And another thing

[judecorp]

Aside from how ridiculous and anxiety-provoking and stressful this has all been for me, I've been an absolute bear and a basket case to Jen, and she completely doesn't deserve that. It's awful, I have all of this self-talk going on in my head about how I need to calm down and not snap at her, not push her away, talk more softly, etc. etc. but at the same time, my mouth is going completely on its own and my body is reacting independently and I do all of the things I tell myself not to. I really wish I had some way of not doing that.

Last night was just too much for me. I still feel like my life is in the crapper and I keep it together by making sure that everything goes smoothly. This works perfectly until something outside of my control (like some asshat with an egg) happens that disrupts my carefully crafted balance... and then I totally lose it.

What's unfortunate is that all of this happened in the midst of a full work day (8:30 to 5:45) immediately followed by babysitting (6:00-10:00) with no break - so I'd had to compartmentalize all of my anxiety and frustration for the whole day/night and by the time I walked in the door I was ready to explode. It just felt like it was all dumped on me - Jen was talking about her feelings and how frustrated she was, and I just wanted to scream, "YOU'RE frustrated? I stuck my hand in eggy trunk, I had to clean off the car in my work parking lot and make myself late, I have to get up earlier than expected tomorrow and drag the car to a mechanic and walk all over Southie... you're going to have the same couple of days you were planning to have."

And it's true that it's not fair, but it's also true that life isn't fair and she doesn't deserve to be treated poorly. Last night she tried very hard to be sweet and comforting to me and I wasn't in the right place to express my thanks - I was too upset and too needy to focus on the little bit she .could. give me because I wanted so much more.

I just love her so damned much and I'm so afraid I'm going to drive her away someday.

Comments

[folkyboy.livejournal.com]

i admire that you're able to see your faults and nip them in the bud, Gomer. ¤hugs¤

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Someday I will write a self-help book and it will sell 989807987543987329 copies.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_epiphany_girl_/]

Okay, deep breath.

It's really not going to help your anxiety and stress level for you to add the fear that you're going to lose Jennifer. Just trust her right now to be able to take it. I'm sure she can.

And once this is all over, and you've calmed down, you can make it up to her somehow.

Relax. I know things are hard right now, but it will pass. This week will end. Your grandmother will have her birthday, whether or not you're able to make it "perfect," and I'm willing to bet she just wants to see you--not for you to make yourself nuts about it.

I know that I don't appreciate it when G. gets herself all wound up and stressed out because of me. You're not doing her or yourself any favors.

I promise you you will get through this. And if you need to vent by yelling at me, go ahead and do that. I'll still love you, too.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I wish I could be "sure she can," no really, I do. But our history kind of lends itself to my unsurety. We've never been terribly good at handling stress well. In fact, it's the #1 major, prime, superduper issue in our relationship. While we're getting somewhat better, I can't forget the fact that we broke up once, earlier on in our relationship, during a particularly stressful time for both of us.

And, for the record, I would never yell at you.

[agedwiz.livejournal.com]

Whoa! Finger on pulse time. Jude, cut yourself some slack.

If I read this right you're working 13 1/2 hour days, probably losing more than a little sleep, and you wonder why your judgement is impaired and your emotions are running riot on the surface?

First things first. Trust Jen. Yeah, she's got stuff that bugs her but if I know her at all I know she's going to be there for you. It's not entirely your job to provide emotional support. It's Jen's too, and you need to give her the opportunity to show you what she can do. Right now it's your job to take care of yourself and to take care of your own needs and energy as best you can. Decide what's important (it's not all important) and what can be put off or just let go. Most of all, practice letting go.

This too shall pass. I know you've weathered worse and we're all still here for you if you need us. Give Jen a hug (and a KLAW) for me and most of all give yourself a hug for me.

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

We should all take your advice, I think.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I agree.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Actually, I get enough sleep (usually) and the long days aren't terribly stressful. Since I work less than a mile from home, I don't have a long commute so most days I'm out of the house as much as most Boston Commuters... I'm just doing more working. The major stressor in my life is my dad's death and the aftermath (aka the disaster he left his affairs in). Unfortunately there's not a heck of a lot I can do to change that. ;)

And of course you're right that she's going to be there for me, and I know that I can't compare old relationships to new relationships. Most of the time I totally know that she's nothing like my old relationship and she's not going to just give up or check out when things get challenging. It's just that those times when I "forget" that are the times when I most need to remember. Emotions are such funny little things.

Thank you so much for always seeming to be there with the right advice when I need you. I know we don't get many chances to talk anymore, and I miss that. You have had so many positive impacts in my life and I adore you.

[agedwiz.livejournal.com]

It's not only sleep, but it's also conscious quiet time just to cogitate and to sort out all the stuff that's bringing you down. I don't know about you, but I need lots of that and always give that to myself as a gift. In that sense the lack of long commute may not be a blessing! I agree that your Dad's death is going to be a major stressor and that there's nothing you can do about that but you can do things for yourself.

Emotions are funny. I'm probably just as fearful as you when it comes to relationship issues and probably have as much abandonment stuff going on. *shrug* All I can do is deal with it as it comes. Worrying that it might come seems really fruitless since there's nothing I can do until it does come. It's good not to forget, to always take a census of the good things in your life when things seem most bleak.

No thanks necessary, jude. You've always been a good friend and I try to be there for friends.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm definitely lacking in quiet, personal time. I'll totally give you that one. You win. :)

And I agree that worrying about what /might/ happen is fruitless, and the rational part of me would probably give someone else that very same advice! It's just so hard to listen to that rational side of oneself when one is feeling quite irrational and overcome with emotion.

Argh!