PITA Birth Records

(x-posted to july2007babies, sorry if you see it twice)

Oh, what a huge PITA.

So today Jen and I got a stack of papers we were supposed to get two months ago with a bunch of papers we'll need to bring to our birth center. You know, like releases and stuff. Well, one of them is a "birth certificate worksheet" and there's a whole bunch of info on "Mother of the Child" and then a whole bunch of info on "Father of the Child." Then on another sheet of paper there was a phone number and "Call Michelle with questions," so I did. Hello, Michelle.

Jen and I were a little baffled because a) we are not putting any "Father of the Child" information on our birth certificate, but b) Jen and I are married and therefore she is also legally responsible for our kid.

According to Michelle, what WE are supposed to do with our birth certificate information is this:

1. I am supposed to cross out everything that says "Father" and write in "Second Parent." (How professional.) And make sure that I check the box that says I am married.
2. When the kid is born, the birth center - instead of just sending the forms to the Town Clerk for immediate processing - has to fax my crossed-out document to the Records Department in Boston so they can check it over.
3. Then, our paperwork has to GO TO COURT in Boston so that a judge can "decide what to do with it." It is up to the judge whether they put the second parent information on or not.

"Michelle, what does the judge usually do?" Apparently the judge USUALLY puts the second parent on the birth certificate.

USUALLY? Like, sometimes the judge can just decide NOT to? Oh holy hell, Michelle, you say all of this with such a chipper voice and I just want to strangle you with my telephone cord.

On the phone with Grandma

Talking to Grandma on the telephone is always a good time. It's because there is a formula to the conversation.

First, she asks me how I am a couple of times.

Then we discuss the weather. Only a little, though, because it's Grandpa who REALLY likes to talk about the weather.

Then, she gives me a run-down of who died, who is about to die, who is in the hospital, and the ever important who has cancer. (When you're in your late 80s, this pretty much covers almost everyone you know. I can't even imagine.)

After that, she may give me some information about assorted medical things she has going on, but usually needs a little prodding. She likes to keep this stuff from me, probably because she "doesn't want me to worry." But once she starts, well, there's no stopping. That's good, because if it was up to my grandfather, I would never know anything. (He's the man who told me, while he was in the cardiac unit of the hospital, that he was admitted for the flu. I was 16 years old and no dummy.)

At some point she will tell me some factoid about my cousin. He's nearly 27 and still lives with his parents, among other things. This lets me know that in the Hierarchy of Grandchildren, I am still secure in my #2 spot. (Phew.)

She will then tell me everything that she knows about my smurfbrother from his last phone call. You know, in case he forgets who I am. She likes to keep me informed. Did you know that my brother moved? He says he is never moving again. He likes his new house. Etc. This lets me know that in the Hierarchy of Grandchildren, I am secure in my #2 spot. ;)

Lately she has taken to saying, "And that's my story," after she says what she has to say.

It's a good time. I like the routine. It's kind of comforting and familiar. Like if she says, "Do you remember So-and-So?" it means that s/he is dead, dying, or has cancer. But she's been really interested in baby showers. She seems to be unconcerned about the day-to-day of my having a baby (aside from the ever-pervasive "How are you feeling?") but REALLY wants to know about the baby showers, how they were, and did-we-get-a-lot-of-stuff. Aah, Grandma, ever practical. She also has this immense doll collection of dolls from around the world that she started collecting when my uncle, father, and their friends all went into the military after high school. She wants to give the dolls to the baby. You know, when she dies. Grandma likes to remind me that she "is not going to live forever."

On the plus side, even though her friend Claire just died, Grandma was in good spirits because a colonoscopy revealed that instead of cancer, she only has H.pylori and has to take a ton of antibiotics. Nothing like hearing about Grandma's intestines on a summer day.