Egg part 2

Yeah, scratch that plan.

Got up, got to car repair place. Was told he was slammed, could look at the car at the end of the day today. Can't leave the car there that long due to home visits, had to turn around and drive home. And here I am.

He .did. say that he thought it was unlikely that too much egg or shell got into the gas tank because of the little plate that covers the hole (though there was a little egg on it yesterday when I was cleaning; although there was egg on the road, too, so it couldn't have ALL gotten in), and that he wasn't terribly worried about it. He thought the fuel cleaner stuff wouldn't be a bad idea. He suggested bringing the car back another day if I was still worried.

I asked about tomorrow, he said, "Yeah, I'm really busy tomorrow, too. I'm busy every day."

I hope he's right about everything being okay.

And another thing

Aside from how ridiculous and anxiety-provoking and stressful this has all been for me, I've been an absolute bear and a basket case to Jen, and she completely doesn't deserve that. It's awful, I have all of this self-talk going on in my head about how I need to calm down and not snap at her, not push her away, talk more softly, etc. etc. but at the same time, my mouth is going completely on its own and my body is reacting independently and I do all of the things I tell myself not to. I really wish I had some way of not doing that.

Last night was just too much for me. I still feel like my life is in the crapper and I keep it together by making sure that everything goes smoothly. This works perfectly until something outside of my control (like some asshat with an egg) happens that disrupts my carefully crafted balance... and then I totally lose it.

What's unfortunate is that all of this happened in the midst of a full work day (8:30 to 5:45) immediately followed by babysitting (6:00-10:00) with no break - so I'd had to compartmentalize all of my anxiety and frustration for the whole day/night and by the time I walked in the door I was ready to explode. It just felt like it was all dumped on me - Jen was talking about her feelings and how frustrated she was, and I just wanted to scream, "YOU'RE frustrated? I stuck my hand in eggy trunk, I had to clean off the car in my work parking lot and make myself late, I have to get up earlier than expected tomorrow and drag the car to a mechanic and walk all over Southie... you're going to have the same couple of days you were planning to have."

And it's true that it's not fair, but it's also true that life isn't fair and she doesn't deserve to be treated poorly. Last night she tried very hard to be sweet and comforting to me and I wasn't in the right place to express my thanks - I was too upset and too needy to focus on the little bit she .could. give me because I wanted so much more.

I just love her so damned much and I'm so afraid I'm going to drive her away someday.

More vandalism

My downstairs neighbor (the movie thief) was raving about this one chinese food place on Dot Ave that he really likes, so we all decided to order chinese food. (I know, I know, when did we all become friends?) John said he would drive, so we went downstairs to get in the car when we noticed that his two back tires were totally flattened! He doesn't drive his car every day (takes the train to work) so we don't know when exactly it happened (sometime after Sunday) but I would bet it was the same night as the egg.

What the heck is WRONG with people??!?! I'm starting to wonder if it was bad luck or homophobia-related, since we all live in a Big Gay House.