A little meme action

(Stolen from on_reserve)

Meme Alert
Everyone has things they blog about.
Everyone has things they don't blog about.
Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on lima beans, favorite type of underwear, graphic techniques, etc.

Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other!
Comments are screened and responses/posts will be posted separately.

First Topic: My First Marriage

This was a pretty popular topic. It was suggested twice!

you've mentioned in the past that you were married to a man years ago. how did you know that you were attracted to women? did people support you when you came out?

what's the story behind being married to a dude, getting divorced, and getting together with jen? do you identify as gay/lesbian or bi or something else? and while we're asking personal questions: how old were you when you got married and divorced?

I got married the first time in August of 1999, when I was 23 years old, to a guy I had been dating since 1996. We broke up in 2001 but the divorce (well, dissolution: we had an uncontested thing) didn't go through until late spring of 2002. He and I were friends, then we dated long distance, then we got engaged and were still long distance, then I moved up to Maine to be with him, and then we got married. We moved to Ohio together, originally because he wanted to go to graduate school there in natural resources management. He ended up not getting into school at the time, and now does some sort of computer stuff and is in graduate school for computer stuff as well. He is still in Columbus.

Sad for both of you, there really isn't any big scandal or shocking revelation. :) I didn't get divorced because I was queer and there was no Jerry Springer action. We actually just really stopped getting along and our relationship got really REALLY crappy, which sucked because we had been very good friends. It was very amicable aside from the initial splitting up and we still stay in touch. We didn't own anything really so the actual legality of everything was really easy also.

I had some hot girl-on-girl action before A and I got together but no actual full-on relationships. Not for any big reason - I was an equal-opportunity dater and just didn't know a lot of available girls at the time. I consider myself "queer" both because I will date a person regardless of gender and because I'm pretty loose with my own gender identity. Since both "lesbian" and "bi" involve a binary concept of gender, I don't really fit. I have pretty much been involved with the whole gender spectrum - bio males, bio females, MtF, FtM, and genderqueer - and while I will say that sexually I prefer female-bodied folks, it's not an absolute. I realized I was queer in high school. I went to Catholic school, though, so I didn't have a lot of opportunities. :)

Jen and I actually met in 1995 - so before I got with my ex. We were friends the whole time A and I were together, and A and I even went on at least one double date with Jen and one of her exes. (A had a crush on Jen's ex, E, big time.) We lost touch for a while and got back in touch after A and I split up, got to talking a lot, spent a weekend away together, and the rest is history.

This seems weird now, I guess because kids come out so early these days, but I never really came out or whatever. I think the closest thing to coming out was when I was in my first year of college and I asked my father if he would be upset if I brought a girl home. (It was totally hypothetical.) He said no. I guess at one point after I was married to A I told my mother that if A and I hadn't gotten together I would probably have a girlfriend, but I don't think she really believed me. My mother and I don't talk a heck of a lot about anything personal.

To be honest, I was more worried about what my family would think about my getting divorced than about being with a woman. My family, especially my grandparents, is very Catholic and while there is a lot of divorce in my family, I did not intend to follow along in that tradition. It's VERY humbling to have a big wedding where you pledge your commitment to someone in front of all of your family and then later take it back. It was AWFUL telling everyone that A and I had split up. Awful. (He actually didn't tell his family for many months after, and we had to pretend we were still together when his dad was dying.)

Obviously at this point my entire family knows that Jen and I are together, even though we didn't have a wedding ceremony (we went to City Hall). She stood in the family line at my father's wake/funeral and is a permanent fixture in my family. My mom was really weird about things for a while (but really, she is weird about a lot of things) but eventually she got over it.

Like I said, no drama. Sorry! :)

Second Topic: Homophobia

tell me about your most recent interaction with homophobia and how you dealt with it.

and then give yourself a hug, because i wish i could. i think you are amazing.

Awwh, I love you too! Big big love!!

We don't see a lot of homophobia around these parts. I mean in my day-to-day. We live in a pretty queer area, attend a queer-friendly church, and reside in the only state in the US that has marriage equality. So we don't really have to worry much, here, about hospital visiting and all of that. Which is nice. And usually people don't yell things like, "No gay marriage for f*cking gays!" like when we lived in Columbus.

But I guess the most recent thing was filing our taxes. Our taxes are such a HUGE pain in the butt because we are legally married in Massachusetts, yet the Federal Government does not recognize our marriage because of the Federal DOMA (thank you, Mr. Clinton). So we have to file a joint return to the state, and individual returns for the Feds. This means:

1. We can't file everything online because the online programs assume you have the same info for Feds and State, and we don't. So we do paper returns or we choose one to file online.

2. We have to do twice the work because first we do the separate returns, and then we have to RE-do it like we were filing jointly so we can import the data into the state return.

3. When it comes to the Fed return, we have to decide who claims the house interest deduction, who claims the baby, etc. And then run the risk of audit if they think it's weird that different women claim the kid in different years.

And honestly? It's unconstitutional and wrong that the Feds can do this, or that we have to have Jen adopt her own child even though she is already on the birth certificate because other states can do this, too. The Constitution has a Fair Faith and Credit clause that guarantees that if something is legal in one state, the other states have to go along with it. You know, except if your talking about marriage between a couple of dirty queers.

How do I deal with the tax thing? I get really annoyed. Really really annoyed.

Every year I say I'm going to include a letter with my taxes that states that I should be filing a joint return and paying more taxes but because the Feds refuse to recognize my legal marriage, they are losing out on some extra Big Gay Taxes. But... I never do. Because when push comes to shove I just want to get my returns in and get my money.