judecorp | And another thing

Aside from how ridiculous and anxiety-provoking and stressful this has all been for me, I've been an absolute bear and a basket case to Jen, and she completely doesn't deserve that. It's awful, I have all of this self-talk going on in my head about how I need to calm down and not snap at her, not push her away, talk more softly, etc. etc. but at the same time, my mouth is going completely on its own and my body is reacting independently and I do all of the things I tell myself not to. I really wish I had some way of not doing that.

Last night was just too much for me. I still feel like my life is in the crapper and I keep it together by making sure that everything goes smoothly. This works perfectly until something outside of my control (like some asshat with an egg) happens that disrupts my carefully crafted balance... and then I totally lose it.

What's unfortunate is that all of this happened in the midst of a full work day (8:30 to 5:45) immediately followed by babysitting (6:00-10:00) with no break - so I'd had to compartmentalize all of my anxiety and frustration for the whole day/night and by the time I walked in the door I was ready to explode. It just felt like it was all dumped on me - Jen was talking about her feelings and how frustrated she was, and I just wanted to scream, "YOU'RE frustrated? I stuck my hand in eggy trunk, I had to clean off the car in my work parking lot and make myself late, I have to get up earlier than expected tomorrow and drag the car to a mechanic and walk all over Southie... you're going to have the same couple of days you were planning to have."

And it's true that it's not fair, but it's also true that life isn't fair and she doesn't deserve to be treated poorly. Last night she tried very hard to be sweet and comforting to me and I wasn't in the right place to express my thanks - I was too upset and too needy to focus on the little bit she .could. give me because I wanted so much more.

I just love her so damned much and I'm so afraid I'm going to drive her away someday.