I know that I've been striving for it since I was a tiny kid. And I think the unachievable, futile challenge of that striving also fit into my psyche somewhere.
no subject
Date: 2002-01-22 08:55 am (UTC)And as for that striving, I totally relate. That's the story of my life. I just try to cover it with humor. ;)
Covering with humor.
Date: 2002-01-22 11:56 am (UTC)Re: Covering with humor.
Date: 2002-01-22 12:02 pm (UTC)Trying this again
Date: 2002-06-20 11:38 am (UTC)I know you and I know A. There are two sides to every story. My one thought is...didn't you technically do the same thing if you married him for a promise but felt that it wasn't really what you should have done in the first place? I don't know how much you told him about those doubts then.
I'm going to way truncate what I said but...I know that you sacrificed for him. He sacrificed for you as well even if you don't see the things he gave up. Or what he did to make sure that you had a place to stay to finish school as you needed to do. I read the more recent journals and all I can see is the that...neither of you are monsters. He speaks well of you. You're hurt and you're angry. I left my exhusband feeling the same way because though in his case he knew we were having problems, he refused to see it or admit it. Everything became my fault. I am a complete monster to anyone he's spoken to. All because of a promise of forever I stayed in a relationship that perpetually hurt me, to the point that I wanted to kill myself before a friend's dear words woke me up and made me look at my life and that I had the power to move on. To end it. I see you guys arguing over who took what pans. They are just...things. Are they truly worth the stress you put yourself through? You admitted...you can replace them easily. Do you really use them all to cook? I don't cook much. I don't worry about pans much. I left with my computer, my car and my clothes. Nothing more. It wasn't worth the fighting when those things could be replaced. You're working on yourself. He's working on himself. You are doing what you both should have done long ago. The rest is just side bs that isn't even needed. Why tear each other apart? Why focus so much anger there? When moving on is far more productive? Oh I don't like my ex. I won't even live in the same state with him. I can't. He still tries to control me. But I am not letting him haunt me for the rest of my days. I'm stronger than that. You're stronger than that as well. Move on, hon. Your divorce is final. The rest is superfluous. You're free now, as is he. Life really does and should move on. Bitterness and anger really only hurts yourself. *hugs*
Re: Trying this again
Date: 2002-06-20 12:59 pm (UTC)Re: Trying this again
Date: 2002-06-21 10:22 am (UTC)After I answer these questions, though, I would be glad to answer any others but I have little desire to a) rehash old things and b) bring someone into the middle of two people. That's just icky. Still, for you, here:
didn't you technically do the same thing if you married him for a promise but felt that it wasn't really what you should have done in the first place? I don't know how much you told him about those doubts then.
I can't count the number of times we had the "we don't have to get married, I don't believe in marriage, etc." conversation on two hands. I absolutely had doubts, and I feel that I was public about them. And I thought I was pretty clear that if he hadn't said it was so important, I wouldn't have considered marriage. At the time, it seemed like he didn't particularly want to, either - but he was getting mondo pressure from the family.
Or what he did to make sure that you had a place to stay to finish school as you needed to do.
I'm going to butt in here to say that he didn't give me a place to stay. I stayed in this apartment because I had signed a lease, but I was offered three other living situations.
Are they truly worth the stress you put yourself through?
Material goods are never worth stress, only people are. Aggravation is fleeting, and has fled. However, I am still, a year later, stressed about the lack of respect I feel I receive. But that will pass.
Why tear each other apart? Why focus so much anger there? When moving on is far more productive?
Somewhere up in the recent posts I comment that I'm not an angry person, and that's the truth. I do have some anger, I won't lie about that, but the reasons behind that anger are not things I've made public, mostly because I don't want to think about them but also because I see no need to run someone's name aground without the ability to defend oneself. If I have something to say, I will say so directly to him. That may be "tearing him apart," I suppose, but I'm usually more concerned about honesty than consequences. Perhaps that's a character flaw of mine.
Bitterness and anger really only hurts yourself.
If you knew me better, there would be no need to say these things. I got a healthy dose of that lesson when I was a teenager working on forgiving abusive parents. :)